To not want to hang out with in laws

[Lentilbug]

I specifically don't want to hang out my Dh's brothers and their partners more than I have to. I have a cordial relationship with his parents and I visit or invite them over to spend time with our new DD.

We have very different values and lifestyles and while I politely tolerate them I do not enjoy being around them and would not go out of my way to see them. To give a few examples, they frequently prescribe to everyone what they should be doing with their lives - they pressured me to have kids and for a long while would constantly ask me when I was having them.

Their idea of a get together would be to get drunk and coke up or get drunk and bicker with each other. All the men would go off somewhere and the women would hang out talking about girly things like shopping and handbags. The younger brothers are extremely spoiled. They're massive slobs who refuse to clean up after themselves and are constantly financially bailed out by their family due to an inability to be responsible.

They are all joined at the hip in a rather unhealthy way.

Since I had my DD DH's eldest brother and his wife have been lamenting that they wish we were closer to them.

The other night DH received a phone call from his dad who demanded that he "do something" about the situation. This isn't the first time someone in the family has called him up to try and get him to "fix things".

I have attended birthdays and some family events and will make an effort to bring my baby to these gatherings so it's not like we're estranged but what they are asking is for me to "love" them, host them for dinner and join them on every single occasion including holidays.

The last time we went on holidays with BIL and his wife they had a huge fight with each other which made me very uncomfortable.

DH is flustered and said that love is a very big word and told them it's unreasonable to expect me to magically comply with their demands but the in laws won't stop insisting on forcing this weird overly close relationship.

DH is now putting pressure on me to make up with BIL's wife so they would get off his back. I don't even have a problem specifically with the wife but the men seem to think this is why I don't want to see them. I just don't like them all that much and want to do the minimum. AIBU?

Sounds utterly claustrophobic. Its good to have a working relationship with your in laws and go to the major events but the relationship you're describing sounds more like living in Eastenders. Can you move abroad?

What does your DH think about his relationship with his family? Does he want to spend more time with them?

I think you have the right attitude and balance in maintaining a civil relationship. Just keep it polite. You are busy with the baby, work, life etc and that's why you can't see them every two minutes.

I'm very close to my own family, but not to this level and I'd never expect DH to be!!

Oh god, I feel your pain. Thankfully my mil isn't so bad, but we don't spend time with any of them because we're just worlds apart and have literally nothing in common (plus we don't start drinking booze from midday around the kid's, so they can't relate with us apparently because we "never let go").

Have you been really clear with your DH that his DB's wife and you are not the problem? It doesn't sound as if you fell out with each other to me; it sounds rather that the menz have decided it's wimminz antagonism causing the problem!

Why not be upfront with your DH and tell him it's the drug use and arguments that are putting you off his extended family? These are not things you want to be around or have your DD exposed to as normal.

Could you and he make a private plan for coping with the demands of his family? It might include DH clarifying that you haven't in fact fallen out with anyone but felt uncomfortable witnessing a couple falling out with each other; identifying a reasonable number and duration of visits and roughing out an agreement about how DH will conduct himself during visits?

For instance, does he abandon you to the women's group and go off to do drugs with the other men? That would be a deal-breaker for me!

Perhaps the answer lies in DH's own hands and could be as simple as fewer, shorter visits and more attentive behaviour from him. He also needs to be on your side here and not scapegoating you.

His family sound pretty raucous and overwhelming and I suspect he married you to have a nicer life!

Yeah as above just say you have nothing against them but you don't want your DD exposed to people drinking and getting 'coked up.' - I'm pretty easy going about stuff and like close family relationships but I would draw the line at this.

If I were you I'd definitely avoid any drinking situations. That would annoy me. But maybe you could try and suggest other get together? Go to child focused places maybe or places unlikely to include drinking such as crazy golf or zoo. Or at least suggest husband goes to see them more with your dd but not in drinking situations.

Fatted

DH loves them of course and didn't really see anything wrong with them until I came along and pointed out all the weird stuff they do. He doesn't go out of his way to see them though because we've all got busy lives but I feel like the fam think that I’m the cause. Now that we have a baby they are once more catastrophising about how we will all grow apart and our kids won’t be close and they’re soooo sad I don’t like them etc etc.

Let’s just say I don’t hate them because they’ve never treated me badly and really just want to include me in everything but I find it hard to like them because we’re just different. It’s unlikely we are all going to be mates and get together every weekend.

Word got round that I wasn’t into the drug use or the fighting so I was told that all that has stopped now but it doesn’t really address the fact that we just don’t click.

Not to drip feed but another bizarre thing they did was get BIL’s wife’s high school-aged sister to go out with one of the other BILs. BIL would actively encourage his younger bro to get the girl pregnant and FIL would talk about how he saw his son “knock the girl off”. It is just super disgusting and no one ever says anything.

I could go on but I think you’d get the gist that I would never fit in with this bunch nor do i want to.

The thing is you don't really need to see people a lot to be close to them. My BIL and SIL have always lived hundreds of miles away from us with their families but I would say I am close to them both. We all have the same values and accept any differences. There has never been anything forced in terms of our relationships. That's how it should be. You can't make someone like or love another person. You are right to maintain your distance OP if your ILs are not people you wish to see regularly and maintain a close relationship with.

Oh and when I contemplated moving overseas aloud one of the other brothers took great umbrage and said that DH owed it to them to explain why he would ever do such a thing because it was disrespectful to move without consulting the family first.

I literally have to be in a state of denial to ignore all the annoying behaviour so I can continue to tolerate them. It is ridiculously frustrating.

I reckon they’re feeling judged even though you’ve not been overly obnoxious about their behaviour. I don’t blame you judging them though! They all sound enmeshed.

Is your surname Mitchell?!

they sound like a bunch of inbreds tbh

They sound horrible. YANBU

Have you been really clear with your DH that his DB's wife and you are not the problem?

My mother used to say 'One tale's good until another one's told', it may be that the in-laws don't like her attitude, they may consider her stand-offish and superior. Not defending them or criticising her but these posts are always only one person's interpretation. We have different natures, I wouldn't like to spend much time with the few in-laws I have and they probably feel the same!

StCharlotte- either that or Shelby?

Sorry OP that sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I can't be doing with people like that, I'm all for a quiet life and I hate confrontation too.
Don't really know what to suggest considering your DH likes his family.

StCharlotte
BellatrixLeStrangest

Neither of those is my name. I'm aghast that there are more people like my ILs out there.

Useful to read these comments to know I'm not going out of my bloody mind

52Lentilbug

BellatrixLeStrangest and I were referring to the Mitchells in Eastenders and the Shelbys in Peaky Blinders

What ghastly people. Sounds like your judgement is absolutely spot on, OP. Keep your distance as you have been and ignore the hot air.

It all sounds very incestuous and I would run a mile from any event where they would all be present. Your husband sounds weak, buying into the bullshit about you and the other wife, just to keep the peace. Fuck that.

Oh of course. DH loves Peaky Blinders. He strongly relates to the sibling bond

Be honest with your dh and tell him exactly how you feel about his family and tell him that the more he/they push this the less inclined you feel to engage with them.

Stop going to family events completly disengage from them. They clearly don't care about you or your feelings so why do you care what they want? If your dh wants a relationship with his family that's on him and you do not need to be involved. I would also keep your DC away from them. Do you really want your DC growing up with their morals do you?

I can't exactly go up to him and say " hey DH I can't stand your family. Your dad and brothers are sexist and elitist. You all live in each other's pockets and you treat your women like incubators and I would really rather have nothing to do with them."

They treat me as an equal because I demand it but I can't ignore some of the other problematic behaviour. Every time I show up and someone does something idiotic I am the only one saying or doing anything. One of the brothers accelerated his car at his girlfriend and laughed when she squealed and jumped into a bush. I was so furious but no one else seems to think it was a problem. I demanded DH tell his brother it was not on and the brother left! Apparently I was the bad one for bringing it up.

I think I will just quietly try to phase them out and attend the minimum until they give up and learn they can't control women. God I can't stand them.

Op you are definitely not b u. I think phasing then out is your best bet.

If you do want to move that’s your choice not the family choice. Unless you’re living in 1950s Sicily and you’re going to wake up with a horses head on your pillow! The do sound like a soap family or the mafia!!

I would tell your partner, and them, that there is no situation to ‘fix’ - you simply don’t want to spend all your time and every holiday with them. Explain it’s not a snub, but you’re all busy people and surely everyone needs some time to themselves.

(Then go out for the day with a sympathetic friend and unload to her/him about how beyond batshit this lot are.)