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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the work Christmas meal?! So annoyed

59 replies

MarigoldEntwin · 14/09/2019 17:13

We get given a budget by our company and we all go out in our teams.

One woman left the company well over a year ago. People in my team are now inviting her to come to the meal.

She treated me like shit at work, tried to turn people against me. I’d been suicidal before and her behaviour had me on the phone to the Samaritans I felt that low.

I really want to go but I just can’t face it if she’s there.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 14/09/2019 19:14

Say you're not going and why.
How long had she been at the company?

Sparklesocks · 14/09/2019 19:18

It’s weird to invite ex colleagues to the Xmas meal, it’s usually supposed to be the ‘work’ meal as in people who CURRENTLY work there.
Maybe if they popped in for a casual drink afterwards in the pub fine but I don’t think ex colleagues should be involved. Fair enough if some colleagues stay in touch with someone after they leave but they should meet up unofficially together separately - not during the work team meal.

Personally I’d rather not go to any more work team meals than one anyway!!

incognitomum · 14/09/2019 19:22

Maybe she invited herself? She sounds delightful Hmm

RubADu · 14/09/2019 19:23

Can you make sure you are at one end of the restaurant table, and she is at the other?

If not, I wouldn't go. I don't go to things anymore which make me feel upset before I've even gone.

But I sympathise OP. I worked once with a total bitch who tried to make me miserable. Luckily she moved on to another target but I would never have wanted to socialise with her - too much risk of my stabbing her in the eye with my fork.

Diversion · 14/09/2019 19:29

I do not go to Christmas events either. I am a bit of a Bah Humbug when it comes to Christmas generally, plus I prefer to keep my social life and work life separate. I agree that the former employee should not be invited. Just make and excuse and say that you already have plans that night or be truthful and tell them you really do not want to go, if they ask why just explain it is for personal reasons. If they gossip behind you back, so be it just leave them to it.

PhilSwagielka · 14/09/2019 19:31

Make your excuses and don't go. I've missed works dos in the past, like when two friends were over visiting from Italy. They're not that fun, especially when you're not a big drinker and everyone else is pressuring you to get plastered.

hiphopchick · 14/09/2019 19:32

@MarigoldEntwin

Why the fuck is she invited, a YEAR after leaving the workplace? Confused

I could understand your colleagues/people at your workplace still wanting to see her now and again (if THEY got on with her,) and maybe going out for the odd meal with her. But to invite her to the work's Christmas 'do' is absolute bollocks.

I would refuse to go to be honest, and tell them why.

Sorry you were bullied badly. Horrible for this to happen at work... or anywhere really! Flowers

flouncyfanny · 14/09/2019 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 14/09/2019 19:33

I feel your pain. We were going through lots of issues in our small (normally friendly) work place last year - as a manager I was in a very awkward position so decided not to go. Sent some bubbles to the table though. All on an even keel now so will be going (but not drinking).

We've also had this thing in the past (no budget in public sector for anyone else paying) that the minute the venue is chosen, the right I'll tell Doreen/Mavis etc that left many years ago! They are lovely people, just not colleagues any more! We've stopped this. It's for the team working here only.

But in your case, I'd be furious. Your needs are way above those of an ex colleague. Tell HR (or a friend you really trust) what you told us. She sounds horrid.

bluebeck · 14/09/2019 19:34

Just don't go.....

CatsOnCatnip · 14/09/2019 19:41

She sounds like a really unpleasant person. And I agree with others, maybe invited herself in some manner. I think your point is better made to not go and organise something with the people you love who love you instead as BumbleBeee69 suggested. And as your colleagues know what she did you can outright tell them why you’re not going if they ask.

WonderWomansSpin · 14/09/2019 19:44

Don't go. You don't need to be there and it sounds as though you'll spend the night worrying and thinking about her.

KickAssAngel · 14/09/2019 19:48

Do you get a say in how your share of the money is spent? Can you donate to The Samaritans instead?

I'd be tempted to do that, along with a passive aggressive comment about how The Samaritans are so busy at this time of year, and so many bullies see social events as a chance to let rip.

BloodyhellMartha · 14/09/2019 19:49

I don't go to anything that doesn't fill me with absolute joy any more. I read Sarah Knight's 'The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck' and it changed my life. (a bit anyway Grin).

You have only so many fucks to give. This is your time, energy and money. So you need to budget them.

I don't want to spend my time in the evenings with drunks/colleagues in noisy bars, or crowded restaurants - particularly around Christmas time. I don't have the fucks in my budget to give.

So I don't. Very liberating. I've got really good at saying 'I don't want to, thanks' to people. Grin

Justaboy · 14/09/2019 19:50

Can you say why she is being invited and she left the firm a YEAR ago?

Seems daft!..

Redwinestillfine · 14/09/2019 19:52

I never go. I'd rather spend my money going out with my friends. Even discounted meals end up costing a fortune.

Xmasbaby11 · 14/09/2019 19:52

That's very frustrating. I just wouldn't go but then I just see it as a night out, not a big deal to miss. I go out socially with my work friends so would see them an other time.

It is wrong that you have to be the one to miss out, but as a one off I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

RuggerHug · 14/09/2019 19:53

If someone suggests it just say you can't imagine her life is so empty she'd pay to go to a Christmas party for somewhere she doesn't even work. Do they really think she'd be arsed?

Original poster
MarigoldEntwin · 14/09/2019 20:00

Do you get a say in how your share of the money is spent? Can you donate to The Samaritans instead?

I don’t think so, you physically have to pay yourself and then claim it back through the company with a receipt.

The drinking and the meal don’t bother me and I was genuinely looking forward to it.

Just feel sad that it got ruined by this.

OP posts:
WhyBirdStop · 14/09/2019 20:03

Did this same thing happen last year just after she left? I'm sure I remember a similar thread

SpaceCadet4000 · 14/09/2019 20:03

This is absolutely worth raising with your manager or HR.

Another employee harassed you in the workplace to the severe detriment of your mental health. If they were aware at the time then any unacceptable behaviour should have been immediately dealt with.

They have a duty of care to their employees, and ultimately this is a Christmas lunch bankrolled by them.

LifeImplosionImminent · 14/09/2019 20:11

In the past some of my work colleagues were more tolerable than others so I made damn sure I sat next to someone I didn't mind talking to and ignored the ones who were dicks - if you are going to be disappointed about not going (you said you was really looking forward to it) weigh that up against how much she would ruin it by being there. Then don't regret whatever you decide.

vanillaicedtea · 14/09/2019 20:11

There's no rush to decide yet. She very well may end up not going, and it would be a shame for you to miss out. Remember, you can always bail last minute with the "flu" or similar. So don't stress about it now.

If she does go, you have two options. You can either go, ignore her completely and have an amazing time with your friends. Maybe get your partner to meet you after the dinner and head off for drinks if you don't want to be around her too long. Be the life and soul of the party. Talk about things that have happened in work since she's left. Make her feel like a bit of a dick for being there. If she says something, interject, eg "who wants to get some drinks?!" Then swan off and have fun with others. Or you can bail, do something with people you care about and don't give her a second thought. And have a great night regardless.

Remember, she doesn't get to make you feel bad anymore. You are stronger and better than she'll ever be. Don't let her be the reason you don't go. People may think my approach is petty, but bullies always stay the same, in their sad little lives. The best way to beat them is be confident in yourself and pretend like she doesn't exist at that table. She'll be sitting there not being able to join in because she won't have been there to "get" the in jokes and funny things that have happened since she left. She'll be cut off when she tries to say something, and people are definitely going to prefer to go get a few more drinks as opposed to hearing her droning on.

It's up to you, though. Do what makes you happy. I wouldn't let her win, though.

Ihatefootball86 · 14/09/2019 20:18

At least you know where you stand with your colleagues now Hmm
If they knew what she did but are still merrily inviting her out then are they worth going out with?
Book a night at the cinema/lovely meal out with nice people instead and if anyone asks just smile sweetly and say you have FAR too many social events over Christmas and you had to make some cuts.

DrVonPatak · 14/09/2019 20:26

Ffs, it's SEPTEMBER!!! Waaay too early for this. Autumn, Halloween, Rememberance day, THEN tinsel up!