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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell them the truth

24 replies

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 07:25

H moved out of our b from a month ago after months of trouble between us. He doesn’t love me and more and we are separating in s few months . Kids are asking why he is sleeping in spare room and are asking if I won’t let him sleep with me anymore . They are 9, 11 and 15. I will be moving with the kids to another house e own and he will be staying here , this is my choice as it’s better for kids but I’m worried I’m case they think I’m taking them away from their dad . Help please !

OP posts:

Original poster

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 07:26

Moved out of bedroom

OP posts:

swingofthings · 15/09/2019 07:38

It is time to talk to them. They have clearly worked out something isn't right. They will be on high alert and likely to start feeling anxious of what it might all mean for them.

Ideally, you would do this jointly, so that despite the separation, they would get some reassurance in the fact you are still together in parenting.

There is nothing worse as a kid to feel left out of important decisions. Their life is totally dependent on the decisions you make, it's a scary prospect when you are well settled into your life.

Don't wait much longer.

Original poster

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 08:01

We won’t be moving for practical reasons until January . What could we say to them that won’t destroy them. It’s four months before we can go

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00100001 · 15/09/2019 08:04

Well .. you're going to have to tell them at some point. How else will you be able to move them?

Discuss it with your husband first.

Then sit then down and tell them.

palahvah · 15/09/2019 08:06

As you say, they know already that something has changed. Better that they hear a kind, honest explanation from you (both) now, than keep wondering and speculating and feeling in the dark.

Original poster

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 08:07

I feel sick at the thought of breaking their hearts . So do we tell them we have fallen out of love and just say we’re living together until house is sorted out ? I am so angry that he has done this to us but I can’t let the kids see that

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HiJenny35 · 15/09/2019 08:14

I think I'd just say Mummy and Daddy aren't getting along very well, like when you argue and get on each others nerves and we need some space from each other. And let them accept that before throwing the whole moving issue in. I'd leave it like that for a couple of months you aren't doing anything till January so it seems pointless to add 4 months of anxiety about where are they going to move to? What will it be like? Daddy isn't going to be there onto them for months before anything actually changes.

Idontwanttotalk · 15/09/2019 08:21

They are asking so you need to tell them now rather than later that you are separating. You should decide on how to tell them and tell them together so that neither of you are seen as the bad guy.

I'm pretty sure they know why you are sleeping separately and their questions are for confirmation.

You need them to know that you are separating from your H, and not from them, and they'll be seeing you both still. It will be an unsettling time for them, particularly for the 15 year old so you and H need to be very reassuring.

Telling them now and still making sure you all have a great family Christmas together will probably help.

How do you know that the children will all be living with you? The 15 year old is old enough to decide who they want to live with. Be prepared for them to decide to stay with their dad as they don't want him to be lonely.

Original poster

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 08:29

Their dad is so rarely here. He works late every
Night and is gone first thing in the morning so they are used to that and used to him not being here so they won’t be living with him but will have plenty of time with him at weekends etc. I am so afraid to hurt them

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Original poster

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 08:30

If we tell them now and weren’t moving for some months , would that not destroy their few months ?

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Idontwanttotalk · 15/09/2019 08:35

The kids will soon be asking you if you are getting divorced. They are probably anxious about it already. Give them certainty by telling them as that is better than them worrying in secret and getting stressed.

Just tell them something along the lines of sometimes grown-ups fall out of love with each other when they don't get on and disagree with each other about lots of things. You still love each other but just as friends? You will be happier apart as you won"t be bickering and disagreeing.

I don't know how you explain to them that, as parents, you can't fall out of love with them though.

Original poster

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 08:41

Would it be an idea to drip feed it to them so for example, tell them we are not getting on and that dad moved downstairs to give us space for some
Time ? Rather than tell them that we will be splitting in January , now

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Clangus00 · 15/09/2019 08:49

Tell them the truth, they’re not young children. Also, this will give (especially the older two) time to decide where they want to be based, with you or stay with their dad.

Idontwanttotalk · 15/09/2019 08:50

"If we tell them now and weren’t moving for some months , would that not destroy their few months"
Not if they can see their life is carrying on pretty much as normal (which might be the case if their dad isn't around much anyway). If they know you are going to be moving they can start moving to that stage in their minds and just talk of it as a new normality for you all.

Uncertainty and fear will destroy their lives. Keeping them involved, in an age-appropriate manner, will help them.

for you OP. I'm sorry your marriage is ending. It will be okay though and there is no reason why you won't find happiness again in the future.

If you have family it may be a good idea to tell them now too so you have support going through this hard time.

Just a thought about the house - are you sure you and the children should move out? Remaining in the same house may well give them some stability and help them to cope with the separation better.

ShippingNews · 15/09/2019 08:53

No, don't drip feed. They are not babies - I'm sure they've worked out that something is up. Trying to break it to them slowly , would just make it worse imho, having been in that same position. If they see you both still living together, being civil, etc, they'll want to know " why not just stay like this instead of breaking up ?" And then you'll b e tying yourself in knots explaining why you can't stay together.

To be honest , if it was me I'd be going now, instead of dragging it out for another 6 months. The sooner they know what is going on , the sooner you can all start to create your new lives . All this uncertainty is damaging for everyone.

madcatladyforever · 15/09/2019 09:01

Children are not stupid and will worry until you tell the truth. You need to sit them down and tell them that you and H have decided to split as you are not happy together and you will be moving to a new home.
They are old enough to underating and they deserve to know what's going on.
What's the alternative? Four months of uncertainty type then a sudden traumatic move? This way they will still have both parents for 4 months and can ask questions and get used to the idea.
My parents never told me anything and I was in a perpetual state of anxietymology when they would suddenly announce we were moving to a new country just a week before we went.

Unknownanon · 15/09/2019 09:04

Tell them the truth. Omitting and lying will make them more insecure and worried, especially when you or your ex to be are caught out.

Yes they will be very upset but you can help ease their immediate worry of the unknown. plus you can look into support for them while going through this.

PurpleDaisies · 15/09/2019 09:15

I agree with other posters saying tell them straight and tell them now. They’ll know anyway. Living with the uncertainty is absolutely horrible. Please don’t drip feed.

Original poster

Curtainrazor · 15/09/2019 09:31

Ok thanks for your advice. I’ve a knot in my stomach at the thoughts of telling them

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00100001 · 16/09/2019 08:17

Why are they having to be uprooted? Why can't fad move out?

ShippingNews · 16/09/2019 08:44

I agree with other PP that it would be MUCH better if you and the kids stayed in your current home. Moving them would be traumatic at the best of times - why make them give up their home as well as everything else ? At least ask their opinions - you might think a move is the best thing, but they might hate it.

KUGA · 16/09/2019 09:01

Just tell them the truth !.
Children are quite resilient tbh and they will know it isn`t your choice .

Pitterpatterpettysteps · 16/09/2019 09:08

Surely it would make more sense for H to move out? Then only one person needs to be uprooted, instead of 4, and as you say, he’s barely there anyway?

Original poster

Curtainrazor · 16/09/2019 09:47

Thanks fri you’re teplies. We moved rurally some years ago . From that day they have always wanted to go back to where. Their school, their friends, their hobbies are. They talk about going back often. We moved out the country to give us space and also one of our children has hfa and at that time she was a flight risk a dit was unsafe . They live our original home and I feel that they would love love to be there again and it may ease the transition .what do you think? They really dislike where we live. My husband would love to move back there on his own.. lots of friends and neighbours and a lovely house .he is really pushing for the four of us to stay in this house which is isolated and the kids have no friends or activities there

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