Advice please - how to handle young family member

[Happygal1781]

I hope I'm posting in the right place- I'm new, so apologies if not.

Am keeping some details a bit vague for privacy issues but was hoping for some insight.

Basically I have a family in law I get on great with. Lucky me. Only fly in the ointment is that one particular young relative of my partner is unfriendly towards me. Their siblings are no problem and have stayed with us. Child is (undiagnosed) on autism spectrum according to parents which apparently is the explanation for why they never say goodbye to me when I leave or smile or look at me. They are a bit like this with everyone but most obviously with me as I am the newest addition to the extended family and have an accent. I've tried talking to my cousin but get little response and at one point got them a gift which I thought cracked it as they got very excited and chatty afterwards, but then the next visit it was exactly the same as before. I try not to take it personally but am feeling uncomfortable at the possible prospect of having them to stay, which has been suggested, as I don't want a whole weekend of them ignoring me and talking only to my partner. My partner gets my concerns but at the same time not and says it will be fine, but I don't know if it will be.

Any advice? Thank you!!!

What would it have been like when you were a child if you had ignored an adult member of the family? Why might you have done that, and what did you really need?

These questions are supposed to give us an insight in to why we find some people’s behaviour intolerable, and what our response ought to be.

If the child is autistic then it’s not you personally, it’s that you are new. It will take time for them to adjust to you. The gift clearly caught their interest and had them chatting, so I would say that it’s definitely not personal.

Do you know what their interests are? If you can strike up conversations around their interests and show you are someone they can talk to about that then that’s always a good route into building a relationship with someone autistic.

Don’t worry about hellos and goodbyes, they’re not important.

Maybe do a bit more reading about autism so that you aren’t misunderstanding their intentions.

To be fair, you sound quite young too. Part of maturing is understanding that people are very different, have different responses to you and different ways of behaving. You clearly got the the gift spot on, so I'm going you are able to get a little into this person's world to understand and be a bit less insecure about not being liked. Try and find the things you like about this person. Perhaps they are really passionate about something. Latch on to those things.

As a pp said, read a bit about autism. It's sad if it hasn't been diagnosed but you could still read some basic stuff to understand it's not about you and to understand their responses.

Ultimately this person needs love as much as the next person but it may need to be expressed in different ways for the moment. Find the things that help you connect. Gift was one. Perhaps talking about their favourite things or taking them somewhere where they can see something they're really into.

Thank you so much for your helpful responses. There's a bit more to the situation (it's not necessarily about whether they like me, but I can't go into detail), but just wanted people with experience of autism to give me some pointers. I'll check out what I can read online. Thank you!!

(I) just wanted people with experience of autism to give me some pointers.

I didn’t get that from your OP.

My advice would be to let the parents handle this in the way that they see fit and to stop taking it personally. The more relaxed and OK you are the better it may be for this person when they are able to start to accept you. Being otherwise is going to feel like a load of pressure which will just add to anything going on. The only thing might be to find out more about whatever their current obsession/ interest is so you can have a point of connection potentially.

Read as much as you can about autism in children.

Autism presents much differently in girls.

Every person with autism does not have every trait that you read about, nor is their behaviour always like the people you read about.

In every situation or before you think there could be an awkward situation, ask the parents what you should do. Ignore all other relatives, they don't know the child's needs like the parents do.

You'll see lots of references to the autistic spectrum, few people have any idea what it really means.

the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

If you want them to say hello/goodbye, try saying hello name and goodbye name. Specifically addressing them as if someone says hello/goodbye by son will not respond as he doesn’t think they are talking to him. He will respond if they use his name though.

Also, the gift would have given them something relevant to talk about so probably made your relative feel comfortable with having a conversation.

Do they have a special interest? If so, asking questions about that might help them have something to speak to you about?

It’s most likely that you are newer and will take some getting used to, but some people with ASD find eye contact difficult for example, and if you are very keen to make friends, you might be seeking eye contact levels they don’t find comfortable.

Why are you so desperate to feel liked by them. It feels like you are feeling a little insecure? The way they are acting is nothing personal as you say they are like that with other people. Can't you just accept them for who and how they are? They loved the present you gave them but you seem to then expect them to suddenly act in a different way to you than they relate to everyone else. Autism is complex. Please read about it and try accepting and meeting them where they are at.