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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope that I don’t now get the apology I demanded

14 replies

99problemsandjust1appt · 13/09/2019 17:32

Had a huge argument with a close family member. Basically I was sick and tired of being used and treated like rubbish by them and they did something dreadful and I snapped and really had a go at them.
This was 3 months ago. A couple of weeks after it happened they had text to basically say they decided it was over and done with and things were back to normal (touch of narcissism there tbh and control issues usually for a quiet life I just say ok fine have done in the past)
Anyway this time I was still so upset so said no. I need an apology as your actions were out of order.

I’ve suddenly realised how much better my life is without this toxic piece of shit in it. Have heard from another family member she is considering an apology but isn’t sure yet. I know if this happens I’m going to have to say actually no apology or not I can’t have contact anymore

I didnt realise how much better I’d feel

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 13/09/2019 17:38

Hi op. I've found in situations like this, what works for me is to say, 'I accept your apology and wish you well, however, I do not wish to resume our relationship/friendship.' You don't need to explain why, but if pressed, you can say, 'our friendship/relationship doesn't make me happy anymore'. Then ignore any attempt to make contact with you.

TrainspottingWelsh · 13/09/2019 17:38

Asking for an apology isn’t a legally binding contract, you are still at liberty to refuse to accept it.

BBBear · 13/09/2019 17:40

Just tell them it’s too late - you snooze, you lose!

NorthEndGal · 13/09/2019 17:44

Id say, "Thanks for the acknowledgment, although I think we can both agree the time apart was much easier, and we'd do best to keep things as they are."

Sindragosan · 13/09/2019 17:48

She's never going to actually apologise, just talk about it with other people so they think she's going to/has apologised and in time it will get warped into people thinking you're being unreasonable because you must have has an apology ages ago.

jobobpip08 · 13/09/2019 17:51

After decades of stress with a SIL (drama queen/narcissist) I stepped away from my DB and SIL after a massive failure to support me at a really traumatic time. 10 years ago, best thing I ever did. My life is drama free and no more biting my tongue! Don't feel obliged to pick back up, life is too short!

poopofprettycolours · 13/09/2019 17:53

What @snowfalling said - perfect

MountPheasant · 13/09/2019 17:53

Some great suggestions here OP. You can thank them for their apology and ask that you stay out of each other’s lives. Done and done.

Original poster
99problemsandjust1appt · 13/09/2019 17:54

I really had no idea how much better I’d feel tbh.
I think what opened my eyes was the most recent incident before it had all been directed at me but it was at my child and I couldn’t put up with that

OP posts:
imnotinthemood · 13/09/2019 18:01

The fact that it's 3 months later and she's only considering a apology makes me think she's not sorry . Also will she apologise? . Similar to me that a relative I wanted a apology off , I never got one but was told by family that he was sorry . It's possible this person has said this in the hope to smooth things over .
If you do get a apology you should except that you have got what you want but you still don't have to have that person in your life if you don't want to .

imnotinthemood · 13/09/2019 18:02

Exactly what @Sindragosan said .

Original poster
99problemsandjust1appt · 13/09/2019 18:06

It’s just been a total revelation how much better I’ve felt. I can’t believe I hadn’t realised how stressed she made me and how being around her made me on edge and anxious always trying to say and do the right thing, bending over backwards to help and I don’t know why I did it as I was treated like crap

I feel so so much better

OP posts:
Namechangedyorkshire · 13/09/2019 18:20

I had similar with MIL. Put up with her shit for years. Snapped after years of it and cut her out. Have little contact and oh god, how regretful is she now she realises that little contact means little with the children as well.

But I empathise. Not having to put up with her toxic shit and favouring my SIL all the time is absolute bliss and not seeing her ever again would be the ideal

CastleCrasher · 13/09/2019 19:13

I did similar with my mother. Fake apology came but I said it was too little too late.

Like you I couldn't believe how much more pleasant life was without her. Two DC later I'm also grateful to my younger self that they don't have her in their lives. If the distance is good for you, keep it. You're under no obligation to have them in your life

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