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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is he an abusive idiot

8 replies

namechangeneedhelpnow · 12/09/2019 09:37

Me and my partner have been together two years and I sometimes struggle to understand him. He seems go between being lovely and wants to see me constantly, to then having no interest in me. We did live together, but I moved out six months ago and we have tried to fix things, he's proposed to me and begged me to start trying for a baby, but I think this may be his trap. This weekend coming up he's made no time to see me at all and when I questioned this he basically told me if I didn't like it to fuck off out of his life. It resulted in a big argument and I said I was done. As soon as I tell him I've had enough he does everything to draw me back in. It's a constant push and pull and if I ever question his behaviour towards me he tells me to fuck off and we are done. No arguments really ever get resolved and he has no ability to see things from my point of view. He's like Jekyll and hyde, I never know what i'm going to get, but when he is kind he's the perfect partner, but it doesn't last. I find myself so drawn to him and unable to break it off, but I just know this isn't healthy in the long run. The problem is it me or is it him, sometimes I wonder if the way he acts is my fault and I should just keep silent.

OP posts:
CleopatraTomato · 12/09/2019 09:44

It's him, not you.
And anyway you say yourself it is not healthy so I'd leave now and find someone who is right for you

dollydaydream114 · 12/09/2019 09:45

It’s not your fault. Either he is messing with your head or you are just not compatible at all, clearly, so you need to end this relationship.

Anonymous001 · 12/09/2019 09:46

I was involved with someone who behaved like this too and they personally had commitment issues but this sounds like something else. YANBU.

bridgetreilly · 12/09/2019 09:49

It's not you, it's him. Or at the very least, it's him-in-a-relationship-with-you. This is never going to be good. Leave sooner not later.

AnyOldPrion · 12/09/2019 09:49

Don’t waste any more time. He only wants you when you don’t want him and he’s pressuring you to commit when things are unstable.

Do not have a child with him. Once you are tied to him, there’s a risk he’ll become worse - very common pattern of abuse.

You’re better off with nobody than with someone you can’t trust.

namechangeneedhelpnow · 12/09/2019 09:54

I really do believe he's messing with my head at times on purpose. I did get pregnant a few months ago, but unfortunately had a miscarriage. I was really upset, but he told me he had his own stuff going on and that I had to be responsible for myself and look after myself without his help, like he was looking after himself. I really needed support and I had none. I just don't know why I find it so hard to leave him for good.

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 12/09/2019 10:03

I just don't know why I find it so hard to leave him for good.

It’s because when he’s in his good phase, he probably seems like your perfect match. But it’s all smoke and mirrors. He’s like that for only as long as he feels like it.

It’s not you. Making you feel like it might be your fault is another game abusers play.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/09/2019 10:06

Life is far too short for this crap.

Do you want to spend the next 10 years of your life being 'pushed and pulled' around by him? Do NOT get pregnant; it'll get even worse with a child involved.

I find myself so drawn to him

Christ knows why; very sorry about your MC but he acted like an absolute bastard about it. Up your boundaries. Maybe look into counselling to help you leave? (Not to help you stay!)

You really do deserve better.

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