Inlaws, kids & dh, aibu?

[NoTwinklefucksgiven]

Looking for opinions. Background is Dh has one sister, we've never really seen eye to eye on much over the ten years we've known each other but are civil and I try to be friendly at events we end up at. She and her Dh have very different approaches, beliefs, lives than us. She has two dc the same ages as my two, 6&8 in the same school and live the next street over. Mil and fil have all our DC for a day every fortnight and they get on really well. Her and dh work full time from home, my dh works full time and I work part time.

My relationship with dns is good, I take them to extracurricular activities when asked, have them over every school hol and some weekend days, sleepovers now they're older etc. I make sure they know they're always welcome at any time and loved.

My aibu is that dh is questioning why I do this, he sees it as me being a bit of a doormat because he sees that the parents are CF and aren't responsible (think go to and from school unsupervised, to the park etc) and want the dc passed off (they have a lot of help from her dhs parents too so don't really seem to spend quality time with the boys) and yes the dns can be a handful and from time to time theyll come out with their parents opinions and argue with my dc (in these instances of usually say it's ok to believe different things, have different opinions etc and change the subject) but dh sees it as bad influences over our dc. They're generally good kids, and I don't do it for the parents I do it for them as they love our fun days and our relationship and their bond with my dc, so pretty selfish when you break it down anyway.

They're sleeping over tonight so sil can go to a concert and dh isn't happy. Technically they're his dns but I see them just as much mine as my dbs dc so I've been doing it all single handed and don't expect him to run around after anyone like I do. He's out tonight so won't intrude on our time but I feel awful on everyone now. So aibu in spending the effort when it doesn't (usually) involve dh anyway? We don't get help or nights away and it's never reciprocated by them if that makes a difference.

YABU to offer free childcare and babysitting when sil doesn't bother to do the same for you. I can see why your dh considers you to be a doormat - and for his sister! I might do it for my own sister but not for a sil who you don't even have a very close relationship with. I'd ask her to take your kids for a night so yourself and your Dh can go out together. If she doesn't then I wouldn't be in a hurry to mind hers again.

Is it never reciprocated because you never ask, or because you ask and they say no?

Perhaps DH would like nights out or away with you but feels he has no-one to ask to take the DC? There’s probably some childhood jealousy here that his DS gets away with having things that he can’t, made worse by the fact his own wife is facilitating his DS.

Do you have the DNs so much that DH could feel as if he’s missing out on family time just you 4?

You shouldn't really live your life based on other people. If YOU don't mind having them over then why would you stop taking them? So your SIL doesn't return the favour, but are you doing it with that expectation? It doesn't sound like it.

You'd husband should butt out, it's nothing to do with him if he's not involved. If the boys are somehow interfering with his evenings or weekends then he might have a point.

If you don’t mind doing it and they (mostly) get on with your kids YANBU I don’t think. If SIL & BIL are as grim as they sound you wouldn’t necessarily want them reciprocating and having your kids exposed to them more than they need be. And it’ll let their kids see that not everyone does things their parents’ way which they may be very thankful for down the line.

I wouldn't leave dc with them so never asked, and we don't talk often so it's never come up. I usually do plans via the dc so say do they want to come to x place with us after school Friday, let me know what mum says and I'll get a text from her saying she'll send them round at y time and I'll text back I'll drop them back before dh gets home at z time. My dc love having them round and it's a lovely bond they have so I genuinely don't see the harm. We planned a movie night together tonight so they've brought popcorn and all really excited.

I couldn't give a flying fuck about their parents theyll never know that so why can't I see the problem?

It is nice for your kids to have a close relationship with their cousins.

Is the SIL /BIL so lacking in responsibility that you wouldn't want yours to go there if you had a night out?

It is a bit irritating that the childcare and babysitting isn't reciprocal. It could be a great arrangement.

Are there other favours they could do for you and DH?

It probably is down to childhood jealousy / favoritism or something. Which is powerful stuff. He might not like seeing you taken for granted, if that is how he sees it.

Just to answer a pp, it doesn't intrude on our family time, we go out every Saturday for the day with dc and Sunday either lazy day just us or out again or parties. Dh is out til late tonight so I suggested the sleep over so she's booked them to go out too.

I don't think dh is jealous, more sees her as not deserving dc as they do nothing with them and palm them off to everyone they can. My reasoning is they need somewhere to be a constant and why not here where they're loved.

I did similar with my DN’s at that age. My SIL had a chaotic lifestyle and like you, I liked having them to stay as did my similarly aged DC.
My DN are 18 and 21 now and, despite driving/social media etc. never keep in touch with me, my DH (their Uncle) or my DC. We all miss them and hope they may remember the fun we used to share.
Make the most of them now. I find your DHs attitude to youngsters he shares kinship with, rather sad.

I couldn't trust them to have dc, they work all day every day apparently so I'm sure they'd come up with an excuse anyway.

Dh is lovely, I've not painted him out that way but he's such a family man, does so much with dc and is great with dns also when he sees them. It's just he resents that his dsis gets an easy ride. But if you ask him he wouldn't want to have less time with dc.

You sound like a lovely Auntie. Your relationship with your nieces is being cultivated by you, regardless of how the adults get on. As long as the kids are happy, whats wrong with a loving Aunt they feel welcome around?
As a mum of teens, all these family experiences stick so when they are older they will all love you for the effort you put in.

You sound like a really lovely auntie, and I think you are right to put the children first. It isn't their fault they have crap parents. When they grow up, they will realise what you have done for them.

Making an effort with your nephews because you want to is lovely.

Doing constant favours for SIL when you would rather not is being a doormat.

From your OP you are definitely in the first category. DH needs to stop seeing the benefit his sister gets an appreciate his nephews and the cousins relationship.

I'm sorry Polly you sound like a lovely aunt and I'm sure they love you for every experience, I don't keep in touch enough with my aunt's so that's spurred me to touch base tomorrow.

I know my judgement is clouded because I was practically raised by my aunt's and grandparents so it's normal to me, I'm from a huge family but moved away to have dc.

Dh got home about an hour ago and is currently half an hour into the emoji movie with his pyjamas on sat with all the boys. I don't think he's going out tonight after all

Thanks sal, family politics can be so tough but the kids don't deserve our issues and do deserve to have good relationships and places they can always turn to. My family gave that to me so I want to pass that on. I don't ever bad mouth dc aunt and uncle, they're not in the dc lives enough to notice they're absent if that makes sense so it's just how it is. Its made my night that dh has cancelled going out!

@NoTwinklefucksgiven, first off, I want to say that you're doing an awesome job by getting all children together and have a great time. They will remember this.

However, what I understand from your post that your DH is not very pleased with this arrangement. But have you talked to him, telling him its not his Dsis, it is you who has a problem as you don't trust leaving your DC with Dsis and her DH? Maybe then your DH will see the point on why his Dsis is getting an easy ride?

It has nothing to do with your dh’s relationship with his DS (or lack thereof); it has everything to do with your (and your dc’s) relationship with her dc.

You sound like a lovely aunt, good on you for facilitating a relationship

You sound like a great Aunt and those kids will likely look back and appreciate all you did for them, especially if their own parents don't bother. My cousin was the same age as me and we was inseparable, she really was my first best friend, cousins are a great thing to have!
I understand your DH been annoyed that his sister is getting a easy ride but it's the kids that matter, not them.

OP, you say the kids don't deserve our issues and do deserve to have good relationships and places they can always turn to. My family gave that to me so I want to pass that on.

I totally agree with you. You're an amazing aunt and all the DC involved are lucky to have you.

Surely if you explain yourself as eloquently as you have here your DH will understand your motivation? I'd have thought he'd love you even more.

YANBU. You are doing an amazing thing for these kids. I have an aunt like you and I appreciate the start in life she gave me more than she'll ever know. DH seems to think its a pissing contest between him and his sister but I think you've got your priorities right here.

You are doing a Kindness for the children, not a Favor for SIL. Keep on offering them a place to go and an ear to listen. Those children will grow up to recognize the difference and to appreciate all you have done.
When my two girls were growing up, the youngest had a friend who was a single mom, feckless and borderline alcoholic. She was left in the care of whoever would take her. I started taking her every weekend - not special activities, just included her in what ever we were doing. I helped her with her homework, talked to her about growing up, and listened to her plans. When she was 16, she started calling me Mama Georgia. She said our family was the best thing that ever happened to her because we showed her what being a family meant.

I wish you were my SIL!

Thank you for your lovely and probably undeserved comments.

Stepmum it's a hard one, dh has the exact same viewpoint when it comes to our dc, and he'd be worried if I left our two in their care for various reasons that are too outing to go into.

He's also very angry at how his dsis treats their mum. She seems to be of the opinion mil owes her, same with her dhs dm (who I also know well as I'll often invite her round and see her at school/activities for the dc etc and she's so sweet, not nearly firm enough with her dgc, but a lovely person). I've never heard sil speak a kind word to or about mil and it's a shame as she is so lovely and watching her with all the dc really shows what a loving and nurturing woman she is. They have the best relationship. But that's just my experience of her.

We spoke at length last night after the boys were asleep and I do get where dh is coming from in wanting to shelter our boys. He thinks I'm enabling sil selfish viewpoint that they're 'owed' and that in the long term they have to take more responsibility for their dcs sake. He's worried that dns will eventually go off the rails with so little supervision that were all enabling and our dc will be influenced down a bad path. I adore my dc, and that pulled on my heartstrings a lot.

I feel really torn. My heart says they're good kids and our family, if they start down a bad path they have us and mil/fil to interject if their parents dont. God knows I've had that in my family but you deal with it together. And tbh if anything happened to their parents I'd want to take them in as our own, I love those boys. It's just hard to hear from dh he worries I'm potentially putting our dc on a bad path. I quite strongly disagree, but at the same time I take on his viewpoints so I'm just quite gutted at his comments.

Georgia thanks for sharing that, you sound amazing, I wish I had you here to bounce viewpoints off!

Dh wonders if it's a class thing. I'm very much from a working class background, his family are very much middle class. My family know everyones business and aren't shy of disagreeing or giving their views, the village raises dc not just the parents, and that's a revelation to dh, his family can be quite private, don't talk about much other than politics and the weather and I respect that but I've built up a good relationship with mil, she's a darling and I don't class her as upperdy as the rest

Brass I'm on the lookout for a surrogate sil if you're interested? The bar is currently set quite low.

I don't think it's a class thing. I'm very middle class and I come from a close, open, talkative, loving family who look out for each other. I'm sure there are just as many buttoned up, distant working class families.

And I look out for other people's DC. I had my son's gf living with us for years because her dad was hitting her.

It's not class. It's to do with how extensive your idea of the family is. You and I see the bounds of the family as bigger than your husband does. We're happy to take other people's DC on to a greater or lesser extent when we see the need.

And I think we're right. And I think the love and ethics you are demonstrating will in fact provide all the DC involved with protection against bad influences as they grow up. They are sharing the good lessons you're teaching them and they'll be remembered when they're grown. I say stick to your guns.

I feel quite strongly about this. You'd never guess.