Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am BU because stepMIL is a lovely kind person. But ARGH

52 replies

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 14/09/2019 09:33

She arrived to stay last night and will stay tonight as well. She is off to an exotic country on Sun (alone, with a travel company) and is flapping about it - she did warn us she would do this. FIL is in tow but is buggering off at the earliest opportunity to his own social event and is not especially emotionally supportive at the best of times, so he's no use. DH is mostly hiding from her when he can and nodding emphatically regardless of content when cornered.

Basically she is flapping, flapping, flapping and I am fighting the urge to bang my head into a wall because unconsciousness seems like the only way to stop her talking to me. I'm not convinced even that would stop her tbh Confused

I'm being unkind. Outwardly I am doing my best smile and reassure, smile and reassure. She is a lovely person and a kind one, and far more of a grandparent than DH's mum. But God I am struggling today Grin

Please hold my hand and tell me your stories of nice yet annoying people you have nobly borne with!

P.S. I'm aware there will probably be a thread like this about me in 30 years' time. I am comfortable with that Grin

OP posts:
81Byerley · 14/09/2019 10:47

This might make her flap more, but she should be careful about taking food products into a foreign country. There are restrictions about what you can take in, and nuts and seeds are often on those lists.

tillytrotter1 · 14/09/2019 10:55

I'm being unkind. Outwardly I am doing my best smile and reassure, smile and reassure. She is a lovely person and a kind one, and far more of a grandparent than DH's mum. But God I am struggling today

Your first three words were correct! You acknowledge that she is a lovely person, a good grandmother despite being the scourge of MN, a step, and yet for a couple of days you can't be bothered to be supportive of her when she is feeling anxious about the trip?
At least you have the saving grace of realising that in 30 years time you may be the one in need of support, just hope you have kinder people around you than she has now!

Aridane · 14/09/2019 11:04

Which holiday company???

Chewbecca · 14/09/2019 11:17

Ok, I am an annoying person pre holiday, I can get really ratty and flappy with DH, feeling like I need to sort everything for everyone whilst everyone else floats around.

Lists are what works for me, if everything is on it, all is well. I do worry things are missing from the list though Blush. Help her ensure everything is on the list and under control, then Wine.

I totally calm down once we get in the car on our way as there’s nothing that can be corrected by then and I just accept we have passports and credit cards and everything else will be ok. That doesn’t help you though as you will miss that bit!

WillLokireturn · 14/09/2019 11:18

tillytrotter1 It's a beautiful saturday morning, bit early for judgy grumpy posts...

OP clearly means it as a light hearted thread on an anonymous forum to help her sustain her patience. She isn't being unkind to her DSMIL.

Chewbecca · 14/09/2019 11:19

Why do you want to know which holiday company aridane?

Chewbecca · 14/09/2019 11:20

And will you put 5 exclamation marks next time you ask?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/09/2019 11:37

My mother flaps to some extent before going away but not nearly as bad as this. I really would have knocked myself unconscious by now.

I think you should take her out later. Dinner with one glass of wine, then Downton as others have said. Then won't you need to go straight to bed when you get home?

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 14/09/2019 11:40

tilly I'm afraid I can't quite manage to completely quell every "FFS" that goes through my mind, but I doubt she's going to find anyone outwardly kinder than me by anyone's measure!! Of course I find the behaviour irritating. I would challenge a SAINT to not be irritated. It's that disparity that makes my current facade kind; if I genuinely didn't mind then there would be no self-sacrifice, IYSWIM. It's similar to how you can only be brave if you were scared in the first place. Or something Grin

Anyway, they all went out for about an hour. I feel so much better :)

OP posts:
NoSauce · 14/09/2019 11:44

A hand hold for that? Confused
She’ll be gone soon, until such time wear earplugs.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 14/09/2019 11:52

It is not entirely a serious handhold NoSauce Grin

Any tales of irritating yet nice relatives/friends to share, anyone? Go on, make me appreciate my specimen a bit more

OP posts:
NoSauce · 14/09/2019 11:57

Thank god for that Grin

AsTheWorldTurns · 14/09/2019 11:57

Oh, I'm an anxious traveller and I could absolutely see myself in your MIL's shoes in 30 years.

Can you send her off on a shopping trip? And yes, wine would help. Also, valium helps (my husband insists that I must be sedated if we are to travel together Wink )

harriethoyle · 14/09/2019 11:57

@BasilTheGreat HAHAHAHAHA Grin

harriethoyle · 14/09/2019 11:58

OP - buy wine for one or both of you!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/09/2019 12:10

I know a couple of people whose visits I dread. Both never shut up, funnily enough!

Last time the first visited he asked me the same question three times. Each time he listened to about two words then physically turned his body to talk to DP. He did apologise in the end, but I just gave up answering. He's convinced he's right about everything, and will argue things he knows absolutely nothing about just because he can.

The other has very interesting ideas. DP tends to wander away and leave me with her, which wouldn't be so bad if she were my friend, but she's not, she's someone he's known for years. The first time she visited she told me all about indigo children, and hows she's been to Mars and seen the end of time. And she wasn't on anything at the time. She would also go off into very long monologues and no-one could get a word in edgeways. Even a friend of mine with verbal diarrhoea, who I dragged in to try and help, couldn't say more than two words at a time!

The second (and last) time she seemed to have come with the intention of taking DP with her. To achieve this she decided I was completely stupid, and kept trying to show me up in front of him. She kept asking DP questions that he knew little about, and he kept deferring to me. It was quite amusing really, as it was so obvious what she was doing.

I do not envy you - I need quiet, and no flapping.

CoalTit · 14/09/2019 14:14

I wish I had a story to buoy your morale with, OP. It sounds exhausting and it also sounds as if you have been lumped with an emotional-support role by virtue of being female.
The closest experience I have is anxious bosses and my anxious parents who will not calm down until I do a performance of being as anxious as they are. That seems to make them happy. It's pretty wearing.

Original poster
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 14/09/2019 15:10

Bad news - I've just come back from an outing with her, DH and DC and am feeling murderous again. This wasn't helped by her being a nervous passenger and telling me routinely to slow down when going at normal speeds. Bwargh Angry

Cup of tea needed

OP posts:
bluebeck · 14/09/2019 15:14

I've just come back from an outing with her, DH and DC

Then you've only yourself to blame OP! Grin Go out by yourself now for a couple of hours. Or have a long nap.

53rdWay · 14/09/2019 19:36

I am related to a flapper. Like yours, lovely and kind and wonderful but ARGH.

A little while ago we were all getting a taxi somewhere together. Not time-sensitive but we'd booked the taxi in advance because she worries. Then we all went out for lunch at a cafe five minutes' walk away, a few hours before it was due to arrive. As soon as we started eating she started worrying out loud - what if we're late? what if it takes us a long time to walk to the house? what if the taxi gets there before us? but what if you have to book another one? but what if the firm doesn't have any more taxis? shouldn't we just leave now, wouldn't it be better if we just left now, just in case? - all while we had TWO HOURS to finish our sandwiches and walk five minutes down the road.

NearlyGranny · 14/09/2019 19:49

So, the flapper's DH buggers off and her DSS dives for cover while the person furthest removed - what is a step-daughter-in-law's link, really? - is left to bear the brunt.

You're being taken advantage of!

No more driving and hand-holding: cue the migraine, cold compress, darkened, silent room and retreat for at least12 hours leaving the devious men to manage flapper and wrangle DC!

Take phone and earbuds. Wink

TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/09/2019 20:27

@53rdWay - totally unrelated, but you've reminded me of an incident that happened a few years ago. My mother was up visiting and despite having not long befoer had an operation on her feet she was desperate to do at least part of a walk through the local woods that I'd been talking about . So we took a bus to the gated entrance point and started walking, knowing we had 2 hours until the bus back arrived.

We walked along the driveway to the start of the walk for 5, maybe ten minutes, but no more. She then found a nice spot she wanted to sit down at so, mindful of her feet, we did so. I think the books came out and we started reading. After about half an hour she started making sounds that we should make a move. Bearing in mind we'd had two hours from when we arrived, and no more than forty minutes had passed I said no, I was going nowhere. She managed another ten minutes then got up, so I had no choice but to leave with her.

A few minutes later she saw the gates about 100m ahead and was amazed. Thought I'd led her back a different way, despite there being only one road in and out of the site.

We then spent an hour reading on the grassy verge of the road until the bus turned up. That was fun!

The thing was, she knew I walked the route every week, so if I said that it would not take an hour to get to the bus stop you'd think I'd know, wouldn't you?

Youseethethingis · 14/09/2019 20:38

Uncalled for information incoming ... My DH has been known to get involved in the willy flapping tactics - lucky old Yousee Grin
I’m often the stepmil style flapper I think, or if not then you’ll find me over at the Notonefuckgiventodaypal end of the spectrum. All in or all out.
I’d get the wine Wine

Ambidexte · 14/09/2019 20:51

My MIL is a champion flapper. (Also a very kind person.)

I've known her flap about which set of cutlery to lay the table with for a birthday lunch. So many pros and cons!

We travelled abroad with her once. Sadly I cannot go into details about the ongoing Olympic flapfest this entailed, because the trauma is still too recent. All I can say is that at least you're not accompanying your DSMIL on her travels...

dowehaveastalker · 14/09/2019 21:18

She’s of an age where flapping is normal Confused Grin