To think most people just can understand

[Notnormalnotweird]

I love MN and I’ve found it such a valuable resource but so often on here I read ‘how can you put up with this?’, ‘how can you be in a relationship like this?’, ‘how can you think you’re worth so little’. I don’t think people who grew up in happy well adjusted families can possibly understand how warped your world view is if you grow up in a dysfunctional family.

I grew up in a really messed up family. My dad treated my mum like dirt. She did almost all chores, limited access to family money and he cheated. Although I dated a few ‘normal’ boys, when I met my DH at 20 who grew up in a similar family, he felt ‘familiar’ and ‘right’. I think you just drift towards other dysfunctional families. My grandparents on both sides were similar. My DHs family is similarly dysfunctional.

Over time as I’ve grown up, and with access to resources like MN which my parents never had, I’ve worked so hard to change my behaviour and thinking before the cycle is repeated with my own 3 DDS. At 50, I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and I’ve barely got it together. The problem is everyone I know closely (my family and DHs family) all think their way of life is normal and it makes you question yourself incessantly. If you start questioning these things you’re not only risking your relationship with your partner but also often all your support network. Finally, I don’t know if anyone else will relate to this but even at 50 I feel slightly uncomfortable and on-edge in the company of ‘normal’ people who grew up in loving, balanced families and for whom being treated well is the norm. I can’t quite relax and feel like a pretender.

I think my AIBU is just AIBU to think it’s impossible to explain the dynamic to people who haven’t grown up like this?

Yanbu. I am very lucky to have grown up in a happy phone and I can never understand women on Mumsnet who put up with being treated so awfully. It's lovely to hear you say that Mumsnet has helped you with self confidence. I am sure other women on here will be inspired by your post

I know what you mean.

I had an awful childhood and I'm definitely altered because of it, scars of trauma and abuse. I assume my friends who had a happy upbringing have an easier time of getting through life without these scars.

I feel 'othered'.

Yanbu. Nobody can understand anyones personal circumstances.
I feel like an impostor at times, most people suffer this, if you feel on edge around others keep in mine you have no idea of their path.
People are affected by different troubles. You are doing great with your DDs it is all about breaking the chain and not repeating history.
You're stronger than you know some people repeats thing's for generations.

Thank you for posting this. I have never understood why so many people put up with being treated like crap, and this goes some way to explaining it. I had a really good childhood surrounded by (in the main) other people with similar lives, although (obviously) I know there were people growing up with dysfunctional families I never really considered how it would impact on them years down the line. I think it is incredibly sad how many people there are like this - and MN seems to draw them out. I won't be so harsh to judge in future.

Yeah I figured a lot of that out when MeToo was at its height.

So many women told stories where basically... they didn't think they deserved better. That was heart of it.

They put up with crap or abuse & worse coz they thought that was just normal way to be treated. For them personally and/or for any woman.

Some seemed to say that they would be obviously 'weak' and attract even more abuse from other predators, if they publicly acknowledged how bad the behaviour towards them had been. Or others would shame them for being so weak as to A) let it happen and/or B) let it bother them.

Some were complicated stories, like CBF not wanting to grass her friends up for having free flowing alcohol at a party for under 18s, so couldn't go to anyone with her full story. So had to try to bury memory & pretend it wasn't so bad.

@DrizzleKicks you’ve put it better than me, I feel ‘othered’. I feel like I’m not the same as these lovely families I see and I’m embarrassed that I’ll slip up at some point and they’ll see what I was like in the past. It feels like second guessing yourself all the time.

@Ijustwanttoretire that’s such a lovely post, I’m so glad I could put across my point of view. Don’t worry about being judgemental, it actually really helped me. To give an example, if I were to say to any family ‘DH yelled at me for giving him an inadequate foot massage after work’, their response would be along the lines of ‘yes, men are like that, it’s so hard’.

When I started posting on MN most responses were baffled and outraged. It really helped me see that the dynamic i was living in wasn’t normal or acceptable

@YeOldeTrout yes, exactly, you just think it’s a rubbish but normal part of being a woman, almost like paying taxes is an undesirable but unavoidable part of earning money.

I think the ‘weak’ part really resonates as well. When I first started making changes I was labelled a bit of a ‘troublemaker’. That puts you in a worse position as no one is as willing to back you up in future. The only thing which pushed me through is I will not allow my DDs to live the same life.

It feels like we have fault lines and at any moment we could give ourselves away by saying or doing something 'wrong'. I totally understand.

When we miss out on unconditional love and support as a child, our sense of self and self esteem suffers hugely. Personally I seek validation and permission from others more than I should, and I find confidence hard to hold onto.

It's so easy to fall into abusive relationships and bad situations when you're compelled by conditioning to please others, to seek approval and keep the peace. We are used to drama; it's not a red flag because it's been normalised.

I'm coming to accept how I am, and that I am 'othered' - and if you feel the same, you have me for company :) and as well as the scars that make us different, we also have strength, resillience, huge empathy and compassion for others.

Don't be afraid of people seeing the real you; you survived, you're remarkable.

I feel like I’m not the same as these lovely families I see and I’m embarrassed that I’ll slip up at some point and they’ll see what I was like in the past.
I have friends now that came from dysfunctional families - and in the main part I didn't know until I had known them for a while and they confided in me what their life had been like. By that time I had got to know them and it made no difference to me. No true friend judges you on your past.