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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

TO be clutching at straws

20 replies

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 10:57

I really am not 15 but a separated women in her forties ! I have a great connection with a colleague. We spend our breaks together and also socialise regularly . We got too close but that ended when he met his current girlfriend . Fast forward a few months and the spark is still alive and well . He is still with his girlfriend . We are beginning to get close again but nothing untoward or inappropriate just genuine fun and chat in and out of work. He asks a lot about my social life outside of work . I can be private about that for no reason other than there can be other colleagues around and I don’t like them knowing my business for gossipy reasons . Lately though he keeps asking until I find myself telling him my plans . The weird thing was lately that when o told him that I am going off to a beautiful country hotel
For a weekend of food drink and sleep, he got very odd. Wouldn’t make eye contact , walked out of the canteen mid chat after asking me about ten questions etc. Now I know he is coupled up and I am no catch but am I being ridiculous to think he might have feelings again ?he once told me that he wished we had met earlier in life . That was before his girlfriend though .

OP posts:

Sarcelle · 13/09/2019 11:00

If he was interested he would not have got himself a gf.

DrizzleKicks · 13/09/2019 11:06

Have you posted about this before? It's just very familiar...

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 11:09

No I’m new to mn as of this morning. I know it’s juvenile but thought I might get clarity . I signed up
To post this aibu. Thanks

OP posts:

Hederex · 13/09/2019 11:10

He thinks you're going away with another man.

Which, when he has a girlfriend, is kind of sickening.

Why didn't you get together when he didn't have one? What do you mean by 'too close'?

smokeytoby · 13/09/2019 11:13

He doesn't want to be with you (hence the girlfriend), but doesn't seem to want anyone else to have you either.

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 11:36

We never got together because my husband walked out and my children were in a very bad place at the time and for months after. It wasn’t the right time . Too close meaning not just friendship behaviour. Too much contact and too much deep talk

OP posts:

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 11:37

Thanks for your responses . Maybe you are right to suggest he thinks I’m going with a man .

OP posts:

Hederex · 13/09/2019 12:05

This is a tough one. I don't know what to suggest. How long has he been with his gf now?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2019 12:12

I know he is coupled up and I am no catch but am I being ridiculous to think he might have feelings again

So what if he has? If he's flirting with you while still with his current girlfriend, he sounds like a twat.

Neither of you are being very fair to her.

WhatIsThis1 · 13/09/2019 12:12

He likes the idea that he has you waiting in the wings for him and is sulking because he thinks you might be going with another man. If he wanted to be with you he would, but he is with his girlfriend. Also, he doesn't sound like a catch in terms of having a partner but also keeping one eye on you.

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 12:16

Since last Christmas . I don’t know very much about her except that he is flippant about them . He talks much more about all other aspects of his social life. That is all I know

OP posts:

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 12:20

If you are right and he thinks he can keep
Me on a hook, he may forget about that. I will be much more observant from now on and actually keep my distance . Plenty of great men out there . It is clear that he isn’t one of them if he still has some interest in me .

OP posts:

ChuckleBuckles · 13/09/2019 12:20

I am going to vote that he is a twat too, OP. He is in a relationship but is enjoying the ego stroke of thinking you are pining away for him. The news that you were going away to a country hotel for the weekend raised his shackles as he thought that another bloke may be on the scene and your attention would wander off him to lead your own life. Also he is a twat twice over to be flirting with you in work and then going home to his poor unsuspecting girlfriend, both you and her deserve better than these games.

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 12:23

I can’t dosagree with that @ chucklebuckles. There is no way on earth I pine for him. And I certainly won’t be giving him a speck of attention if he thinks it might be me giving him an ego massage . No bloody way .

OP posts:

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 12:24

Hi gf doesn’t know about our friendship I would think. I’ve never met her and have had plenty of opportunity .in fact I suggested it but has t happened

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2019 12:29

If he wanted you then he wouldn't have found himself a girlfriend.

You're providing him with much sought after male-ego stroking. Bring a end to it. This way madness lies.

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 12:40

You are absolutely right . I never thought of it like that . I am sure that he will bombard me with messages when he thinks that I am away with a man over the weekend

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 13/09/2019 13:44

Create some boundaries. He's having it exceptionally well having you to flirt with at work and a sense of 'star crossed lovers' whilst getting the benefit of having a girlfriend at home.

It has got to you. Whilst you're still obsessing over this 'connection' you aren't available to other potential decent men who will want to make you their girlfriend and indeed spend weekends away. Draw a line and stay professional. This man will fuck with your head.

Original poster

jellylegs2019 · 13/09/2019 13:51

Thank you. I’m
So pleased I posted now. I had doubted myself and his intentions. My confidence led me to believe that it was a figment if my imagination and that he would hardly still be trying to have anything more than a laugh and s chat

OP posts:

Original poster

Jellylegs2019 · 16/09/2019 10:13

To update those who helped me see the light! I had my weekend away. I came back to work where he was awkward and again didn’t make eye contact . He is normally very friendly and would always enter my office first thing . He asked how my weekend was and I shut it down. He didn’t text me once during the weekend so I think he got the message ( he usually
Texts loads during my weekends ) . Not sure about why the coolness in his interaction with me but I am grateful for your advice as I have mentally shut him down in anyway other than a colleague and I know it will be awkward to assert boundaries but feel that this is the best way forward.

OP posts:

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