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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally heartbroken at being rejected by my toddler??

33 replies

ethelfleda · 13/09/2019 18:56

I know I probably am.
DS is 22 months and we were incredibly well bonded for the first 18 months or so of his life.
Now, not only does he show an overwhelming preference for DH it will quite often push me out of his way, or behave like he is sad to see me when I get home. The other day, he fell in the garden and wouldn’t even let me comfort him because he knew DH was in the house. He wouldn’t calm down until he was in Daddy’s arms.
I know he is too young to understand and I am the adult and I shouldn’t be so upset by it - but I fell so rejected. Probably doesn’t help that he stopped nursing nearly 4 weeks ago either. I didn’t have a great relationship with my mom growing up (and still don’t really) and this worries me! Is it just a phase? Is it something I am doing wrong?

Please be kind - as you can probably tell I am not only needy but very easily hurt Sad

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 13/09/2019 19:06

I've read up a lot about this as my lo has a strong preference for me over dh and it’s hard to watch and I feel bad for dh. It's apparently really normal. Children often have preferences. My friend’s lo was the same as yours and had a preference for dad but as they’ve got older its evened out. My lo still had a preference for me but is much more even handed now, especially if he's had lots of one-on-one time with my dh. Apparently it can be a sign that they are well bonded to you. They know you’ll love then no matter what. But I know none of this is probably a huge comfort and for what it's worth, I would feel the exact same way as you.

I think the key thing is to not let your lo pick up on your hurt and definitely don't pull away. My dh pulled away for a bit because he felt down about it but it just made it worse.

We’ve found that if my dh does something lo likes we make it a ’daddy thing’ so if he asks me to do it ill say ’I don't know how to do that ask daddy’ and he will and so they now have a few special things that they share and I don't which is lovely to see and has made things better.

Your lo loves you so never think he doesn't and doesn't doubt your bond or blame yourself, I'm sure you're a brilliant mum. This is just a normal developmental stage, unfortunately.

Rubbishtimeofnighttobeup · 13/09/2019 19:06

In my experience, it's completely normal, OP. All the kids I know have gone through phases of making an extravagant show of preferring one parent over another. It's particularly normal if you're your DS's primary carer and Daddy is a novelty (but also normal if you're not).

Also, my friend's son was still EBF at the same age as your DS, and he still used to reject his mother in favour of his father constantly. If (unwisely) she said "do you love Mummy?", he'd laugh at her and say " no". So really don't worry that the end of breastfeeding is ruining your bond either.

Gigis · 13/09/2019 19:08

Hi
I think this is very normal and actually a sign that your son feels very very close and safe with you. Often children "act out" with the adults they're closest to because they know that whatever happens and however bad they get that adult will always be there for them. Atm hes still so little and if you've been his main caregiver up till now hes probably just discovering another level of independence and pushing you away is the only way he knows how to get that independence. It doesnt mean he doesnt want you or that he wont go back to wanting cuddles with you soon.
For what its worth the other day my daughter woke up early and cried and cried when I went in. For 2 hours she winged and cried. Then when her dad came down to go to work she suddenly perked up, smiled, ran over and gave him a huge hug. I jokingly asked her outright if shed been moody because she was disappointed ut was me and not him that got up with her and she laughed and nodded! Cheeky thing - shes 18 months so no clue really!

Whatsername7 · 13/09/2019 19:08

Dd1 was like this. Then she switched and rejected dh becoming a total mummies girl. Then she switched again. Children are emotional master manipulators and also little shitbags.WineCakeFlowers

Userzzzzz · 13/09/2019 19:10

It’s completely normal. We had a photoshoot done as a family and my toddler refused to go anywhere near me. She only wanted daddy and would scream blue murder if I tried to hold her. I was gutted. There are beautiful photos of her and my DH and none of me and her.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 13/09/2019 19:11

It's a tad unfair, isn't it, OP? I've always suspected that eventually DD will favour her dad (despite the fact my bikini body is irreparably ruined and he did nothing much by comparison- still rankles). The other day I went to brush her teeth and she said, "No! Daddy." And he had to take over to get it done.

She's fourteen months old. 🤷

Heyduggeefordays · 13/09/2019 19:12

Totally understand how you feel here OP! DD is 23 months and we’re currently experiencing the same thing. I’m good enough until DP arrives home from work and then it’s like I don’t exist. I’ve assumed it’s just a stage so i’m Making the most of the peace and quiet while DP does bath and bedtime with her most nights.

Rubbishtimeofnighttobeup · 13/09/2019 19:12

"Children are emotional master manipulators and also little shitbags."

Oh god, yeah. I recently got "I'm going to put you in the bin, mummy" because she didn't like having eyedrops in. She's a complete sweetheart and very chilled usually. It hurt but, if you don't react, they get bored of doing it faster.

user1472709746 · 13/09/2019 19:16

This happened to me. My DD had a really strong preference for both my DM and DP over me for about 18 months. She would ALWAYS chose either of them over me and even went through a long stage of being quite aggressive and hostile to me. I found it very very hard and became quite depressed over it.

It passed though and I am usually her first choice now. I have no idea what happened or why she switched back to 'liking me'. From the research I did at the time though it is very normal for toddlers to do this.

I know it's heartbreaking when you're in the thick of it but it is most likely just a phase!

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/09/2019 19:18

Thanks you lot. You’ve made me feel better about it all Smile

OP posts:
Sunshine93 · 13/09/2019 19:23

Yes it's normal to have preferences. It tends to pass and DS will prefer you soon and your DH will wonder what he's done wrong. In my experiences erience it's important to not always give in and to do things with and for him even if he wants his daddy. Honestly it has nothing to do with giving up feeding you've done amazingly to feel him for that long.

xmasbamechange · 13/09/2019 19:52

Trust me when I say this, it swings in roundabouts! DD1, I was her favourite until she was around 4 and then it started to change, she then became a complete daddies girl which I would have been fine with if she hadn’t in the process also rejected me at every single point. I wasn’t allowed to do anything with her or for her. It hurt like hell. Now she’s 6 and a half and I would say we’re at a really nice balance, I wouldn’t say there’s a preference for either of us anymore, more just depending on what she wants us for. I promise you it’s a phase and it will pass.

xmasbamechange · 13/09/2019 19:54

I forgot to say the biggest mistake you can make is showing that it bothers you or makes you upset in anyway. In my opinion it pushed her away and made it harder to rebuild. When I started to relax and not let it be a big deal it started to flip back. It only lasted in the end around 18ish months.

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2019 19:57

I’ve told this before- but anyway. When my ds was about 2, he gazed into my eyes and said “I love you, mamma.” I dutifully melted, and was about to say how much I loved him when he continued “But I love Daddy, Gracie (big sister) and the kittens more”_

Bringonspring · 13/09/2019 19:59

My Ds did this to me-simile age to yours. I did find it difficult. He grew out of it and definantly wants mummy now!

Rubbishtimeofnighttobeup · 13/09/2019 20:14

BertrandRussell - yeah, DD used to say "I love you so much, mummy.... and I love [insert name of random object she'd found in the kitchen, or piece of plastic tat we'd bought for 50p at the shops] so much too".

Trinpy · 13/09/2019 20:18

When I went back to work, when ds1 was 3 years old, he used to hide from me when I came home and shout out 'I don't love you mummy, I only love daddy'. I used to say 'oh really? That's a shame because I love you' and then ignore him ignoring me! He grew out of it pretty quickly and he's very close to both of us now.

Ds2 went the opposite way and is obsessed with me and won't let anyone else near him if I'm around. I'm sure he'll grow out of it eventually too (he's 3).

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/09/2019 20:19

Agh - why do they do this to us? We carry them, ruin our bodies careers and social lives for them and they reject us - just like that!

OP posts:
ChestnutTalisman · 13/09/2019 20:23

Totally normal, but also normal to feel sad about it OP

My DS had an extremely strong preference for me. He has now got a strong preference for Daddy. I felt for DH through all of it, he had to be very patient but is happy things have naturally changed over time. I'm sure they will for you and your little one too, keep the faith.

Bellsofstclements · 13/09/2019 20:31

My FIL is the favourite person of both my DS and his cousins for no apparent reason. He ignores them, reads his paper, watches TV, does no caring for them (MIL is I'm charge of food, sleep and nappies) but all three of them are constantly interested in what he's doing and wanting to sit with him. They line up at his feet.

Children are strange.

SimonJT · 13/09/2019 20:33

My sons four, he recently decided he loves my best friend more than me and wants him to be his new Dad and if he can’t be his new Dad he would like the cat to be.

His adoption was only finalised six months ago and he already wants to trade me in!

They don’t mean anything by it, they just show how they feel in the moment as they haven’t learned inhibitions. Soon the flavour of the month will be someone else.

MRex · 13/09/2019 20:48

Awww. I'm so sorry he's been pushing you away and that he didn't go back to breastfeeding. Massive hugs and hope he'll be giving you those hugs soon. He's had so many of your cuddles that it's ok to rebalance a little to his Daddy. They hold our hearts tightly these little ones, it hurts a lot but I think it's all part of their learning process to test how rejection works on their side, your DS is only doing it because he has a deep faith that you'll always love him so you're safe to run the tests on.

I don't leave DS much, so each day I went into the office he was giving me a mournful face and very pointedly cuddling / playing with DH and not coming near me until bedtime (when I'm favourite again). I was upset, but then I realised he was feeling a bit overwhelmed, so maybe he just missed me. Last week he came for a cuddle just a little bit before bed time, then this week he came to me straight away and squeezed me very tightly with a couple of small tears, so I'm hoping he's dealing with it better and will settle. I know he's happy and having fun with DH all day. It's probably different as my DS is younger, but I'm sorry because I know how much it hurts even though you know you're being silly.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 13/09/2019 22:31

Agh - why do they do this to us? We carry them, ruin our bodies careers and social lives for them and they reject us - just like that!

Amen to that, Sister.

Original poster
ethelfleda · 13/09/2019 23:03

Thank you MRex Smile you obviously remember me from the breastfeeding thread!

OP posts:
MRex · 14/09/2019 09:07

Yes, of course. I'm presuming the ear infection and thrush all cleared up as it seems like it's been a few weeks now?

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