To be afraid of couples counselling?

[Fearfulfantasia]

Ok, so we’re on the rocks. We’ve invested 30 years into our relationship, we’ve built a life, a family, home...
six months ago I ended an emotional affair. It was just that. I don’t mean to play that down, I know I’ve been evil this man was the polar opposite of DH. It was the cliched friendship that meant we cared too much for each other but we never had sex. This man was a listening ear, no more. I told him things that I knew my DH just wouldn’t want to hear or would think was pathetic or stupid. Anyway, DH found out because he basically stalked me and traced my phone calls. For the sake of the past thirty years I ended it and we agreed to try again. I accept that I dug my hole and should lie in it, but I am not sure just how much more punishment for what I have done I can take. I have said i’ll leave if he wants. He doesn’t want that. Every day he asks me why? If I try and say he thinks I’m “turning things around” or making excuses to blame him. I’m not trying to do that but I’m all honesty if he ever listened, I wouldn’t have spoken to anyone else. I have suggested couples counselling. He says he doesn’t see why he should have to waste his time when it’s me who’s done this and caused it. I am also don’t know enough about it as I know if I say how I really feel In front of him, we’ll be back to me trying to “pass the blame” and all he’ll will break loose when we leave. I know I need to speak to someone as I’m not coping,

I think you should go to counseling by yourself. You can't force your husband to participate, but you definitely need a neutral place where you can try and figure out what you really want. It seems clear to me that there is zero emotional intimacy or support in your marriage. Just because you've been together 30 years doesn't mean this is how you should live for the next 30. Perhaps your marriage should end and you just haven't accepted that yet.

I think you need to book some sessions and go by yourself if necessary. Tell him that they're booked and that you want to save your marriage (sort of!) but if he doesn't want to go, you'll go alone.

I think if DH had any type of affair, I'd want to understand why. After I'd kicked his arse into the middle of next week.

But when it comes down to it - do you actually really want to be with him?

I second going to the counselling alone. It would help to get to the bottom of what you want.
Just because you’ve been together 30 years doesn’t mean that it’s still right or you’re still happy. I think it will do you some good to talk through with a third party. They won’t be judgmental either.

Thank you! I really mean that. I was expecting to get flamed. I am a wreck,(self inflicted) I feel terrible and I so don’t want to trash our children’s future or ruin DH’s life. I honestly wish there was a way out of everything. I don’t care about me, I just want to make it better for everyone else. I just don’t know how without making it worse.

How old are your children?

Teenagers - kind of makes it worse. Vulnerable age, GCSEs etc, one has SEN. They are my priority.

I don't excuse affairs of any kind having said that, I do accept that things aren't always black and white. Sadly people’s heads can be turned if there is something lacking in their relationship and for that, I think both parties in the relationship need to take responsibility. In your case, you're saying that you felt your husband didn't listen to you. The only way things can really move forward is if he listens to you now and acknowledges that it's something he needs to work on. That's not letting you off the hook, that's moving forward and trying to repair your relationship.

I'm sure there are things your dh would like you to work on too - so you also need to listen and take responsibility for them (assuming they are true). Your marriage will not survive if you don't both learn and grow and that simply can't happen of he doesn't listen to you.

A counsellor may be able to give you tools that might help you communicate with your husband in a way he’ll respond to so it's worth going on your own if nothing else. Otherwise, you might just have to tell him that if he's not prepared to try and repair things that the marriage is over.

Why does he think it's a waste of his time? Why dont you see if you can get him to agree to just to to one session and meet them and find out what it's all about before dismissing it? Tell them how reluctant he is. And then as PP have suggested try going by yourself

Dh and I went to relate and it was relationship saving. My dh had the emotional affair. I found out after confronting him about suspicious mobile phone use. Your councillor will help you both reset. I hate what dh did. There was no real forgiveness, but an acceptance, an understanding and we moved forward.

Thanks for your replies Aria totally with what you’re saying. This has always been “something other people do” and the last situation I thought I’d find myself in, it’s certainly not something I set out to do or went looking for. I have said to DH a million times - what do you want me to do? He just says there’s nothing you can do, you did it. So I’m left not knowing what he wants from me or how to try and mend things. He just wants things as they were before (but obviously they never ever will be) in his mind everything was fine before I wrecked it and now it’s not. I don’t know, we just seem to go round in circles and I’m totally lost. whatsername that’s good to know it helped you, how long ago was this? Are you happy now?
I think i will try and contact someone for at least me first, whether I can get DH to go or not - to be honest I am now at the stage where I am not really functioning and I do t know where to turn and I know I do need some kind of help. Thanks again for replying

I suggest you read the unfaithful side of

Letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com

Or

Affairrecovery.com

What you see as punishment is him trying to understand what the hell is happening to his life. You've topped his life upside down and he's been graceful enough to let you stay.

You have to fully own what you've done, that means if you want a marriage fully taking responsibility. Understanding and unpicking why this happened and stop making derogatory comments like he "stalked" you. He was probably going out of his mind and being driven up the wall because whether you realised it or not your behaviour would have changed.

Taking responsibility means stopping asking him for the answers and go and find your own. There are lots of resources for unfaithful spouses out there. Tonnes.

He's hurt, incredibly painfully hurt, he's gonna go through angry phases, needing to know phases, etc.

How long ago did this happen? The average recovery time for something like this is 2 years.

Repairing your relationship can be done but it's your responsibility. You broke it you fix it. There is fault on both sides for the relationship but you're the one who cheated.

It happened 3 years ago, a few months after I miscarried our 2nd baby at 13 weeks. Relate was great - helped us to work on our relationship in a way that forced us to deal with issues that led to the affair, the actual affair, life and its shit etc. The one thing the councilor did was lay out how we manage the post affair relationship. I remember at one session dh had attended furious because I had been secretly checking his phone. In his eyes, he was trying so hard but it wasn't enough I was still checking in secret. The therapist explained that he should expect me to check and told him to start leaving his phone around so it was available to me. No pandering to his feelings, just simply 'you broke the trust, you rebuild it'. By the same token, she also encouraged me to stop 'shopping for pain' by making horrible digs or asking the same questions over and over. Instead, she encouraged me to make a list and ask the questions in the sessions a d then we'd talk through why It was bothering me. As we moved through, dh and I learned a strategy where we would thave a 'check in' conversation but not on a daily basis. We got weekly homework to work on which helped with day to day. I am mostly happy in my marriage now. However, in many respects, our marriage is like a vase that has been smashed to bits and then glued back together. There are cracks. I will never fully trust him again, nor have the same level of respect I once did. I love him, but not as unconditionally as I once did. But we are happy, I am stronger for it and we have two lovely little girls. Good luck to you.