If you have split from your child’s other parent...

[Ballbag9]

Do they contact you between visitation and if so how often and what for?

This is an AIBU but I’d like to know the above without giving my circumstances as I’m unsure if the history is making me think differently.

Thanks

Depends most of the time it's just when we have specific topics about DS to talk about.

Occasionally we exchange random chit chat messages. We'd been friends since school and known each other a long time and sometimes despite the situation the split caused remnants of our old friendship peak through.

I've found older Ds gets the less we need to communicate really. When he was pre school
Age and younger we had more contact.

@milktwosugarsthanks Not sure why you've taken it upon yourself to be offended on behalf of the OP. If she uses the wrong terminology, she may get answers which don't apply to her situation. I thought I corrected her politely enough. Why have you taken it upon yourself to get offended? Hope you're OK.

Prob every couple of days, he checks how they are or just general asking about stuff for them.

Only to argue about finances he barely asks how they are or what they’ve been doing. He doesn’t call or FaceTime them either

Neither of has got a new partner so often.

Have a key to his house so go in to use the facilities.

Dropped off food when his parent died. Used his washing machine when mine broke. Occasionally will do his washing up.

It was the way that works best for the children.

We are unusual though

Ex and I chat here and there over FB messenger when the need arises.

We're trying to keep it amicable.

When my DD was younger a few times a week maybe? When she became a teen he started contacting her directly for the most part

What a wanky thing to say! Who in god's name do you think you are? So what if OP is using American terminology, this is Mumsnet not bloody Court! Get out of your own arse!!!! 😂

We message everyday. About dc and just general chatting. We are still friends though so would be strange if we didn't. Handovers twice a week are usually 15 minutes of us chatting and having a cuppa.

It’s been a regular eow on the dot of 4 to pick them up since we split, as the years went the kids are adults and he texts them to “remind” them he will pick up youngest (asn and the only one who still goes as routine but to visit rather than stay) I THINK he may text and call the oldest more but middle hasn’t had even a how are you since he left school and went away to uni

@YouWhoNeverArrived

I'm not offended. You said something wanky, not offensive. The tone I picked up from your post was not so much polite as rather superior. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm very well, thank you for asking.

My kids are teens now so he can contact them as and when. He contacts me about other stuff like financial, Christmas, holidays etc Our last chat was GCSE Results Day (22nd August) about our DD's results.

Before our kids had their own phones, I'd heard from him more often (2-3 times a week?) but now it's more like 1-2 times per month unless something unusual happens like a child is very ill. Ds was very ill last year and I heard from him every other day.

My eldest father never bothered to make contact between visits. Only the day before to say picking him up at.... He would occasionally message me kicking off. It has now been 7 years without a visit but he has asked about him a handful of times. Just not when his child had an operation. It's usually when he wants something

When my parents split they didn’t at all. My friends parents communicate all the time even though their joint children have grown up.
My other friend who has school age children will call to speak to her kids when they are at their dads and he will call at set times during the week. They only discuss the children.
I largely think it depends on the break up in the beginning and then later on depends if the reason for the break up has been ‘forgiven’ by the ‘injured’ party.

My partner's son is 16 and now gets the train to and from his mum's, so the only things they talk about are if one of them wants to book a holiday and they're checking dates.

She walked out on them when son was just a baby, and it completely messed up what my partner had imagined his life being like, so there has never been any friendliness between them after the split.

Nope, he is a bit feckless tbh. Sees the DC for 6-8 hours a week, pays bare minimum maintenance and usually says he will phone them during the week to check in on them but only does it once in a blue moon.

If you mean does he contact me then no, not at all. I have to chase him to find out which day he will be seeing them that week.

*@milktwosugarsthanks Not sure why you've taken it upon yourself to be offended on behalf of the OP. If she uses the wrong terminology, she may get answers which don't apply to her situation. I thought I corrected her politely enough. Why have you taken it upon yourself to get offended? Hope you're OK. *

Actually you who never arrived, if the OP is in the UK, you have given her outdated information.
The terms now used by the courts, and the law (within the new Child Arrangements Orders, which did away with residence and contact orders) is now “Lives with” and “spend time with”.

I am a Cafcass advisor. I just thought if you were going to make a ‘wanky’ irrelevant correction to the OP, you may as well get it right.

My partner has contact with her kid's father for various reasons including the following:

• To listen to him moan about his job.
• To listen to him moan about his mum.
• To help him figure out how his phone works.
• To tell him how connect to wifi.
• To help him with job applications
• To help him do his internet banking
• To advise him (at his request) about his financial matters.
• To support him through alcohol withdrawal
• To support him through his gambling addiction.
• To advise him when parent evenings etc. are happening - he has an app for both kid's schools with all the info but doesn't really 'get' them.
• To tell him if he makes up shit about me again all the above will stop (that was only once, we usually get on pretty well but my god she was angry at him..)

The thing is... the kids love him, and if she withdraws the above he's probably homeless within half a year. She does want to help him get self-sufficient. She really does. It just doesn't seem to go in. She's withdrawn it all before and he nearly lost his apartment and job. The girls would suffer massively if these things happened, so it's for their sake she does it. If they didn't benefit it might be different.

It's sad really, I know so many women who have left maliciously abusive men. His behaviour was abusive, but my partner never felt it came from an evil place, just a hopeless place, if that makes sense.

Not frequently now as DS is 15 so if his Dad wants to know how he is etc he can text him!

When he was little he might text once or twice in the two weeks between seeing him. More if he's after something. He gets on my nerves so I'm pleased to not speak to him so much now ( unless it's about DS of course).

Now if he gets in touch it's normally to moan about his ex wife. I'm not sure why he thinks I want to know, I'm particularly not a fan when he moans about how she didn't let him do stuff with the two children they have together. It's sad, but I don't want to hear how she didn't let him be there on the first day of school, how she didn't let him have them over Christmas, holiday etc. He's never bothered to see DS's first day at school , and if he asks for Christmas it's a half hearted effort. He's never been that interested in his first borns life, yet desperate to be in theirs. Hmm

Sorry, can you tell this thread has touched a nerve?

My ex and I share custody 50/50 so DD alternates weeks with us so we are in contact pretty regularly but 95% of it is about DD and scheduling/arrangements. We have a WhatsApp chat that we use to keep each other updated - if invites/school letters etc arrive we take a photo and put it on the chat so we both have the info - or discuss stuff for DD - her birthday party/Christmas present ideas - and a joint online calendar of DDs commitments so we both stay on track with clubs/appointments etc.

The other 5% is usually pleasantries because we split amicably and are still friendly so I would think nothing of something like "Say happy birthday to your mum from me when you take DD later"

Thanks for ALL your replies .

LO is a baby. Found out ex is a drug addict when I was already pregnant - somehow I’d gone all those years without knowing...he’s obviously a good liar though - now, I see it explains a lot of his behaviour. He didn’t bother through the pregnancy then thought he could waltz back in when the baby was born (to be a little family) which was never going to happen. As quick as he appeared he disappeared again for a number of months before requesting contact with the baby recently. I don’t have a problem with him seeing the baby and I’m happy to be amicable with him when he does but outside of this I don’t see any need for messaging me. Mostly, it’s not been about the baby at all but even if all I can really say is yeah the baby drank, poo’d and slept .

I understand having contact if it was about school or appointments and it was keeping him in the loop but none of this applies and if I’m quite frank I suspect this is more to keep an eye on what I’m up to. If history is anything to go by, he won’t stick around long anyway which is a real shame for our child.

Ex and I message between contact but almost always to do with DS, for example DS started back at swimming last week after the holidays and I sent ex a picture and a message along the lines of "DS did well at swimming, practised new strokes" blah blah. That kind of thing.

We're friendly and amicable though and when he picks up DS we usually have a quick chat about general stuff.

I’m pretty amicable with my ex and we chat a couple of times a week but in your circumstances I’m not sure it’s nescessary.

@Userwhatevernumber Thanks! Went to court a few years ago so evidently things have changed. My comment wasn't meant to be wanky - just figured that if OP Googled "visitation" she'd get loads of irrelevant American information. I'm not sure why people have perceived that as wanky. I was trying to be helpful, and I'm disappointed people have chosen to be rude in response.