Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad’s inquest

31 replies

StickyTick · 12/09/2019 13:18

AIBU because I can’t decide whether to attend my dad’s inquest? At 76 he was found on the floor, with a high amount of alcohol in his blood. it was this that killed him, not his heart and lung conditions or his liver cancer.
He has drunk heavily all my life with inevitable consequences for our relationship. But, because “technically” the coroner says that the level of alcohol is not a good enough explanation for his death, they have by law to hold an inquest.

My relationship with my dad was strained. But we did love each other.
The inquest will mean a miserable 2 night stay in a b&b away from my children, probably by myself, as I doubt anyone else - including my sister - will go.

We’ve not told anyone about the inquest. And, we certainly don’t want his crowds of friends from his local pub there. He would have hated that.

As this is an inquest triggered by the system, is there any point me attending? Will I regret it later if I don’t go? Does a small part of me want to go because of the drama/closure?

Anyone have advice as to whether an inquest under such circumstances will be a “valuable” necessity for me or, is this just bureaucratic box-ticking?
TIA

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 12/09/2019 13:20

Can you not request the findings without attending the inquest

feliciabirthgiver · 12/09/2019 13:23

It's absolutely fine for you not to go to the inquest, like you say it is a formality and not a reflection of how much you loved him. Sorry for your loss Thanks

Thankyouplease · 12/09/2019 13:24

I attended my Dads inquest earlier this year. There was absolutely no drama. The staff at the coroners court were brilliant, they explained everything in a very easy to understand way. The coroners court is there to find facts and that’s all they will be doing for you and your dad. It’s basically a case of who died, where they died and how they died. It’s worth remember that anyone can attend an inquest and that includes the press as well as family/friends. The court listings are published online for anyone to see so that they may attend. I’m not sure why your dads inquest will take a two night stay though, the court sitting usually takes an hour or two depending on witnesses and or statement that need to be read.

spongedog · 12/09/2019 13:27

My dad died in hospital. He was ill but not expected to die. SO there had to be an inquest. We were very much told it was a formality and we were under no obligation to attend. So we didnt. I havent regretted that decision at all.

Do you feel you should go?

PuzzledObserver · 12/09/2019 13:28

I agree with PP who said can’t you find out the outcome without being there. But only you can answer the question of whether you’ll regret it if you’re not.

Herocomplex · 12/09/2019 13:28

Sorry about your Dad, that sounds really difficult. Its such a personal decision.

It sounds like a long way to go to be upset though. 💐

longearedbat · 12/09/2019 13:30

Our family didn't go to my father's inquest. He died as a result of a fall and we knew exactly what had happened, so there didn't seem to be much point. It was really only a box ticking exercise for the authorities. We were sent a full report of the inquest and findings afterwards.
Having read the report, I was glad I was doing so in private. I think I would have found it very upsetting to have listened to it in an open court. There was a lot of medical detail which was rather horrific.
My father was a loved (and old and frail) widower. It was bad enough sitting by his bedside (he died 10 days after the fall), I really wanted to forget about that side of it. His funeral had long passed by the time the inquest took place.

Rock4please · 12/09/2019 13:32

Absolutely no need to go at all. I really wouldn't in your position.

Ohyesiam · 12/09/2019 13:32

It’s a formality.
You sound like you know in your heart that it was the alcohol that killed him. No mystery, no loose ends to tie up, so let yourself off going.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I know it’s hard to let go of a complicated relationship( harder in my experience than a more peaceful straightforward loving one). But you can get your closure quietly, at your own pace , in your own way.
No one is going to hand you closure on a plate at the inquest.

As I say, sorry for your lossFlowers

Original poster
StickyTick · 12/09/2019 13:46

Thank you for explaining things. Smile The inquest is being held over 200 miles away, middday. It would need to be a one night stay at least, to make sure I arrived in time, and I just wasn’t sure whether I would feel like driving back around the M25 etc in rush hour afterwards, after something that will probably be triggering/exhausting?

OP posts:
81Byerley · 12/09/2019 13:49

I didn't even think about attending my Mum's inquest. Her funeral was more important.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/09/2019 13:52

@32Ohyesiam

"You sound like you know in your heart that it was the alcohol that killed him. No mystery, no loose ends to tie up, so let yourself off going."
Well I think think that if "the coroner says that the level of alcohol is not a good enough explanation for his death" that the coroner knows better than the OP.

OP, you sound like you don't want to go and that is fine. I personally would want to go for closure but there is nothing wrong with not going if you don't want to. It definitely doesn't mean you love your dad any less.

Juells · 12/09/2019 13:55

Give yourself a pass. Flowers

ShippingNews · 12/09/2019 13:56

My Mum had an inquest because her cause of death was unknown and she hadn't seen a doctor for years so there was no history available. None of us went - it was purely a formality . You don't have to attend your Dad's, its not necessary.

Original poster
StickyTick · 12/09/2019 13:57

Thank you for everyone’s lovely replies. I really appreciate your thoughtful comments, and condolences. Dad died early June, so the inquest date has come back quite quickly, and it’s still a bit raw. I know the inquest is public so anyone can go, I just don’t think ... unlike the funeral, which was announced in his local pub, and attracted about 100, that I want to actively be seen to get friends coming along.

I feel that writing up my question and going over these answers has helped me decide NOT to go.
For which I am very grateful to you xx

OP posts:
BishopofBathandWells · 12/09/2019 13:58

I don't think I would go. I think there could be potentially quite upsetting information that I'd rather take in from a report than in front of strangers in a coroner's Court. Stay home, spend the time with your children, and be kind to yourself. I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks

NoodleNooNoo · 12/09/2019 14:08

Hi Op, I am an inquest lawyer. Inquests happen where the death is sudden, or unexplained. The purpose is to answer 4 questions:

  1. who died
2 where did they day 3 when did they die 4, how did they die - this is usually the medical cause of death but can include the surrounding circumstances. As a family member you can contact the Coroners Office and request disclosure of the available evidence which could include a post mortem report. At the end of the Inquest the Coroner will complete a document called Record of Inquest which will set out the answers to the 4 questions above. All inquests are also audio recorded so you could request a copy of the recording is you wish.

Hope this helps

Original poster
StickyTick · 12/09/2019 14:20

Dear @Ohyesiam, you’ve hit nail on head. I do know in my heart that for someone who drank excessively with a dodgy liver, Dad’s death should be quite easily explained. The coroner did say the inquest might bring up other issues like “why hadn’t he been offered successful AA support,” ... but, I could answer that myself: Because he was very stubborn. he did decide to cut down on spirts in his 50s, But was then convinced that all other forms of alcohol were “moderate,” regardless of quantity, frequency etc. Thank you for being able to reflect back at me my own thoughts, and for ignoring the small nagging doubts I still have, because generally, they are misleading xx

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 12/09/2019 14:26

@idontwanttotalk
The op writes
At 76 he was found on the floor, with a high amount of alcohol in his blood. it was this that killed him, not his heart and lung conditions or his liver cancer.

So from this it’s easy to conclude what she believes killed him.

Liver cancer means a reduced ability to metabolise alcohol, which skews the numbers. The given level of alcohol is not enough on paper to kill an average person, but could for someone with an impaired ability to metabolise it.

It’s not that the coroner “ knows better” , it’s that when there is an anomaly, the coroner has to act on it.
Hence the inquest.

Ohyesiam · 12/09/2019 14:27

Cross posted with you op x

Original poster
StickyTick · 12/09/2019 14:36

Hi @NoodleNooNoo - yes this does help. As a layperson I’m surprised they’re even “wasting” taxpayers’ money on the inquest ... but, I get that this is a necessary formality.
I think that until you witness real life, we tend to think that inquests are sensationalist, and essential to uncover mysteries. There wasn’t much mysterious about my dad’s general health ... There were some gaps in the way different NHS funds dealt with things over the last 3 years, but the coroner said that that would be a matter for me to write letters to the relevant NHS Trusts, and wouldn’t come in the inquest scope. (& writing letters to the NHS is not something I’m planning on doing). I could possibly argue that it’s a shame that the authorities didn’t realise that Dad was a stroppy old man with autism (cos it wasn’t diagnosed back in his day) ...
But, I get the impression that this inquest system isn’t wanting to deal in tangents ... ??
Thank you for your time.

OP posts:
NCC1701D · 12/09/2019 14:36

We attended our dad's inquest, similar circumstances to you OP and longearedbat.

The coroner was very sympathetic and at the end of the day, I was glad we went, as it gave us closure.

It's entirely your decision and you have to go with your feelings. But should you decide to go, in my experience, the coroner will try his or her best to make the process as easy as possible for you.

Newschapter · 12/09/2019 16:36

@StickyTick

In my former job I covered inquests for a local paper.

Usually there wasn't "a lot of friends from the local pub" but only family members or eyewitnesses (in the case of a road accident for example)

I think if it were me, I wouldn't go, but wanted to reassure you that if you do go, it's all handled with incredible sensitivity.

The coroner always began the inquest by sympathising with the family and letting them have a moment before she started, as the witnesses were called she would check that the family were holding up OK and on one occasion when I was very unprofessional and cried myself (a baby's sudden death involving furniture) she nodded at me and said it was very emotional for everyone involved, including her, so we'd take a short break - I always respected her for that.

I'm sorry for you loss. I have no relationship with my father so I appreciate you feel torn.

KurriKurri · 12/09/2019 16:45

My BIL had to go to his father's inquest and he found it very upsetting (he was a witness so had to attend). I think if you feel it would be upsetting for you then don't go if you don't have to. You can get hold of the findings afterwards, and the funeral is the time for you to say your farewells, the time for you to get closure. An inquest is just a procedural legal formality.

RosaWaiting · 12/09/2019 16:48

Post mortems and inquests do seem to be increasing

Anyway....I see you’ve already decided but I completely understand that you wouldn’t go.