To think my parents would have been more involved when I had children?

[autumnleaves99]

So I'm the younger sister of two, my older sister got married and had 3 kids and lives a short flight away. My parents were so pleased when she had children, flew over there pretty often, and now the kids are a little bit older, my parents will go over for a week at a time, and usually keep the 3 kids themselves for 1 or 2 nights in that time, letting my sister and her DH get a weekend away just themselves, which I think is great.

I don't think anyone ever thought I'd get married and have kids. I never really had a proper boyfriend during my 20's then had an awful partner in my early 30's (unfortunately it took me a couple of years to realise that), but then I did meet an amazing guy (who I know my parents think is great) and we married and now have 2 toddlers.

I guess I just assumed my parents would act the same way with me and my kids as they do with my sister, in fact I thought it would all be a bit easier as I live closer, and now work part time, so we could easily organise a meet up at short notice.

But they seriously don't seem to be interested, which is starting to really upset me. My sister and kids came here for 2 weeks in the summer, mum and dad saw them every day, then mum and dad flew back over to their place as they felt my sister and her DH needed some time away themselves. My parents have been back home a couple of weeks now and I've tried to organise meeting up but keep getting told they're too tired after being away, despite being out every day with their friends/hobbies etc. I haven't seen them in a couple of months now!

They have never offered to babysit, let alone suggest me and DH could get a night away ourselves, which we've never done since our kids were born. It's just really getting to me now, and I can't think of any reason why they'd be like this, we've always got on fine, my children are usually relatively well behaved and both generally sleep through the night (although I do realise they're toddlers and can be tiring). Anyone else have this? I don't feel as if I can say anything, but it's starting to get to me and I don't know what to do about it.

I think there's two issues here: one is your assumption that they owe you a degree of childcare. The reality is they don't. It's their prerogative. It's reasonable for you to ask them to help you out from time to time but I don't think you should be building plans on the assumption that they will help you. They've done that part of their lives and they may not want to do this any more. Childcare from parents is a bonus, not a birthright. Be grateful you have any: my mum's dead and no one else in my family ever gives me any free childcare of any kind. I have to pay a babysitter to set foot outside my house.

The second issue is that you perceive them to be giving more attention to your sister's family than yours. Hard to know if this is true or just perception. It sounds from your post as if you live fairly local to them but you have to fly to visit your sister. In which case they may subconsciously feel that they have to make more effort to see her family. Have you felt favouritism towards her prior to this?

My sibling lives a flight away but doesn’t have children. Parents do the international visit for at least a week and often two a year.

I live nearby (day trip but not “pop round to each other’s houses” distance). I can count on one hand the number of times they have made an effort to just see us (rather than tagging it on to something else) in the seven years I’ve had children.

My grandparents would visit my cousins in Canada for the entire summer holidays. Visited us once every couple of years for about three days at a time.

I will not be such an arse.

Is age/ infirmity an issue? I know my own DM, only in her late sixties, has far less energy than 10 years ago. And that’s understandable.

Do you think that your parents thought that your sister’s children would be the only grandchildren and worked hard to develop a bond with them, and now they are older and struggling to do so again?

Having said all that, YANBU to be upset and confused by this and I am sure I would do. Do you have the sort of relationship with your parents where you could ask them?

You could meet them for lunch, without children, and chat to them, - tell them how you feel. Would they be able or willing to communicate about such things do you think?

I do feel for you and wish you well. 🤞

@thepeopleversuswork I definitely don't think they owe us any childcare at all, we have sorted out our own childcare arrangements now that I'm back to work and I don't ask them for help with childcare at all ( well I've maybe asked once or twice to keep the kids for an hour or two but that's it!). I think it's the fact they tell me that my sister and her DH need time away themselves and they go over to babysit so that can happen, that makes me upset. I'd love to have that, even just one night a year, but it never gets offered and I don't feel I can ask.

Maybe you should ask? Next time they te you about giving your sister some time ask them if they would consider doing the same for you?

I agree it sounds unfair. Was your sister generally closer to them before? As the nearby child the caring responsibilities will obviously fall on you as they age. If they are as unhelpful as you say it might be worth making a mental note of that!

Weird. How much older are they now?

Are your kids particularly hard work?

Seems very unbalanced. Have you ever raised it with them?

I would be so sad if this was my situation op! It’s nothing to do with you expecting anything from them but the balance between you. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could gently bring it up? To me it would be less about what they can provide and more about feeling second best. Big hugs xx

Doesnt sound like you will lose anything by asking them directly about it. It does look unfair and frankly odd as to why they treat you and your dsis and the gc differently. But you will have to ask them why x

They are older now

Still I get this must be tough for you. Could you talk to them how this makes you feel?

Another random question, do you have very strong beliefs about parenting style?

I know my parents could not cope with SILs baby-led weaning (as they struggle to pick up all the debris from the floor with arthritic knees) for example

They are older now, maybe they cant deal with toddlers now and they will take your kids more when they are bigger? My sibling lives far and my parents definitely make more of an effort to visit them than they do me who's 5 minutes away. I think its because I can pop in whenever. They do take my kids though, well the older one.

It could be a kids age thing or even a gender thing. Like they had two girls and don't know what to do with your boys, ( but that is me making assumptions on the sex of the grandchildren.)

But I know what you mean my MIL goes twice a year to see her other grandchildren aboard, she stays 6 weeks and then 4 weeks. She skypes and send presents. She doesn't come over to ours ever (45 mins away.) I think this is in part to do with the grandchildren abroad meaning it's a special trip and making time normally just never happens for us. Also for us the aboard Grandchildren are girls, MIL was desperate for a girl and had 3 boys then finally a girl who is a total Tom boy ! Our DC is a boy and younger and I think the grandchildren novelty has worn off. I could be wrong, but I think this has a lot to do with it.

Goldenchild/scapegoat?

Don't be doing them any major favours or falling over yourself and turning your family life on it's head to accommodate them when it comes time for aged caring. They've set the tone, consider yourself off the hook.

I know it hurts. Let yourself grieve the relationship you wanted.