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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Snapping and shouting at my boyfriend

22 replies

hugocat · 14/09/2019 17:13

We went out for a meal last night , had a great time but we both had too much too drink . This morning, I am feeling really irritable due to a hangover, not irritable for any other reason. I'm washing up and my boyfriend 'humps' me from behind ( it made me jump as I didn't hear him come behind me. I move out the way then he tries to play with my boob ( I'm not wearing a bra under my PJs ) and says he's horny. I said I've got a bad hangover, feel irritable and asked him to stop touching me, that we'll have sex later.

( we have a very active sex life btw so he's not deprived) I asked him nicely so not to be nasty but he did it again a few times later.. He does it AGAIN , tries to play with my boobs but this time I got really angry , snapped , shouted and said 'WILL YOU STOP IT' it's caused a row, he is angry but I am more angry.

This kind of thing keeps happening, I've tried to talk to him about it but he will not listen

. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse and my nipples are often sore and it doesn't feel pleasant to be touched ( not pg or bf ) there all the time.

I'm a kind and loving person, not nasty at all. I feel disrespected. I told him I was feeling snappy but he continued to do it. You know when a kid keeps teasing a dog with a stick, it growls but when the kid continues to do it, the dog bites?

I had no control over being touched sexually as a child and I believe ' no 'means 'no' when I say it as a 39 year old grown woman

AIBU?

OP posts:

Etino · 14/09/2019 17:20

Blimey Yanbu AT ALL.
It’s interesting that your post is entitled ‘snapping and shouting at my boyfriend’, when ‘unwanted sexual touching triggers PTSD’ would be more accurate. Does framing it like that help? Do you really think you’re being unreasonable at all?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2019 17:23

Your boyfriend is a pig. As a 39 year old woman, you should know better than to be with the likes of him. He has absolutely no respect for you.

PurpleWithRed · 14/09/2019 17:28

Which is the bit that could be unreasonable? If it was the first time he'd done it then maybe being snappy would be unreasonable, but if he constantly does it your response is pretty normal.

He is listening and he can hear you perfectly clearly. He is deliberately choosing to touch your body in ways you have asked him not to. Why does he think that's OK, or funny, or sexy?

Hecateh · 14/09/2019 17:53

NO you are definitely not being unreasonable.

My ex used to do that and it drove me potty. Your body is not his to paw about when he wants. No means No and if he carries on after NO then it is abusive.

starryeyed19 · 14/09/2019 17:57

YANBU. in the slightest. You're not a fidget toy. He doesn't just get to play whenever he feels like it.

Springfern · 14/09/2019 18:04

Yanbu AT ALL. I would have lost my shit. Sorry for what you went through as a child.

tranquillife · 14/09/2019 18:05

Not at all unreasonable he's a knob head. My ex used to do this and still tried to carry on even when he was an ex!!! He used to say I was moody and had a problem?!!! I think nowadays it's called sexual misconduct!

cacklingmags · 14/09/2019 18:08

He is a disgusting knob - that is bloody sexual assault - he would get more than snapping and shouting from me.

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2019 18:11

Ew. Is he a dog? Surely they’re the only ones who dry hump.
Does he really think this is foreplay? Yuck.
If someone touches you and you say no they they should stop. End of. He’s a twat.

curiouslypacific · 14/09/2019 18:14

YANBU, except for the bit where you haven't already kicked his disrespectful sex pest arse to the curb. Single life surely has to be better than dealing with a creep who can't distinguish between a sex doll and a real-life human with feelings and bodily autonomy...

MittsMajuna · 14/09/2019 18:50

Branleuse · 14/09/2019 20:34

most people would have snapped at that.

dollydaydream114 · 14/09/2019 20:43

This kind of thing keeps happening, I've tried to talk to him about it but he will not listen

He's an absolute cunt. He does not have the right to keep touching you sexually when you have specifically and clearly told him not to. You have explicitly told him that you are not consenting to be touched in that way and he carries on doing it. That goes far beyond a partner pestering for sex but then immediately taking no for an answer. He's horrible and it is absolutely a form of abuse. No means no and there are no exceptions.

Does he know what you went through as a child, by the way? He's a piece of shit either way, but he's even more of a piece of shit if he does this while knowing your history.

Original poster

hugocat · 14/09/2019 22:01

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate it but they seem a little harsh? He is a really good boyfriend apart from this and does treat me really well. He's also very affectionate and wants loads of kisses and cuddles. I'm not a very affectionate person and all this touching is too much. He never gropes or grabs me, he's quite gentle with it but if I don't want to be touched, I feel I have the right to say stop it without him getting in a mood. He knows about my childhood. He says I can't compare it to that because he loves me and doesn't mean any harm, I think he just has a high sex drive.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2019 22:15

That’s no excuse for groping you when you’ve explicitly told him to get giant hands off you. A good boyfriend doesn’t channel Harvey Weinstein when he fancies a shag.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2019 23:01

It's very unfortunate that you're making excuses for such disrespectful behaviour. You tell him to stop groping you, he won't. You tell him you're not in the mood for sex and he gets angry and holds it against you. I assure you none of that has any place in a healthy relationship. We're all telling you the exact same thing, that he's abusive. I wish you would listen, and I wish you believed you're worth more than what you're getting.

Mummyshark2019 · 15/09/2019 00:54

Yanbu. He doesn't seem very nice tbh.

LetsPlayDarts · 15/09/2019 01:00

That is sexual assault. You've made it clear that its not what you want yet he continues. What makes it worse is that he knows about what has happened when you were younger.

People get 'harmed' by people that 'love them'.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 15/09/2019 01:02

"He is a really good boyfriend apart from this and does treat me really well."

He's not a really good boyfriend if he touches you constantly without your permission. That's really disgusting.

The humping alone would be the end for me. So unappealing.

weaningwoes · 15/09/2019 01:06

He's a good boyfriend apart from the disrespect and the emotional blackmail?

Your background is affecting your view on this but not in the way you think. Rather than making you oversensitive, it is making you undersensitive to him being utterly and completely unreasonable and disrespectful of you.

You've given him plenty of opportunities to prove to you he cares about how you feel (not just how his penis feels). He clearly does not. Ditch him.

Bufferingkisses · 15/09/2019 01:55

Sadly the replies aren't harsh. Having a high sex drive does not mean you can't understand the word no. Being a lovely boyfriend most of the time does not give you the right to ignore the word no. Loving someone and not meaning any harm does not mean you can carry on when the person you love says no.

You possibly need to work on your personal ideas of boundaries because they seem a little off. He may not be a bad boyfriend but a boyfriend who pushes past your explicit no is not a good one either

lostelephant · 15/09/2019 02:30

Sorry but no these replies aren't harsh, that is disgusting behaviour.

I was sexually assaulted as a child and have the same feelings towards not wanting to be touched without consent. When DP tried it once early on in the relationship, we sat down and had a mature conversation about why I was not okay with it, that it's nothing to do with him, there are other ways to initiate things etc. and he has not once done it again. There's no excuse for it.

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