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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please give me a slap: hopeless husband suddenly domestic hero and turns out even worse

8 replies

MaidofMuswell · 14/09/2019 11:20

This is sort of light hearted sort of not. Just back at work after mat leave which I didn’t love as not brilliant at being home with the kids, money was tight following house move and was recovering from pretty dire pregnancy related mental health crap and then baby was hospitalised twice (rare blood thing and then meningitis) but thankfully all ended up ok. I was BF most of the time so did all the night feeds, hospitals stays where was impossible to sleep and do suspect much of this probably sleep related. DH is a lovely good man and excellent father but crap at cooking, planning, remembering plans and also weirdly laundry (ruined fave pricey hush jumper, dyed the whites grey-y pink etc) and think over mat leave I became quite martyr in terms of “well I’d better do everything” which I didn’t like at all but also sort of chose. During the mat leave he also went on one two night stag, one two night foreign wedding (we were both invited but didn’t work) and a couple of work trips staying in hotels. Baby ok sleeper but still yet to have one night unbroken sleep in eight months and am so jealous. I can soothe her in seconds when she wakes now with dummy and he does do his share ie all our toddler ds night wakings but just doesn’t wake when she stirs where I do. Back at work full time now which I love but job is full on and he has been off for two weeks doing nursery settling. He seems calm and on top of it all and yes, kids mainly in childcare now not at home, but just seems to be this natural easy going parent who ds definitely prefers being with, keeping house gorgeous, playing really creative games and I feel crap. He earns way more than me otherwise we both agreed we’d have been happier with roles reversed but I just feel like this petulant child who did so much for months on so little sleep taking care of the kids, house, food, laundry, getting myself back on track, him often working late and being bit hopeless and turns out all along was just that I find that stuff hard, he’s way better at it than anyone realised, finds it a breeze and I just feel like a spare part suddenly. Not sure what my point is here. Sorry. Just bit cross and low and can’t put finger on why but think I thought I’d done quite a good job in tricky circumstances and now feel like maybe I didn’t but also wish he’d been more actual help when was needed but maybe I stopped him being.

OP posts:
Simkin · 14/09/2019 11:28

Um, 2 things that jump out: 1. he doesn't wake when the baby cries 2. 'the kids are mainly in childcare and not at home'. Totally different prospect!! Add to that the gushing praise from all over the place that mums simply don't get he's basking in and you're not comparing like with like.

Is there a way you can get away and have one or two full night's sleep at some point? You know this makes such a huge difference to everything. Flowers

laundryelf · 14/09/2019 11:47

No slap needed, totally understand how you feel but you are not seeing all the advantages he has which make it so much easier for him now.
He didn't have the tiring pregnancy and childbirth to recover from, he isn't physically responding to baby through breastfeeding and crying, he isn't learning how to parent a newborn, baby is older, more settled and he doesn't have the relentless 24/7 that you had, as baby in childcare. No wonder he could make it seem easier, it is a lot easier for him thanks to you!

Great that he is finally stepping up as a parent, should have been doing it from day one, and overnights away should have been restricted to essential work travel, not by you but by his own common sense.
Be kind to yourself, try to rest after work and weekends, he can do more parenting while you catch up on sleep until you feel better. You are doing really well, don't put yourself down, even light heartedly.

LannieDuck · 14/09/2019 11:48

Yep, kids mainly in childcare, and him not doing the relentless overnight wakings, and he's only been doing it two weeks. Plus, how old is baby now? Newborns are different to 1-year olds. The whole situation is totally different.

Is he doing all the housework and childcare, equivalent to what you were doing?

MaidofMuswell · 14/09/2019 14:14

I love mumsnet.... he is doing lions share yes, not all, and it’s true, baby settling into nursery and three year old in nursery every day different to three year old and newborn at home.... feeling less like a twat now thank you!

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 14/09/2019 14:17

You also GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY! Your body can feel bollocksed for months! Give yourself a break, woman!

And I hope you have a lovely weekend. I don’t miss the baby days at all. It sounds like you’re getting the end of the worst bits.

StrawberrySquash · 14/09/2019 16:09

Yeah, I'd ask yourself if he's really doing all the stuff you used to do, or if you're still picking up a bunch of stuff just because it's what you do?

Pretenditsaplan · 14/09/2019 16:15

Maybe youd of coped better if hed of employed these miraculous powers whilst you were recovering from fiving birth and you keeping a small human alive? Not waited till he had 2 weeks off (rather then months stretching agead of him) where he can do whatever he likes during rhe day and just do a few hours either side seeing as your doing all the night wakes still... just a thought.

Whatsername7 · 14/09/2019 17:11

Dh and I shared parental leave. I had the first 8 months, he had the last 3. He had it so much easier because the baby was older. Your dh has it even easier because the kids are in childcare. Enjoy the ckean house ans set some ground rules for when he goes back to work - clearly he is more than capable of pitching in!

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