Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the health visitor just gaslighted me...

46 replies

Tulio · 14/09/2019 10:21

I’ve just popped out my second baby and was discharged from midwife care at the beginning of the week. While she was here the midwife booked a health visitor to come in and weigh the baby on Wednesday, because he’d not put on a lot of weight since reaching his birth weight.
The health visitor she booked we’ll call Tracey.

So weds comes and no health visitor, now Tracey has stood me up once before (before the baby was born), so no biggie, jokingly predicted it this time round.

Thursday lunchtime rolls around and my toddler and newborn are both asleep, it’s prime naptime for me! I’ve just sat down with lunch before I have a glorious sleep, when the door goes. It’s the health visitor. I welcome her in, thinking ‘sh*t, now I’ve got to wake the baby up to weigh him’. But no, apparently she’s not there for the baby, she’s there to do my toddlers 2 year review...

She tells me she spoke to me on Monday and confirmed she’d be coming, and relayed the conversation we had. I have NO recollection of this and say so. She says ‘oh I understand, it’s easy to forget things with a newborn and a toddler’. I didn’t want to be rude so I apologised and made a joke of it.

I mentioned I was expecting her yesterday to weigh the baby, and she said that would be a midwife that would weigh him, not her. But... I was discharged from midwife care, I heard her book this lady by name.

My toddler was asleep (obviously, why would I agree to an appt for her over nap time?), so HV left the forms for me to fill in and rescheduled. Which is fine in itself. But after she left I checked my phone records on the day she said we had this conversation... nothing. No calls outgoing or incoming from an unknown/unnamed number.

So she’s lying, I’m sure. She’s using my sleep deprived state to make me doubt myself. AIBU to think I don’t want her as my HV. Or should I just let it go?

OP posts:
SoyDora · 14/09/2019 10:23

I had a HV do this! She actually shouted at me on the doorstep saying that I must have forgotten as I was sleep deprived. I knew 100% that we had not had that conversation.
I put in a formal complaint which turned out to be one of many, and she left the practice soon after.

NorthEndGal · 14/09/2019 10:24

I think it is far more likely she just made an honest mistake. Unless there is a big old back story, why would a relative stranger want to bother gas lighting?
That pretty much only happens when there is an emotional investment.

Camomila · 14/09/2019 10:26

I think its more likely she is just over worked and has confused you with another DM rather than done it on purpose.

As she's a bit flaky, are there any drop-in baby weigh clinics you can take your baby to? Save you waiting for an appointment.

Congratulations and I hope you get a lovely nap soon!

Happyspud · 14/09/2019 10:28

Forget about ‘gas lighting’. She’s plain old lying to cover her arse. She forgot to book your 2 yr review. Forgot (or couldn’t be bothered) to show up for the planned weigh in. So has rocked up eventually and is simply lying to you hoping you are vulnerable enough for her to get away with it.

Report her lying, useless, unprofessional arse.

Glasgowgin · 14/09/2019 10:29

I would have thought much more likely that she made a mistake and there’s someone else out there who she did have that conversation with wondering why she never turned up!

SayWhatNowYall · 14/09/2019 10:34

I’d say she’s turned up at the wrong house, and either genuinely thinks you are the person she actually spoke to, OR is lying to save face rather than admit her mistake.

She sounds flakey and annoying. It might be more awkward than it’s worth to try and change HV though. You’ll see her probably 2-3 more times, briefly. As long as she can fill in a form and use a scale I’d probably take a deep breath and ignore it.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 14/09/2019 10:35

Your HV sounds v disorganised. It's a natural thing for some people to push the blame elsewhere when they are at fault. It's not an honourable trait.

If it were me I'd be tempted to get rid too. But I'd probably give her another chance first.

My HV was horrible, a bully. I wish I'd thought of getting rid of her, but in my postnatal state, I assumed the fault was mine and I was being too sensitive and hormonal, etc. I put up with her for 5 long years, but I shouldn't. And neither should you if you're not happy.

Treehouse55 · 14/09/2019 10:39

I think it's more likely she made a mistake than that she is actively gaslighting you. However I would be really annoyed that she automatically blamed you without even considering that the fault could be at her end.

Are there any other options for getting the baby weighed? In my area you can go to clinics at the children's centre. I'd just tell her you'll be doing that from now on and won't be needing any more visits.

WanderingMind · 14/09/2019 10:39

I would say she made a mistake. My midwife turned up 5 doors away and was demanding of them to be let in to check on the newborn. They politely told her she had the wrong house and to try no 28, she told them she would report them to ss for not letting her see the newborn. Their older dc were Confused and saying we don't have a baby! She was bonkers. She eventually knocked at mine and denied being at the wrong house, don't be silly, I've just thIs second arrived! Hmm

DC3dilemma · 14/09/2019 10:40

I’m a HCP and I would complain about this. We all fuck up, but lying about it and putting it on you is an attitudinal problem too far...

gamerwidow · 14/09/2019 10:53

I think she made a mistake which is fine but she should have said oh sorry I must have got you mixed up with someone else instead of making you doubt yourself (even if she thought she was right). New mother's are vulnerable after birth and making someone doubt their mental capacity in this state is unkind.

Aridane · 14/09/2019 10:59

It’s a mistake, not gaslighting

Aridane · 14/09/2019 10:59

Report her lying, useless, unprofessional arse

Confused
Gruntvsgunt · 14/09/2019 11:02

I hate how people are appropriating gas-lighting for things like this !

Tweedlady · 14/09/2019 11:04

Semi-related, we have just out in a complaint about our midwife for similar unprofessional behaviour, she didn’t check my DOB when booking appointments in (I’m 9 weeks pregnant) and ended up booking them under my mother in laws name (we have the same name but different addresses). So obviously a massive breech of trust/data and generally a really poor situation....the worst bit? She genuinely doesn’t seem to understand the seriousness of what she’s done. ‘Surely you would want your MIL to know anyway’ errr NO and that is 100% my choice when we tell family. So we are pursing it as a serious breech of data and personal information as feel that if we don’t this could happen to others with more serious consequences. So definitely complain esp as you have phone records to prove non conversation and ask to be moved to a new person. You need to have trust in your team supporting you

nononever · 14/09/2019 11:05

That's pretty bad to put the blame on you and blame it on sleep deprivation. I was very unwell and housebound for 6 months after my daughter was born and my health visitor was a right cow. She never turned up on the day she said she would or she would turn up 4 hours late. She said 'it's not as if you're going anywhere'. I was too ill to challenge her and stand up for myself at the time and I felt really bitter towards her for a long time.

Sparklypen · 14/09/2019 11:06

She obviously mixed you up with someone else, and it was pure chance that you have a toddler or her mistake would have been clear.
She didn't want to lose face by owning up.

Bubblysqueak · 14/09/2019 11:08

Could she have muddled you up with another person? My HV just happened to have 2 other ladies under her care on my road at the same time as me. She once turned up for an appointment that I wasn't expecting, although she insisted we had arranged it. 10 min into the appointment she got a phone call from the lady down the road asking where she was. She was very embarrassed and apologetic that she had got us mixed up, especially as she was insistent that she was in the right place.

BustedDreams · 14/09/2019 11:16

Professionals can be deviant. Not exactly the same but I previously have worked in a multi disciplinary setting and professionals boast about their use of ‘soft knocks’. This is a term for when they visit a home, most notable near the end of a working day, pretend knock at the door (whilst hoping not to be seen). Then the walk back to their car and drive off. This is so they can say they have visited but record on file no reply. Then they go home early ‘as not worth going back to the office’. Happened all the time, especially on a Friday!

BustedDreams · 14/09/2019 11:17

They*

OhTheRoses · 14/09/2019 11:26

It's typical. Polite letter to say you will only receive the hv in future if there is a mutually agreed appojntment confirmed in writing.

RogersVideo · 14/09/2019 11:35

She's screwed up all 3 appointments. I think that's reason alone to request a different HV. Hard to know if the lying was deliberate or if she was genuinely confused.

Mythreefavouritethings · 14/09/2019 11:35

Not gaslighting, no.

MouseInATelescope · 14/09/2019 11:39

I'd tell them you don't need their services and take your baby to be weighed at a clinic. This is what I did because I didn't like strangers coming into the house with my anxiety the way it was!

Maybe she's new? Maybe she's getting stressed and muddled and needs a holiday. I'd let this one go unless she'd been obviously rude or insulting.

Bazie · 14/09/2019 11:45

Health visitors, hate them! I sacked mine, she wasn't any good. Plus she claimed to have done my sons 12 month check.... Er, missed that one!