to hate my life?

[Spanckd]

I'm 29, living with parents, ex is an abuser, I have a nearly 1 year old, on 24k a year, facing nearly £800 nursery fees, ex only gives me 50 a week out of his wages as he refuses to pay otherwise, no idea how I will afford to live over the next few years, worried I can't provide a good life for my son, worried I will never recover my shattered confidence. I feel really low and need some positivity to pick myself back up. Can anyone offer any?

Didn’t want to read and run - can you go to CSA for proper payments from your ex for your child? Re positivity- you’ve been able to get out of an abusive situation so definitely feel good about that. It’s a massive step in the right direction and sure your parents are super proud of you for doing so. This is a new normal and starting new point for you and the only way is up. Take it a day at a time and good luck

Have you put your details into entitledto.com to see what help you can get with childcare etc?

I've tried but it doesn't look like it's much. You can't get help with childcare until after you can price you've paid. How am I meant to afford the first month? I hate my ex so much. He's ruined me. I'm a mess. I hate my appearance that i once loved, I feel fat and ugly and tired after having a baby, my emotional self worth is through the floor, I feel like a useless mother, unloveable, just a complete failure. Having a real down day. Sadly that £50 a week is what CSA have ordered he pays. He has a daughter already which gives him a massive discount. Shame it doesn't give me a massive discount on the rest. If I have anothet baby, do I get a huge discount on the first? I'm so sad today

£50 a week is based on a salary of approx. £20K per annum. Does that sound about right OP?

No he earns 30k+ but gets a discount as he has a 7 year old who he contributes £30 a week to.

Be proud that you removed your son from a bad situation. I really hope things improve for you.💐

Understand where your coming from and I feel everything your saying and easy enough for me to say but please don't be offended but from your circumstance when it comes to maintenance for your child you sound like you got a really good deal, normally the way they work is the eldest child is the one who the non residential parent pays the most for it's any children after that are less with child maintenance service, plus a lot of absent parents get orders from cms but never pay it my eldest dd's father is suppose to pay £33 odd a week order from cms he sends £10 a week cms arnt to bothered at least he pays something is what I get off them they so busy chasing parents who won't pay he knows what he's doing and has gotten away with it for years, when it was csa they put an attachment to his earners and I was receiving £115 a week for her they changed to cms and whatever he's done he clearly hiding earnings from them ( he has a very good trade) and then takes it even further and dosent pay what they have said he should, try and look at the good things you have your parents are ok with you staying with them a lot of people don't have parents who can/will help them out, as for the confidence push yourself to get a hobby even if it's a hour a week just for yourself 💐

Interesting how you've just focussed on the finances. The bit that hurts the most is the soul destroying domestic abuse be put me through. £50 a week is not a good deal. Just because someone else has it worse, doesn't mean you had it good. I know it wasnt intention but I don't like it when people play top trumps. I feel like my whole life is in tatters

Sorry you feel that way but I didn't just focus on finances I have nothing to say or offer advice on the abuse and your mental state, besides you asked for positive, sorry I offered advice where I have knowledge and good things where I can see it in your life 💐

You've got rid of the abusive ex. And he's paying something. That's good.
You've got supportive parents. You've got a job. All good.
This has all been very recent. You need time to recover. Take it easy. Things will get better but Rome wasn't built in a day.

Just giving you a hug op as you sound how I feel.

I agree with the others, that you had the courage and gumption to walk away from an abusive relationship and that is so, so good. Be proud of yourself for that.

I would get the rest of this year/ Christmas out of the way and then make some goals for January. Are you entitled to housing? If so get your name down. If living with your parents gets you down, could you rent somewhere from January?

You will feel happiness again but it’s going to take time. One day at a time

This will all become part of your story and help shape you. Yes it's shit now but it will get better.

It's your job to raise your son to be a better man than his father. And you will do this because you are a good mother who wants to do right by him.

You have been brave and left your ex because you know you deserve better

You have a beautiful little boy, who has a mummy that is stronger than she realises and gives herself credit for.
You got him out of that situation, you have supportive parents, you're hurting, give yourself time, remember what you were like before you got together with your ex, remember the young woman and how much fun she was and the things she got up to. Can you reconnect with any friends from when you were younger? Get back into any hobbies?

(Ignore the help shape you comment- that's not quite what I wanted to say. And reading back it sounds patronising.
I meant that this experience will hopefully have made you stronger in the long term and this is what your son will see in you.)

I know you can’t feel this right now but you’ve left him, you have got your son to a safe place and you’re holding down a job - you’re doing fucking amazingly. You’re entitled to a good vent but please don’t lose sight of the fact that you are doing the right things and you should be proud of yourself.

This feeling will pass. You are still recovering and this will take time. Be kind to yourself and as others have said you should be proud you had the strength to walk away from your ex and start again with your beautiful boy. You are not a failure or a terrible mum, you are going through a tough time.

Would you be willing to contact your GP to see if you can access counselling for yourself to talk over your experiences? It may help you to draw a line under your past so you can move on with your life. The £50 deal doesn't sound like very much but focusing on it only makes it harder on you to heal. Its not fair but your ex is not going to change so you have to protect yourself and not let this eat away at your peace of mind. Can you opt for a childminder instead which may be cheaper?
How is your relationship with your parents? Can they help you with some childcare or babysitting once a week to let you do something for yourself?
OP, I wish you all the best and hope tomorrow you feel a bit better about things. Small steps x

I’m half way between telling you to leave while he’s away and go no contact and encouraging you to half fill his shampoo bottle with hair removal cream!

Sorry you're feeling like this OP.

It might be financially tight but try to keep motivated, nursery years are short. You will get the 15 maybe 30 hours then school and wraparound care will be far cheaper. Could your parents help with a day a week. Could you compress your hours and save a days childcare. A lot of employers are flexible now compared to before.

You can do this, one day at a time. x

Tbh, I think you're allowed to feel like everything is shit right now. And in a weird, annoying, twisted way the fact you can feel that is a good thing because it's the start of the healing process from the abuse. None of that could happen while you were still in that situation.

Some of it is trauma, some is grief, some is things being genuinely shit, some of it is your body adjusting to no longer being flooded with adrenaline all the time, and a lot of it will be old feelings it wasn't safe for you to experience while you were trying to survive the abuse finally being felt.

Which means they will start to drain out of your system and leave more space for nicer feelings.

You feel like a failure and your self esteem is shot because he trashed it on purpose as part of the abuse. The voice in your head calling yourself a failure etc sounds like his voice. You can shush him now. His voice will get quieter too. Your anger at the awful things he has done to you shows somewhere inside you do value yourself and know you deserved so much better.

You have done something courageous and incredible. Honestly, getting your child away from that abuser so he can grow up feeling safe is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give him.

You won't feel broken forever. I know you probably won't believe me right now but I'm saying it anyway because it's true.