MIL ruined DD bday surprise

[jaggynettle]

DD has spent the afternoon with MIL. It's DDs 8th birthday at the weekend and MIL took DD out to choose a toy for her birthday- all good so far, sounds lovely.

DD pointed out a LOL doll, but MIL said "oh Mum and Dad have bought that for you"

AIBU to think that MIL could have swerved the topic and kept the surprise? Part of me thinks she was probably put on the spot and possibly couldn't think of what to say, but I feel a bit deflated as now DD knows ahead of her bday what her present is.

First world problems eh?

Believe it or not but people do make genuine mistakes and this sounds like one, same as me talking to a friend at the pub about Poldark a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned the hanging, she wasn't so far on watching it!

It sounds like it wasn't deliberate so it's just one of those things. It's a shame though, it's crap when you're excited about giving a present and the surprise is ruined. Your DD will still love her doll though and that's the main thing.

Ah, let this one go OP. So lovey of your MIL to take your daughter shopping!

I sympathise, OP. But on the bright side, people have posted here before about grandparents who have known a child was desperate for something, or to visit or see something, and that the parents had that planned as a birthday or Christmas surprise... and have deliberately bought it themselves in advance, or taken them, with no word to the parents until it's too late. I know this is upsetting but at least she respected the fact that you wanted that to be your gift to your DD this year, and not hers. And the surprise may have gone, but your DD will still be so desperate to open it and have it for herself. So there's still plenty of suspense!

Definitely get over it . MIL sounds lovely and how nice of her to take her granddaughter shopping and spending time with her . Be kind because she is probably feeling bad enough about it already !!

next year let MIL take her shopping for her birthday/Xmas AFTER her birthday.

I am sure this was not intended maliciously; and it's not like Christmas where a child might think the presents come from Father Christmas and be disappointed when it's just their parents! It may have been inconsiderate. It really depends on your dd's personality - for some children (and adults) the surprise-aspect is particularly important to their pleasure in a present; for others, the surprise is irrelevant to the enjoyment, or may even be a bit stressful.

Thanks all, Yep I definitely agree that I have been a bit unreasonable 🙈 MIL hasn't acknowledged her slip which I think was what pissed me off.

She's otherwise fab so I can't really complain. At the end of the day it's hardly a major incident. I will do as a pp said - gonna build myself a bridge and get over it 👌

Why should your MIL be the bad guy not buying DD the doll she wanted - given the choice of Mum's bought it or being mean Granny who wont buy it because..."

Besides she had probably already guessed. I used to phone my goddaughter to see what she wanted and she would tell me anything then reel off what her entire family had got already. It was so much easier when she hit 14 and was buying her own clothes so I could just give her money. I didn't half get into trouble when she bought a pair of leather trousers with the money I sent her.

Believe me, even if the surprise has gone she will get even more out of the anticipation of getting the thing she really really wants.

@jaggynettle Don't share with her OR anyone else again what you have bought! Easy issue to solve.

@cdtaylornats nah, not trying to paint her as a bad guy at all - DD not the type to kick off in a shop or anything. Just would have been nice for DD to get the "surprise" element. Anyway, am over it now - am sure intention wasn't malicious and have realised my AIBU directed at how it made me feel as opposed to DD who is delighted to be receiving the doll.

@hiphopchick will do. Had shared with MIL to prevent duplication as I knew DD was desp for this particular doll.

@Jux thank you - she's pretty excited right enough

MIL is lovely and am sure she wouldn't have done it on purpose.

Definitely unreasonable in that case. Have you never made a mistake?

It was unintentional, but yanbu to feel deflated.

One year we travelled 450 miles to spend Xmas with pil and young dnephew who lived with them, arriving Xmas eve.

When we got there pil and dh went out to pick up some food and me and dn stayed in the house. We suddenly heard a strange loud noise upstairs, and both went to investigate and found his Xmas big surprise pet hamster running around in its wheel. I wasnt popular that night!!!

Can I ask what a suitable excuse would have been? I'm usually good at thinking on my feet but I'd have been stumped in this situation. If you've said you can choose anything then what can you say? If you say it's too expensive that rules out loads of other things that cost the same that the child might want to choose instead. If you say it's too big that rules out lots of other big things the child might want to choose instead...

Well if MIL has decided to just pretend it didn’t happen (my DM has form for this) I’d take it to her door.

Ring and ask directly ‘Did you tell Sadie we had bought her the LOL doll while you were out shopping with her on tuesday?’

If she admits it without apology, just ask ‘Why did you spoil the surprise?’. Do it without ‘a tone’, as if you’re just confused and can’t quite believe it.

People in this situation need to be made to ‘feel the awkward’ or they’ll just do it again. Whether it was carelessness or malicious.

All these people saying ‘Oh Bless, I do that sort of thing all the time, I’m such a muddle-head’ really need to take responsibility and up their game.

My mum used to do that with my DCs and 'couldn't see what the problem is'. I stopped telling her what presents I'd bought, and stonewalled any attempts at discussion. Problem solved, I couldn't be asked to get into the whys and wherefores of a stupid attitude such as hers.

@traineepro, I'd probably say something along the lines of, "Isn't that what you asked your parents for? What if they got it for you?" That way the surprise isn't ruined, and she can still get something nice.

Good thing is, lol has surprises within the surprise. Could also be worse - my mum buys the more expensive version of kids main gift or more than one. Eg. We get them a PlayStation between them and she gets them one each and a wide screen telly for her house. I get big lol doll case she gets the bigger one AND some other sets. Mil is great and asks us what to get

That's a good idea modzy78. So long as the child has actually asked for it but it sounds like she has here.

@jaggynettle No I'd be hopping mad and would've asked her to leave the house/hung up/walked out or else I'd have said something really nasty to her.

You do not need to 'get over it' what the HELL was she thinking?? It doesn't take much to know that you do not tell anybody what they are GETTING for their present before they get it. She's ruined that moment - not just for you but for your daughter. She's now lost that exciting wonderment the night before her birthday; "will I get that Doll or won't I?!" which when you're a kid, is precious. As soon as she's a teenager that'll begin to fade. I look back on the excitement of the night before birthday & Christmas with fondness. She's ruined it for her :(

ProhibitedRodent that’s just a bit over-dramatic, nothing’s been ruined for the child, she knows a few days in advance what she’s getting for her birthday and since it’s exactly what she wanted she’s probably pretty stoked. Really, she’s hardly going to need therapy for this in adulthood, let’s have some proportion here.

MIL was put on the spot and didn’t think fast enough on her feet to avoid blurting out the secret, hardly the worst MIL offense I’ve read around here. OP says she’s otherwise lovely so it clearly wasn’t malicious. For all those saying they’d never share what they were getting, if OP hadn’t told MIL what she’d got,, MIL would probably have bought it when the child asked for that very thing and if there’s something much worse than a prematurely spoiled surprise for a child, it’s getting the same thing twice.

At that age my DD searched the house found her gift and unknown to me told all her mates, she was beyond giddy on the morning .