Am I being selfish

[YourDaughter]

Trying to work out if I’m just being miserable and grumpy or actually have a reason to be frustrated.
DH just started new job, it’s a role he held previously in mental health, pertinent as it means he knows the role and workplace. Means he’s working shifts again. He leaves at 6.30am for early shifts (Monday and Tuesday), long day wed, early thurs (leaves 6.30, home 8.30pm) with fri & wkend off. I’ve done all school drop offs (children at two sites, DD(5) 1st, DS(8) school at same place as me), all organising of their school stuff, clubs, hwk etc, this week and at wkend. It’s DS birthday this week, he has a family party tomorrow at our house (just DH’a family) and then friends Sunday morning. Don’t mind the two parties, or catering for DH’s family. I have cleaned (house was a tip 😳) and did the garden last weekend, so would need a quicker wipe over this week. DH was out last Friday for impromptu last day of work, hungover sat. Played computer games and with the children sun.
Tonight he is out for his proper leaving do (he’s been to do some work at our tenants this morning, picked DD up from school and built the swing in the garden as was down for renovations). Tonight I have to bake cake, do garden, put children to bed. Tomorrow decorate cake, look after children as DH will be hungover. Cook and cater for party. I have organised all DS’ gifts, party, party bags etc. I did all the hwk last night and put the children to bed. I’ll be organising sunday’s Party too.

My problem is not doing all the extra stuff, but that I want DH to notice the other day to day running around the house. Not to need me to direct and organise it? That he should notice I’ve had a madly busy week too and that it would have been nice for him to organise homework and bedtime last night?
I’ve tried talking to him, he says he sees my point and that he will “try harder and make more effort”, I just need to tell him what to do 🤯

God that’s long 😳

Buy a cake and order pizza. They are DH family so let him carry on.
Tell him to pull his finger out.
It sounds like your going through a period of upheaval at the moment. If he’s normally ok, watch and wait.

He's an adult and shouldn't need told what to do. Who would tell him what to do if you weren't there? I'm guessing he'd suddenly miraculously be able to understand what needs done then.

However busy - or not - he is, it will never be right while his attitude is; " I hadn't noticed, I will help, I just need you to tell me what to do," will it?

Is he like that at work, I wonder, or does he have his eyes open and brain engaged? Is he quick to spot what needs doing and swing into action, using his initiative?

This is what he needs to apply at home. He needs to be one of two adults in the house; one of the two parents.

He clearly sees his time at home as off-duty. When is your off-duty time?

Ask him to recall being interviewed for his new post and imagine what would have happened if he'd told the panel, "You will just need to point out everything you want me to do as I won't notice it by myself."

Where is the evidence of the teamwork element I bet he put in his CV?

You won't be expecting him to do everything at home, of course, if you're a SAHM, but it's thoughtless and selfish to do nothing he isn't led by the hand to.

Can he see how that pushes 100% of the adulting to you?

Nearly granny you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’ll give that a try. My problem is I get frustrated with doing it all and him not noticing, that builds resentment and I end up getting the angry. We argue and he sees me as unreasonable. Now whenever I mention the above he sees it as an attack and goes into defence mode. It’s breaking the cycle so we can have an adult conversation. I suppose we both need to be better

I work full time too...