We've had a rough few years. I personally think he's had a hard time adjusting to fatherhood. He would disagree. He's a great dad but I think its a shock to him that he is expected to be considerate of his time now. Previously he done what he liked and didn't consider me in his plans so this is a big change for him. Anyway he has been bad tempered, moody, tried to gaslight me, always having wee digs and just generally been unsupportive since the baby was born 2 years ago. Iv tried to discuss it with him but I didn't actually realise what the problem was until a few months ago. I was oblivious to their being bigger issues and just thought we were having normal fights, he isn't very good at vocalising his issues and never wants to chat about anything. Things would be ok for a while then drastically take a turn. I arranged a few date days for us (we struggle for a babysitter so this was a big deal) he turned me down in favour of going out with a friend. He left me at Christmas and said he didn't want this anymore, leaving me at my mums where we spent Xmas and he went home on his own. I put him out the house last year for a week but he complained he had nowhere to go (doesn't speak to his family) and when he returned he had a go at me as he had no money. We have separate bank accounts. He has had issues with me bringing in a bigger wage as I worked so much overtime then didn't share it with him - the money was put aside as spending money for a holiday he booked and also paid for Xmas/birthdays. He never pays for presents for anyone or buys the toddler anything. He pays half the bills and puts petrol in the car. The rest is on me. He has accused me of prioritising work over family but encourages me to work OT as we need the money. He says I moan and nag all the time but admits he doesn't do very much cleaning or to a decent standard when he does. Iv asked him countless times to come and sit and talk when things have been really bad and he has refused. He once did talk by wouldn't sit down and stood instead with his arms folded and a scowl on his face. I feel like he's a teenager while I'm trying to have a nice marriage and the two don't go. Iv always been the one to initiate a conversation to get us back on track and when I can see he's making a slight effort I soften and let him brush things aside instead of talking about them. His favourite thing to do.
A few months ago I literally begged him to tell me why he was in a mood and the look in his eyes was of hate. I got on the first flight to my mums with the toddler and stayed there for over a week. He barely contacted me. He came over to visit the toddler and when I done the drop off he asked me to come out for the day as well, said no you spend the day but he didn't have a car so asked if I could drive them. He made small talk and it ended with us being 'back together' but he made no apology, no promises and whilst I wasn't looking for any dramatics, he didn't really have his tail between his leg or seem that bothered. Things just carries on as normal.
He accused me of needing counselling when the baby was months old, I was horrified and realise now this was him gaslighting me along with other things he has done. I have since agreed we both need marriage counselling and he admitted that he needs it more as he knows he has issues. I have tried to book it for us several times but he's cancelled and promised things will be great. Well they aren't.
A few weeks ago I could feel things changing again and his attitude, patience and demeanour were off. We had a silly argument about something which ended in him screaming at me that he was so fucking bored of me, you bore the fuck out of me stop talking I can't stand you. This is his go to line when he's ending the marriage altho he's never had the balls to say that. He thinks we should just live in the same house but Iv not to tell him what to do (tidy up his own mess is all I ever ask of him!) so I stopped talking to him. Childish yes but it feels like my only option. I'm refusing to cave and be the one who sorts this mess out again. If he wants to chat I am more than willing. Iv not cooked, shopped or washed his clothes for him. I'm carrying on as normal for the toddler but we're in separate rooms.
So AIBU to not speak? He's not spoken to me either for the record. If he asks to chat I'm fully up for it but I don't want to be the one sorting this mess again coz every time I do it never works and he acts like a stroppy teenager who has been given another chance but doesn't appreciate it. He's quite entitled in all aspects of his life and very stubborn although all these attributes he will try to pin on me, he constantly tries to bring me down and has told me my family think the same of me for years. I gathered the courage to discuss this with my family and they were horrified. My sister said this is mental/emotional abuse and I was so grateful for her confirmation that I'm not this monster he has made me think I am for years. He doesn't speak to his own family for pretty much the same reasons as he isn't speaking to me at the minute. Too much effort and he thinks he's right all the time.
So now he seems to be getting his back up more and more that I'm not communicating. But he is doing more cleaning and looking after the toddler than ever. This won't continue tho, he always does this when we fall out.
What happens from here. Do I keep ignoring him until he wants to have a proper chat? Do I let my marriage fizzle out because of this? Do I have any right to put him out the house? If I could move back with family I would but it's another country, I'd lose my job and want to secure work there first before making that move - which will be a whole new world of pain when he tries to fight me on it.
Sorry for how long this is. I suppose I just wanted it all down. Iv posted lots lately as I'm seriously lonely, confused, Fed up, pissed off, hurt... thanks for reading if you did.