To want my DH to enjoy fatherhood?

[Bambam60]

I feel like my DH and I just aren't a team anymore. Our DS is now 6 months old and he's wonderful, but he's still a baby and babies aren't half challenging!! For the past 6 months my DH has changed 4 nappies, hasn't ever had to do a single night shift (even though we've combination fed), has never had to get up at the weekend....I do everything. Well, I do everything related to the baby - he does pull his weight around the house and cook and cleans etc, it's just that's not always the help I need?

The point of my post though is that for the first time in 6 months, I had a night out. DH had to put the DS to bed and then get up at 6am this morning when he woke up. I was back by 10am. Given DS had a 2 hr nap this morning, all that meant was that he had a couple of hours last night and a couple of hours this morning to be a father....well, apparently that's him "done" for the day now. Over to me.

He said to me he didn't enjoy it one bit, he never wants a second and whilst he loves DS, he'd rather have not had a child. This has upset me so much. I never forced him into having a baby...we didn't argue about it and I never threatened to leave him if we didn't...but I think he thinks I'd have resented him down the line, so he agreed to have one.

Apparently the only thing he enjoys is DS smiling at him. He hates the mess, especially now we've started feeding him solids; he hates the crying; he hates the disruption to his routine.

Anytime I ask him to do anything with DS it's like asking a stroppy teenager to tidy his room. I feel like a single parent, but angrier because I'm so resentful of him. His life hasn't changed one bit, he goes out whenever he wants and whilst he works incredibly hard, he always prioritises work over us and often spends the weekend working, as well as until 7.30/8 during the week.

All I want is for DH to actually enjoy spending time with DS and to want to do things with him. Are a lot of men a bit absent at the start and only start enjoying it when their child is a bit older and can play etc? He is actually great With DS when he engages, it's just getting him to want to engage?!

How sad. I think it would be worth making some time every weekend for him to spend alone with DS. Take a class or go to the gym and suggest they go swimming or to the playground to engage with being a dad.

Many men do struggle and hiding at work is common but it’s a vicious circle because the more you do, the more excluded the other parent becomes.

He may improve but not unless he is actively caring for your ds. Do you have any friends he could meet up with their dc at all?

Saying he wishes he wasn’t a parent is very sad. He HAS to step up because he IS a dad and being a crap one is pretty unforgivable.

Thank you for your reply and that's some excellent advice. I have mentioned swimming to him before, which he wasn't keen on doing, but I'm sure I can find something they can do together - even if it's just a stroll around the park!

I definitely need to step back...I think I'm just worried that if I try and force DH to spend more time with DS, he'll keep hating it more and more and our lives with just be filled with endless fighting...so instead I almost shield him from anything remotely difficult and then end up resenting him for it!

He said to me he didn't enjoy it one bit, he never wants a second and whilst he loves DS, he'd rather have not had a child.

This is very much how I felt when I was in the early stages of PND. Even though my baby was planned and I loved him, I found being his mum utterly joyless, overwhelmingly stressful and privately wished I could send him back. It's only now that I look back and realise that I was very unwell, at the time I just thought I was a monster. I'm not excusing your DH checking out of family life (I never had that option, even at my lowest!), he needs to step up either way, but just wondering if maybe there's more to this than him being a selfish twat. Does he have a history of depression?

I think I would really resent my dh if he didn't share the parenting. I don't know how or why you've been putting up with that. It shows a complete lack of regard for you and your well being.

To me dh either shares parenting or he wouldn't be part of our lives anymore.
I do more of the 'parenting', and shoulder more of the decision making, he does take some responsibility though. I wouldn't stand for anything less. Parenting is hard enough as a couple.

My dh definitely has found it easier as she gets older and can do things. But if your dh isn't doing anything now it will make it harder in future.

I'm sure I've read that men can suffer from PND too. Does this seem like unusual behaviour for him?

I did bedtime every night until around 16mths (breastfed to sleep) he used to do her bath before. I can honestly say since then I've only done it a few times (other than the once a week when he's out), he took over bedtime and dd is now 4, he still does it almost all the time. He did plenty of nappies and bottle fed expressed milk a few times. If combi feeding he definitely would have done more too.

Your dh needs a kick up the butt or a gp appt. Shirking his responsibilities is not fair to you or your ds.