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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a baby shower?

23 replies

SilentAlarm · 13/09/2019 14:15

Just that really.

I’m due my first baby and a colleague is insisting on throwing me a baby shower.

I’ve tried telling them I don’t want one, I don’t like attention and am very much an introvert. I suggested I’d be happy to go out for a quiet lunch instead as more of a “good luck, see you after your mat leave” rather than a baby shower which she finally agreed to but the invite has still been sent to people as a baby shower. And I really don’t want one!

OP posts:

zzzzzzzz12345 · 13/09/2019 14:20

Baby showers are a horrific American import almost as awful as the primary school prom... but she is clearly trying to do a kind thing.

I’d have a very quiet but clear word with the manager to say thIs focus makes you feel uncomfortable and you will be emailing everyone to say thanks so much but I’d much rather have a nice lunch with you all instead.

I’ve done this. You can do it perfectly politely without saying directly that it is a load of old shit. Even though it is.

louella999 · 13/09/2019 14:22

I didn't have one. I quite like going to them (although grabby) but hated the idea of having my own. Your colleague should respect your wishes.

Rachelover60 · 13/09/2019 14:23

You're not at all unreasonable, in fact you are to be congratulated. Well done!

CassianAndor · 13/09/2019 14:26

Baby showers are a horrific American import

as I understand it, in the US baby showers are often just a gathering of women for coffee, cake, maybe the odd gift and a sharing of stories and wisdom. I quite like the idea of that.

Drum2018 · 13/09/2019 14:27

A colleague? It's one thing for a sister or best friend to organise one but not a colleague, unless she's also your best friend. I'd find that hugely intrusive and would say it's not happening. Her sending out the message that it's a baby shower will make people feel that they have to buy gifts and that would infuriate me.

Jeschara · 13/09/2019 14:27

Yanbu, I don't like them either.

Original poster

SilentAlarm · 13/09/2019 14:38

I've already tried the upfront approach - when she first suggested it I flat out refused and said I didn't want anything at all and that it's not me - I made it 100% clear I didn't want one.
When it was brought up again I tried the polite/meeting her halfway approach of no baby shower but a quiet lunch just for our team.

The invite was then sent to our team but as a baby shower, not a lunch, and as a PP said I am now worried that people will feel they have to bring gifts. I really don't need anything - if people want to buy me/the baby something then obviously that's a lovely gesture and would be appreciated but I don't like the idea of people feeling like they HAVE to buy something/contribute to a group gift. I also know for a fact some team members won't want to spend 3 hours(!!) talking baby things and I don't blame them for it at all.

I had an e-mail today saying "Oh I see Anita* has arranged your baby shower :)" and felt like going back with a ITS NOT A BABY SHOWER ITS A BLOODY LUNCH but it seems a little dramatic...

I am just dreading it - I hate being the centre of attention and know I won't enjoy it. I know it's come from a kind place but then part of me does think it's not particularly kind if I've already made it clear I don't want it!

It just feels very forced and I'm not comfortable with it, but don't know how to get that across - I thought I already had to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilentAlarm · 13/09/2019 14:40

Oops, name change fail! Have requested previous post be deleted as outing.

OP posts:

tillytrotter1 · 13/09/2019 14:42

Don't attend, you've said you don't want it but they've gone ahead with this pointless exercise anyway. Personally I can't bear thing where I am the centre of attention and would have hated it.

mrspotatohed · 13/09/2019 14:49

I'm the same. It's so cringy and I find them so boring to attend. I'm not having one where as my friend is doing everything possible. Gender reveal, baby shower etc. I couldn't think of anything worse then all that attention when i already feel self conscious and shit

Mia1415 · 13/09/2019 14:52

I didn't have one and hate going to them. YANBU

Marshmallow91 · 13/09/2019 14:53

I had my first baby 7 months ago. I didn't even bring up having a baby shower through my pregnancy because people who know me, knew it'd be my idea of hell

thecatsthecats · 13/09/2019 14:55

We pre-empt this sort of thing at work by taking control of how things are celebrated. The company buys a gift so no one else has to, and there's no awkward coercion of people to match the expectations of the best friends who try and make it into something bigger.

Abouttimemum · 13/09/2019 14:59

Yep, up there with engagement parties as being absolutely pointless. And christenings hosted by people who literally never go to church / practice religion. You are not being unreasonable. I couldn’t think of anything worse! For a country where everyone claims to not have any money we love putting on others and making them spend money unnecessarily on forced events.

Someone at my work tried to throw me one, I said I appreciated the thought because I did, but it wasn’t for me, and I gradually just turned it into afternoon cake at a local cafe with anyone from work who wanted to come and see me off on maternity. I’ll go for cake at any time!
As it happens he came early anyway so I missed it!

Willow2017 · 13/09/2019 15:00

Just email everyone in your team and explain that it's not a baby shower, you do not want a baby shower just a nice quiet lunch out before you leave.
If colleague can't respect your wishes then don't go, arrange another lunch or coffee with the team another time.

Abouttimemum · 13/09/2019 15:02

I agree with Willow, take control!

Pippa12 · 13/09/2019 15:11

IMO there is nothing wrong with baby showers. You are invited not summoned and it’s fine to say ‘I’ll buy you a gift when baby is here’ or alternatively buy a pack of bibs. I’m always why posters get on their high horse about baby showers/hen parties/destination weddings... anyway I digress

YANBU not wanting a baby shower, you’ve expressed you don’t want one... I would quite simply not turn up!

Hadalifeonce · 13/09/2019 15:17

I would send an email to the team saying that there appears to be a slight misunderstanding, that you are really looking forward to having a farewell lunch with everyone, and it is just a farewell lunch.

KUGA · 13/09/2019 15:23

Yet more American bullshit.
Stick to your guns and say NO.

bridgetreilly · 13/09/2019 15:25

Email everyone saying there's been a miscommunication somewhere, and while you're really looking forward to a nice lunch with them all, it's not a baby shower, you won't be playing games or whatever, and of course, no one should bring any gifts. Then talk to one or two people you know well, explain what's happened and ask them to make sure everyone understands what you really want.

dollydaydream114 · 13/09/2019 15:35

YANBU and I cannot bear people who think they know what's best for others and force them into having celebrations they don't want and won't enjoy.

DulciUke · 13/09/2019 15:37

as I understand it, in the US baby showers are often just a gathering of women for coffee, cake, maybe the odd gift and a sharing of stories and wisdom. Yes, that's what the few that I've been to are like. Along with some silly games. The gifts are usually useful, but inexpensive. They've all been very low key and held in people's homes. I'm sure that there are people who do go over the top, but I've never seen anything like that. What are they like in the UK?

Back to the original question, can you tell your friend that she needs to send a group email explaining that it is just a simple meal at a restaurant? You will need to be blunt and tell her that if you see any sign of a shower, you will turn around and leave (or get up and leave if she tries to spring it on you mid-meal.) She really is being pushy and rude. You don't need extra anxiety when you are expecting and if this situation continues, tell her that you aren't coming at all.

MissTicPizza · 13/09/2019 16:35

YANBU! I would hate that too OP. Don't you have a midwife's appointment that day?

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