To invite a male friend to stay?

[Tommyache]

Going through a separation. Husband moved out 9 months ago.

In our 15 years of marriage he was never ever jealous about anything except for my friendship one male friend, who has genuinely never been anything but 100% a platonic friend (not to mention I rarely saw him as he lives overseas). It was quite odd as there was absolutely nothing to be jealous of - we only caught up about once a year.

This friend is coming to visit for a week and I’m torn about whether to invite him to stay. I have 3 kids, although they don’t know him. He has never visited before so there’s no precedent.

If it makes any difference, it’s my house, not husband’s.

I have the space and I certainly don’t want to be rude but I feel like it doesn’t look good to ex husband and I don’t really want to start any drama.

Thoughts?

You're going through a separation. Host a swingers party if your heart desires! Your husband's opinion on anything that isn't to do with the impending divorce matters not!

You can stop thinking about what he thinks now. It doesn't matter anymore.

This is a friend who you have known for a long time. If they were female would you invite them to stay? If so.... do that.

As long as you are sure that there is no chance of a reconcilliation with your OH then invite whoever you want to stay it's your right to,but if there is any chance of getting back together or mediation I would think twice.

I probably wouldn’t host TBH

I think the only potential issue is when people go through a divorce and don't want the fault putting on them, in that instant I've known people to keep the opposite sex at a distance in front of others even when there has been something more than friendship (to be honest it was obvious with a few of them that there was more than friendship). If this isn't an issue for you then invite whoever you want. This is your life and no one should be telling you who you can be friends with.

Don't you think it's high time to start living your own life and stop caring what your ex thinks? Why are you still giving him power over you?

None of your ex's goddamned business. He left, why do you care what he thinks?

I’m mostly just concerned that he’ll hold it against me when it comes to discussing custody etc. We haven’t gone down that road yet as things have been amicable so we’ve been flexible to one another’s schedule.

And is he consulting you fully about all the decisions he makes?

Hold what against you, and to who? That you have a friend you've known for years and years? He'll look like a fool.

Manky - if it involved the kids and having someone they’d never met to stay with him while they were there, then yes, he probably would consult me tbh.

Aqua - that’s good to know! I’m always thinking of worst case scenario with this stuff.

Are you worried that his visit will confirm in the mind of your soon to be ex husband that you've been conducting an affair with this particular man for years?

Surely then he'll need proof of that which he doesn't have so will end up looking rather batshit if he tries to use that against you.

Honestly. A new life beckons, and in this new life you don't need to kow-tow to your husband any more. Embrace it. You should be instead thinking about getting in some nice wine and perhaps a cheese/biscuit board.

Vladmir- to an extent, yes. Like ‘oh I see, I’ve been gone 9 months and suddenly he’s here staying at your house’....

Or

‘You brought your fancy man to stay at your house with our kids, who’d never met him’

Incidentally, I am not having nor have I ever had anything but a platonic friendship with this man, who I’ve known since childhood.

If you were divorced and everything settled I'd say invite your friend, but as you're still going through the process and your ex is known to be jealous and unreasonable, why hand him a stick to beat you with?

Explain to friend and tell him next time he can stay, but this time mudslinging might ensue. Protect yourself; it won't be much longer O hope.

Unreasonable men get worse when being left. It's the most dangerous time.

Nearly - you’ve hit the nail on the head there. That’s exactly my concern.

Well I suppose he'll have to get over himself. There is no reasonable basis that you've been having an affair with this man or any other man. I don't think you should start doing the whole "what will he think" dance as god knows where that'll lead.

At some point in time you might start dating again so you'd do yourself a massive disservice if you start dancing to tune of your husband's drum now. Divorces aren't easy.. and all manner of madness becomes unleashed even if things start of relatively amicable. My exH still tells people I divorced him because he left his cup next to the sink and not 'inside' the sink! Honestly couldn't give a shit.

I don't see a court awarding him more 'access' because you had a childhood friend come to stay.

If it's brought up by him/his lawyer or whatever laugh it off and tell them what you've told us here. He's been overseas for years and he came to visit. Don't make his psychodramas your battles!

How would you feel if it was reversed and he had a platonic female friend to stay with him and the kids?

I agree with the poster above. If you think it'll cause unnecessary hassle right now then don't do it this time.

I personally wouldn't at this stage. It's a really sensitive stage, emotions are heightened and I wouldn't want to do anything that caused any extra friction or animosity. Once the dust has settled a bit down the line, go for it!