Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my niece?

26 replies

ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 19:05

Might be a bit long but the backstory is relevant. I have one niece, I live in a different country to her but have always made an effort. She is an only child and struggled with speech whilst she was growing up - only mum could understand for a long time. She has had confidence issues but since having intensive speech therapy can now talk perfectly fine, confidence through the roof.
I have always struggled to have a relationship with her. I tried but couldn't understand when she was talking, mum translated, I visited a fair bit (4/5 times a year, sometimes more) yet niece didn't want to know. Now she's older, she's 8, whenever I try and see her she doesn't reply when I talk to her and when I text I get either a 2 letter word or no reply at all. Mum takes the stance that she isn't going to make her talk to someone she doesn't want to, I think it's rude to actively ignore someone. AIBU since they are young or are they old enough to know better? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 19:07

*should say AIBU to be annoyed Blush

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 15/09/2019 19:11

Any idea why she doesn’t want to talk to you? Anything at all?

negomi90 · 15/09/2019 19:11

It depends. She's 8 she shouldn't be texting regularly you shouldn't be holding rubbish replies against her.
She should acknowledge you and ignore you but if she's struggled for a long time with her speech and doesn't know you that well, then no she shouldn't have to talk to you.
Some kids are painfully shy and shouldn't be forced into things. With her background there may well be a lot of anxiety around it.
If you speak to her, I'd expect her parents to encourage her to look at you and acknowledge. I certainly wouldn't expect the parent to force her talk.
If it upsets you, talk to your sibling (if its her father - its a much his role as her mums) and ask about her communication and how its doing and if there is anything you can do to help be more comfortable with you.

thecatinthetwat · 15/09/2019 19:13

SN?

CanIFindaValidUsername · 15/09/2019 19:16

Selective mutism? My daughter struggles with this and my worst fear is that people thinks she is being rude.

Original poster
ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 19:20

None, mum puts it down to the speech thing but that's been fixed a while now. I just worry what sort of adult are they going to be when mum has impressed upon them that it's fine to ignore people if you don't want to speak to them. And I mean ignore, not look at me and be shy or anything, I mean full on they've clearly heard me and will not even acknowledge I've spoken.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 19:27

Fully prepared to accept I am BU, I have no other experience of kids this age, mine is much much younger

OP posts:
Justkeeprollingalong · 15/09/2019 19:29

There's got to be a backstory here? I wouldn't allow my children to be so unpleasant and rude to my brother.

leafyskyline · 15/09/2019 19:43

Nope that's just rude. A friends DS is like this, however he is four so I make some allowances.

For an 8 year old who is now able to speak well and has lots of confidence there is no excuse. I'd think poorly of her but mostly of her parents for indulging it.

Is her dad the same or does he tell her it's rude to ignore people?

Cornettoninja · 15/09/2019 19:51

What kind of thing are you trying to talk to her about? If it’s standard adult ‘how’s school’ kind of stuff then she’s probably just not interested in chatting at that age.

Maybe sending her funny/cute pictures related to things she is actually interested in would help develop a relationship but otherwise I agree with her mum; you can’t force a close relationship.

Biscusting · 15/09/2019 19:53

Unless there is more going on here, I would expect mum to teach her to at least make eye contact and smile.

Original poster
ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 20:10

I do blame the mum. Dad's not really in the picture. We have a shared love of video games so I try to chat to her about that, certain ones in particular that I know she loves and plays on and I do too, nothing.

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Why is an 8 year old texting?

Original poster
ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 20:26

Mum gave her a phone!

OP posts:
TheRLodger · 15/09/2019 20:30

Is there much of a time difference. Maybe when you message or phone her it’s an inconvenient time of day like she’s about to go to bed or she doesn’t have her phone on her as she’s at school or something

Original poster
ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 20:35

No, only an hour's time difference and I always make sure I text when she's home/ on a weekend. Thanks for all the replies, I'll keep ploughing away and hopefully it will all come good 😊😊

OP posts:
Isitnearlyweekend · 15/09/2019 20:45

I’d be more worried at why and 8 year old needs a mobile.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 15/09/2019 20:53

You're overthinking this. She's 8 years old and a bit shy and you're an adult she sees a few times a year, she doesn't know you well enough. Sure, it's good if a child can be taught to exchange pleasantries with visitors but if it's something she really struggles with then I imagine they'd hope that a relative would be understanding about it. Just take her as you find her for now, otherwise she will pick up on your irritation which will make her feel even more awkward.

LiveRightNow · 15/09/2019 21:06

If she had speech issues requiring intensive intervention it's quite possible that it's not just "all ok" now. She might seem confident at talking but there could be all sorts of anxiety and triggers behind it. It sounds like psychologically there are still some issues. Is it just you she ignores or others as well?

Original poster
ILoveRubble · 15/09/2019 21:17

The phone thing is nothing to do with me! I agree!
She does ignore others, has no problems at school, will speak to teachers, in assemblies but outside of school prefers to have some sort of technology in her face rather than interacting

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 15/09/2019 21:19

If I'm honest I wont be forcing my son to talk more than he wants with family. If you try to force a relationship with neice it won't work and she will feel pressured therefore want to engage less. Try to be relaxed about it. Iv found with my own nephews that I live 100s of miles from that they generally forget about me until I'm there and then have a great time. Under the age of ten I wouldn't expect too much.
Might get one of two word replies in teen years (remembering my brother as a teen, I don't think spoke, just grunted)

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 15/09/2019 21:27

She sounds a lot like my ds1 who is now 13. He was incredibly shy, had speech issues as well on top of that and does speak at school and has done assemblies although hates them now but did them more willingly when he was little. He even gave up playing an instrument because the school wanted to perform in front of an audience.

I never made him talk certainly not while I was in front of the person (ie you) I would chat to him calmly later on about being polite, making conversation etc. His dad didn’t he used to pull him up in front of people and he ended up thinking he was being naughty. His dad couldn’t understand that this person may be his auntie but that to him she was a virtual stranger and to give him time. He did come round in the end to people as he got older and had spent more time with them.
Remember to you she is your 8 year old niece but she has no memories of the whole 8 years she can remember maybe 4 or 5 of those because for some of it she was a baby that isn’t a lot when there are bit gaps of months between visits for her. She hasn’t had the time to build up the confidence to have a relationship with you yet. Ds1 is a teenager now and yesterday we had a family party and he was fine he sat and chatted to relatives made jokes and actually enjoyed himself. At 8 he just wasn’t quite there yet with this social skills because he’d lacked speech and confidence.

I think having a shy child is something you don’t really get until you have one I really didn’t my other two dc are both pretty confident but I learnt that trying to force things and pulling him up in front of people was really not the way to go.

BackforGood · 15/09/2019 21:29

You can't really expect an 8 yr old to be "chatting" with an adult they don't really have a relationship with. You visiting once every 3 months isn't going to make that "friendship" you seem to be looking for. 3 months is a long break for a child.
If you (along with he Mum) spent a week's holiday together - could they come and stay with you ?, or could you book to go somewhere for a week next Summer together? - then you might start to build the relationship you seem to be seeking. Once you have that relationship, then it is easier to keep it alive with messages - or better still, Skype or Facetime - but you can't really build that relationship from afar.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/09/2019 21:33

She is possibly just shy - contact 4/5 times a year is not much for a young child.

Your role is to keep trying to engage her, without taking it too much to heart if she doesn't want to engage straight away. Things like sending postcards can be a good low stress way of building contact.

CanIFindaValidUsername · 15/09/2019 21:34

Again could be a trait of selective mutism, its anxiety based. My daughter can talk in class and at home but know where else. She can't even talk to her classmates in the aground waiting to start school.

Swipe left for the next trending thread