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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Waiting around for friend

13 replies

Nodancingshoes · 15/09/2019 08:59

I have a friend who I've known for 20idd years - I love her dearly. Whenever we decide to do something together she will never make firm plans. It's always 'ill let you know later' or 'I'll text when I'm ready'. This means I get ready for a reasonable time and then I'm sat around waiting for her text. This is literally every time we meet. Aibu in wanting a time to be ready?? It's beginning to really piss me off to be honest. I find it rude and so does my dh (he has had to wait around for her and her dh aswell) Should I call her up on it or am I being unreasonable to want a definate time?? I just like to know what firm plans are so I can plan my day accordingly. Its not just me she does this to BTW - it feels like a control thing to me but I may be overthinking it

OP posts:

Countrylifeornot · 15/09/2019 09:01

Fuck that! Why is her time more valuable than yours!?
Make a plan, give her 2 options, maybe do you want to meet for coffee at 10 or for a walk at 2, or whatever. Be more assertive.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/09/2019 09:04

Yeah I couldn't cope with that. I'd either say "I'll be there at 10 so just ring if you fancy meeting up there and I'll tell you where I am" - have to be prepared to do that thing alone.

Or you could push back "that doesn't work for me. If you fancy it, please give me a time that suits".

pandaeyez · 15/09/2019 09:07

I had a friend that also did this. We would chat about making plans and she would always say "can I let you know later?". Queue 5 hours later and half the day would be wasted. From time to time, she would also text me and say "do you want to do something in an hour?" which I would say is even worse as I had no time to get ready etc. I was 5 minutes late once as I had to get petrol on my way over to her house and she kicked up an old mighty stink about it, baring in mind she'd only arranged plans with me 1 hour before

To be honest OP, I think some friends are only happy to spend time with people when it's on their terms and for that reason I stopped seeing this friend in particular.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 15/09/2019 09:10

Why does it have to be being a doormat or aggressive?

"Hey Sue, I need a definite time otherwise I waste half my morning. I'm happy to meet any time between 9 and 12, I just need you to pick a time between those two and let me know by 7pm the night before x"

Sarcelle · 15/09/2019 09:19

Its a power thing. She thinks you are waiting around for her to snap her fingers when she is ready. And you are.

You are not in her employ or her servant so you need to set boundaries. If she keeps doing this you are being complicit in her rudeness.

I had a friend like this and gave up seeing her because I realise that friendship was not about one party feeling they called the shots. I ended up dreading seeing her, not because I did not like her company but because of the knot of anxiety that she would be late or thoughtless. The last time she did it I was waiting for her in central London and she was over an hour late. We were meant to be going to the theatre, with a bite to eat beforehand. I saw her coming up the street. She was strolling, very relaxed, looking in a few shop windows, no sense of urgency. If the boot was on the other foot I would have been hurrying to get there. We had to go straight to the theatre, and I seethed through the performance. At the end I said goodbye as normal and then blocked her. No explanation, I was just done with her.

Original poster

Nodancingshoes · 15/09/2019 09:26

I have started to say 'I'll meet you there' - we arranged a day out to an event during the holidays and she used the usual 'I'll text when I'm ready' so I told her I'd be going for 10 and I'd meet her there. She turned up at 1....I'd been there for 3 hours! She is lovely and I like spending time with her but it makes me so upset. If she'd said a time, I would have known what to expect at least! I have discussed this with another friend who she also does this to - we are both in agreement that it's some kind of control thing

OP posts:

Straycats · 15/09/2019 09:32

Had a friend like this and it so pissed me off, she'd bring her son to my sons birthday parties half way through, be always running late etc I don't see her now.
But my son was waiting in 'again' for her son to turn up, he's like me punctual, he tried texting and calling him and as per usual he turned up very late to his own specified time!
It's rude, it's uncaring and people like that, we let them when we shouldn't . Need to hear home truths and cut them off.

Ohmygod123 · 15/09/2019 12:16

She turned up 3 hours later!?!?! What the actual f.
Just say a time and if she doesn't turn up then go home. She obviously thinks shes that important, that friends will wait all day for her. Totally disrespectful

ILiveInSalemsLot · 15/09/2019 12:24

I have a couple of friends like this and I don’t wait around for them.
Get a firm time the day before. Insist on it. Say ‘I can’t waste the day waiting around, I have a few things I need to do so give me a time or we’ll do it another day.’
If you’re with your dh, then just carry on. Do something with him and say to her ‘we re off to such and such. Hopefully see you soon’
A few times of doing this will soon change the dynamics.

StarBubbles · 15/09/2019 13:49

I had a period of my life where I was pretty ill with anxiety and panic attacks (as in, multiple panic attacks a day), and it was really annoying because I found it very hard to make definite plans. So setting a meetup for, say, 10 on Tuesday would be hard for me, because maybe I wouldn't be able to get out of bed on Tuesday, and maybe I would be able to get up that day but I'd have a panic attack at 9:45 on Tuesday and not be able to physically make it for exactly 10. Whenever someone suggested a date and time for anything I'd have to say "Maybe, it depends," and I hated that I couldn't give a definite answer - but my only other choices were either saying no, or saying yes knowing full well I might cancel at last minute (and there was always the chance I would feel too unwell to be able to contact and cancel, which would be even worse).

Sometimes there's a reason people can't manage to be totally exact and reliable. Maybe your friend has a reason. Or maybe she just can't be bothered to make the effort. I don't know her, so I don't know what's likely. I'd try and talk to her, and just suggest (as in, word it as a suggestion, not a complaint) that maybe you guys can make more definite times for things as it would make it easier for you. See how she reacts.

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2019 14:19

My sister is like this. I started saying I'm going to x at 10am meet me there, so I didn't waste my day. This usually resulted in her not turning up or asking " where are you." When I'd spent 3/4 hours there and ready to come home?!!! Now I would never ask her, I just ignore any suggestions of plans.

Chandler913 · 15/09/2019 17:41

Her mind obviously works a different way so you need to tell her specific times. Saying you're going for ten and you'll meet her there doesn't correspond to her that the meet time is ten.. It just means you're there and she'll get there when she's ready. Not sure it's control.. More a lateral mind. Next time say let's meet at this time. If she's not there after 30 mins without a reason then message and say you've got plans and it looks like she couldn't make your meeting and you'll see her another time... A few times of this she may realise other people have lives outside her

Chandler913 · 15/09/2019 17:45

But I presume your close friends and family knew about your problem... And you didn't just turn up three hours late without an explanation. If you have a condition like you have to suffer with I'm sure people would be understanding.. Whereas it seems her friend just can't make plans she can stick to

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