Aibu partners work shifts

[StinkyWizleteets]

I’m prepared to accept I am partly unreasonable here.

My partner works for the nhs in emergency theatres. His shifts are 3x 12.5 hour shifts a week with one in four weeks being 4x 12.5 hour shifts. We knew when he started his job these were the kinds of hours he’d be working (this is where I accept I am probably unreasonable complaining) he leaves the house at 6am and doesn’t get home until almost 9pm due to public transport issues.

The problem is that his shifts days change every week with no regular days on or off and his off duty is only published a maximum of two weeks before the start of the next month. This makes planning anything in my own or family life near impossible.

We have two kids and I’m starting a 9-530 dream job but shit wages. The biggest problem is childcare. Understandably no nursery or after school club is willing to be flexible with the days the kids are in at such short notice. They need fixed days/times and notice to change them. I can’t afford putting them in 5 days a week to accommodate his changing shifts when we know he’ll be off 3-4days a week. His hours are so out with the realm of available childcare that I am the only one available for pick up and drop off, restricting what I can do with my job.

I won’t even start on lack of social life because I can’t plan for events far in advance. We need his annual leave for school holiday coverage. We have no family available to help out (too old/ill/far away)

It makes no sense to me to have everyone changing their weekly work days every week and not to find out until just before the month begins. Even doing three months in advance would make more sense for planning life, social and medical events

I asked him to speak to whomever makes up the rota to request more regular days for working (even if every weekend) or more notice but he says I’m being unreasonable. I don’t think I am. No one else in his theatre has a young family.

AIBU?

He can apply for flexible working. I did this after my last mat leave and got some set days off. It’s actually very common. There should be a policy on his intranet.

They don’t HAVE to approve it but it’s worth a try.

My dh and I both had to leave similar shift jobs once childcare became an issue. Life is better now but the public sector lose a lot of talent due to not being family friendly.

I work for the NHS and always have had set hours since having my first 9 years ago. I know a few people in theatres and they have a set pattern. Tell him to put in a flexible working request, that is all you can do in the situation. I never had one completely refused, I have compromised with 'this pattern doesnt work for us could do xyz instead' but they are very good in my hospital. I've also changed jobs within the same trust and still had no problems with changing hours. It's not unreasonable to be annoyed given that rotas should be out 6 weeks in advance and they just aren't, rotas get changed sometimes without consent, the system isnt great in that respect.

Have you asked nurseries about flexible days - I know it's rare but my nursery does flexible days.

The situation with his rota is shit. But YABU. You knew the situation when he took the job. From the sounds of it, it is your job which has now changed meaning the change in child care needs.

When you're both working, if one does long hours/shift work the other has to be able to work around that. When we had DS1 I was the higher wage earner and I worked shifts. DH had to work Monday to Friday otherwise there was no one to look after DC on the weekend. After we had DS2, DH got promoted and I got redeployed. He is now the higher earner and works 7-5 with days at the weekend now. I initially had to work evenings around his hours and now I work Monday to Friday flexi time. So I can drop off the kids at school but I need after school care. It is not my dream job by any means but it is local and has flexibility which is what I need right now.

In my experience I don't think there is room for both parents to be working in shift work or long hours jobs unless you can afford 24/7 childcare. Even then you need flexibility to allow for times when the kids are sick, school holidays etc. You need one of you in a more supporting role if the other is all over place.

Nature of the NHS I'm afraid. I know my shifts 5 weeks in advance atm but there has been many occasions where it's been only 2.

Is your DH requesting his shifts? He's not guaranteed to get what he asks for, but I'd say I get around 90% of what I request.

He really needs to look at the policies in his Trust.

He could apply using the family friendly policy and ask for a set shift once a week for example.

There is very probably a policy that the off duty should be published 6 or 8 weeks in advance, if this isn't being adhered to then he could raise a grievance.

Alternatively he could look for a new role with day case or similar, but bear in mind he'll lose all of his shift allowances.

I know a number of people who work permanent nights or weekends in order to free the rest of the week up for childcare - it's fairly miserable, but depending on where you are and what exact role your partner does he may actually be better rested from a week of quiet night shifts than 4 days of hectic workload.

Are there any childcare places at the hospital that fit in with his shift patterns?

I work in theatres in the NHS too. The shifts are shit. The organisation of said shifts too, often. The sickness levels are high and so is staff turnover. Managers don't have any interest in figuring out why. They're content to just have a rolling job advert!

Pisses me off more than you can imagine. I'd hoped to get promotion and start trying to work on it from the other side, sadly my own disability and related sickness means that will never happen in my Trust.

After returning from mat leave I was insistent on set days. I would have left if I hadn't got it. My time with dd was more precious to me than that specific role. I was in a fortunate position to be able to do that.

You partner can apply for a flexible working agreement, request set days or a set pattern of flexible days. The department leader doesn't have to agree but they legally have to consider it.

His Trust should have a policy on the rota and how far in advance it should be issued. Ours is 6 weeks. We had times in the past when people didn't know on Friday what they were supposed to be doing Monday though.

You both need to sit down and discuss a way forward. Yes you both agreed to the terms of his role when he applied for it, but if it no longer works for you going forward, then something has to change. Whether that's you can't get the dream job, or he needs to apply for a change, or even another role himself too, but it needs to be a discussion rather than you just have to sort out childcare yourself. You're a partnership with joint responsibility.

There are childminders round me who will take shift workers, and are flexible. I think they can do it because they have several families all wanting flexibility. It might be worth investigating?
If it doesn't mean you are worse off each month (or even if you are worse off, but it is affordable!), please take the job.

It's not just the NHS. I work in a nursing home and this is normal for us too. I think it's probably normal in any job that isn't 9-5. I couldn't take this job until MIL retired. Before that I could only work school hours.

that doesn’t mean the system in which nhs staff are expected to work is reasonable and that was what my question was about

Well, that actually wasn't what you asked, though.

Your AIBU question at the end was specifically asking if your husband should be able to ask to do more regular days on the grounds that he is the only one with a young family. You didn't ask if the NHS shift system was unreasonable, you asked if you were being unreasonable to expect your husband to be offered a different shift system to others because he happens to have a young family.

YANBU at all to think that certain types of shift system can be really difficult for employees (whether they have a family or not).

YABU, though, to think that your partner should be able to request more regular shifts just because he has a young family and others don't - people who don't have young kids shouldn't have to do more of the irregular/awkward/last-minute shifts just because their family situation is different.

Ultimately, could he look for a different type of role if things are unlikely to change? My friend and her husband are both nurses and her husband recently took a different type of nursing role because it meant he would be working regular day shifts rather than working to a changing rota. I appreciate that he might like his current job, but it sounds like something's got to give and I don't think that something is likely to be the hospital's shift system, unfortunately.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, and surely it won't hurt for him to request certain days off so you can plan childcare? Obviously they can say no but as everyone else in the department is used to being flexible, where's the harm in asking?

On the other side of this, I LOVE shift work. We have a request system which is almost always granted so you have the days you need off granted. You can always swap with other staff, so if something comes up you can generally still be off if you need to be.

But my absolute favourite thing about shift work is that I can take a week off (a full 7 days) without using a days annual leave. Simply work Mon-Wed one week and then not until Thur/Fri the next week. And when I do use annual leave for a holiday, i can stretch 1 weeks annual leave to 2 weeks off with rest days. My job is really hard and I get tired, I honestly would leave without the 'perks' of changing shifts. So it's not necessarily the case that the difference in days turn people away, I know several people who enjoy it for these reasons.