Food guilt

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Trying to give up the diet mindset after years of full blown eating disorders and disordered eating.

I’m on a weeks annual leave so inevitably have eaten more than usual with socialising and things.

Came to a head last night where I ended up being sick because I couldn’t handle it. Now feel awful because I have awkward evening plans which in all likelihood will lead to snacks and then a drive through so a high calorie evening but I’m on a date so don’t want to kick up a fuss about food as it’s too soon to unleash my issues.

Meant to be going for dinner and drinks with a friend tomorrow and a meal out at the weekend to celebrate starting my dream job on Monday.

The guilt is crippling and I don’t feel like I can eat today.
I’m having so many irrational fears like I’ll get too heavy to ride my horse.

I’m at the higher end of my BMI and above my comfort zone weight wise but I am quite fit and I’ve been trying to get back to my comfort zone (about a stone) for a year and all it results in is my head getting more messed up.

I can’t afford therapy and the NHS is useless for this.

I guess my aibu is will this ever go away? This has been in my life with varying degrees of intensity for 18 years and I’m so done with it.

Couldn’t read and run but don’t really have any advice

Physical disorders can exist for life so I assume mental disorders can too. I guess you need to find a way to manage it but I have no tips on how to do that unfortunately.

It most likely won't go away on it's own.

I understand that therapy is expensive, but honestly I think it is something you need to prioritise and find a way. There are charities and discounts etc, have you looked into what may be available in your area?

You can't think yourself out of a problem when the problem is that your thinking isn't working properly. Getting help to manage this, and develop coping mechanisms so you can have your life back is the least you deserve because you deserve to live a happy and full life.