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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it me?

26 replies

PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/09/2019 19:23

Partner going to the shop, asked me 4 times if I wanted anything and 4 times I said no thanks. He comes back with loads of chocolate, offers me some and again I said no thanks, "but I got these ones for you" he said. Told him that I didn't want them, told him before he went that I didn't want anything and he snapped at me "all right i was just asking". He's in a fucking mood now and accused me of starting an argument!

He's being a dick isn't he?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2019 19:27

Unless you’re on a diet and specifically don’t want chocolate in the house then I expect he was trying to be nice. Do you have form for changing your mind even if you’ve said you don’t want anything? If not then he’s been annoying but you could have said “I don’t want anything now thanks but appreciate the thought, stick them in the cupboard”. DH asks me if I want anything then sometimes comes home with something he knows I like in case I want it later or the day after. He’s being kind so I take it that way.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/09/2019 19:28

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's just one of those things really unless you're about to say that you're on a diet and have lost like 2 stone and he isn't happy with your determination/new body. I'd just get over it.

Drogosnextwife · 14/09/2019 19:32

My dp does things like this. Makes him feel better about eating a load of sweets if I'm eating them too.

CardsforKittens · 14/09/2019 19:46

Yeah, my partner doesn’t want to eat chocolate unless he can persuade me to eat some at the same time. So if I refuse he can’t justify it to himself. Therefore if I don’t want anything I give him permission to eat chocolate by himself. It sometimes works. Sometimes I still get chocolate I don’t want though.

Original poster
PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/09/2019 19:47

How is he being kind when I repeatedly said I didn't want anything, and then throwing a strop when I refused what he bought? I don't have form for changing my mind, no, I just try not to eat shite of an evening. I've been eating healthily for a while and have lost quite a lot of weight over the last couple of years. He's generally very supportive of this, cooks healthy food when it's his turn and I don't push my views on him.

It's the snapping at me and sulking upstairs that has pissed me off

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 14/09/2019 19:52

It's the snapping at me and sulking upstairs that has pissed me off

That would annoy me too. Does he eat chocolate to distract himself from unpleasant/uncomfortable feelings? Is he now taking them out on you instead of mediating them through food? Or is there some other reason he’s being unreasonable?

Original poster
PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/09/2019 19:55

No idea Cardsforkittens it's the first time he's done this so it took me by surprise. He's a pretty cheerful person really, we talk about stuff on our minds, have a great relationship usually. I'll leave him to sulk it out

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 14/09/2019 19:56

Do you think he wanted to eat a load and wanted company doing it. Like that weird psychology that people get if they eat chocolate alone the calories count double?

PhannyPharts · 14/09/2019 19:57

Yanbu by the way

CardsforKittens · 14/09/2019 20:06

Odd. Maybe he thought he was doing something nice for you, even though it was something you said you didn’t want, and now he thinks you’re ungrateful. I would find that quite frustrating. I’ve also lost quite a bit of weight over the last couple of years and I only want chocolate when I’m feeling a bit miserable. The rest of the time I feel better without it.

I hope your partner scoffs the lot cheers up soon.

Original poster
PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/09/2019 20:07

He never has an issue munching chocolate normally, regularly eats it whilst watching telly. He's about a stone overweight, he occasionally mentions that he'd like to lose it but he's not really that bothered. He doesn't look overweight, he's very tall so carries it well but has a bit of a tum roll when sitting. He always asks if it bothers me that he eats it in front of me but it honestly doesn't...now if it was pickled onion Monster Munch we'd have a problem 😋

OP posts:
Original poster
PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/09/2019 20:08

Can understand that Cardsforkittens but after the 4th time of asking and then again when he got back, you'd think he'd got message.

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 14/09/2019 20:09

now if it was pickled onion Monster Munch we'd have a problem 😋

GrinGrinGrin

CBCB7992 · 14/09/2019 20:10

I think he’s trying to be nice tbh. The amount of times I’ve told OH not get me anything but secretly hope he does pick me something nice 🤣

Branster · 14/09/2019 21:10

He was either trying to be nice to you so normal expectation would be for you to gracious even if you wouldn’t eat the chocolate or he-wanted a partner in crime to join him in eating the chocolate he wants but knows he shouldn’t be eating in which case you could have saved your share to gift back to him at a later date. He probably felt rejected which made him annoyed so went away to lick his sentimental wounds. Classic case where it doesn’t hurt to agree with something just to make the other person happy, nobody gets hurt and it’s not controlling behaviour.

MotherForkinShirtBalls · 14/09/2019 21:20

No, it doesn't hurt to make another person happy. He could have listened - four times - to the answer to the question he asked. He could have decided that even if he wasn't going to listen to the answer he was given - four times - he would offer what he brought but not be a sulky dick when the answer, for the fifth time, was no. That would have made OP happy, presumably.

If he's normally a good guy and just having an off day, then leave him to his sulk tonight and start again tomorrow. But don't apologise, it's not up to you.

C8H10N4O2 · 14/09/2019 21:35

He's being a dick. You are quite right.

NearlyGranny · 14/09/2019 21:48

Could he be trying to sabotage your weight loss?

Original poster
PutyourtoponTrevor · 14/09/2019 22:11

Thanks MotherForkinShirtBalls, I'm not going to try and make him happy for doing something I asked him not to do in the first place. I definitely won't be apologising either. He's still not spoken to me and is in the spare room asleep, I won't really see him tomorrow as he's working.

He's usually really supportive of my weight loss Granny, cooks healthy stuff, has given me money for new clothes when I've dropped into the next stone bracket, and has booked and paid for a holiday for us in a few weeks for reaching my goal weight.

I've never had the silent treatment before, I don't like it one bit

OP posts:
Gruntvsgunt · 14/09/2019 22:13

I don’t think he’s being a dick at all, and I don’t think it’s worth either of you getting so cross about either.

Inebriati · 14/09/2019 22:38

Look at the same behaviour in another context. If you pester someone to take a drink and get offended when they won't, its you that has the problem. no you aren't being nice, and no they dont have to be gracious and accept a drink.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/09/2019 22:59

Well no @Inebriati because that's a false equivalence. I've often asked e.g my partner if he wanted anything from Tesco. He's said no. I then proceed to buy e.g. his favourite crisps, not with the expectation that he sits there and eats them infront of me but at least they're there if he fancies them at some other point. Indeed I've also brought him a few beers, not with the expectation he drinks them that same evening but it's still there if he eventually fancies it.

Using 'another context' is unhelpful in these quite innocuous circumstances. As OP has even said, he's not trying to sabotage her dieting efforts. A bar or two of chocolate in the fridge that doesn't get eaten does not a relationship-problem make.

MrsAJ27 · 14/09/2019 23:01

Just get a grip...

VladmirsPoutine · 14/09/2019 23:03

I've never had the silent treatment before, I don't like it one bit.

This here is the issue. He is being unreasonable to escalate something so non-eventful into a fully blown 'silent treatment' 'sulk'.

@PutyourtoponTrevor Is the relationship generally healthy and functioning?

sunshinesupermum · 14/09/2019 23:07

You're both making a mountain out of a molehill. Sounds to me like he wanted to do something nice and it has backfired on him so he's sulking.

Not worth going to be on an argument for. You are both being petty.

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