Do children with SAHMs miss out on nursery benefits?

[omikron]

Is there anything a nursery can offer that a SAHM can't? And vice versa?

Of the people I know (admittedly, all middle class) te children who went to a nursery part-time whilst their parents worked from 9-12 months developed far better social skills, independece and resilience.

It teaches them that they can play, be safe and loved somewhere away from home, and helps them socialise in an environment where they are one of many, i.e. will be expected not to hit/to share, not just indulged endlessly at playgroup by mummy who 'doesn't believe in rules' and thinks their toddler is a prodigy exempt from the usual behavioural expectations.

That said, the children who go to 'forest school' nurseries don't seem to have done as well, no idea why

JoJo - yes of course, but that is still much less frequent than the number of changes of carer a child at nursery will have during a day/year/nursery career.
Of course it's great that children like their nursery carers and bond with them, especially in a small setting. I'm not criticising nursery care. It's just not the same kind of relationship.

No up until the age of 3+ when they can understand being left and are able to socialise.
Before that age they learn much more being at home and feel more secure.

I was always at home. Mine went to a private nursery from the ages of about 2.5 - 3. You could do anything from two mornings a week 9-12 or five mornings. Mine were all generally quite “meh” about going tbh. They had phases were they quite liked it, but if they didn’t fancy it, I didn’t push it, especially on dark winter mornings. However, we did some form of a group every day - “Gymboree”, “Monkey Music”, “Tumbletots”, “Cookie Crumbles” and so on where they made friends. Or there was free play in the church hall where they knew all the kids and the mums could socialise a bit too. After that we did play dates or other activities. I don’t think we ever just sat at home and didn’t see anyone, unless they were ill! When they went to school they didn’t look back.

My 3rd didnt go. We travelled instead. So much better.

Depends on the dc and sahp.

My friend was an unhappy sahp first time around with bad PND so nursery was a welcome break for both of them. She then went back to work, became redundant, and is a sahp again with dc2. The 15 free hours gives her a good break and touch wood no PND with baby 2. It also gives her time alone with dc2 while dc1 is in nursery and gives dc1 good social interaction.

DS is just 2, has a disability and because I receive DLA for him he is entitled to 15hrs a week free from 2. He is doing nursery settling in sessions at the moment.

I am a bit worried it's going to be too much for him. He hasn't enjoyed a single baby/toddler group I've taken him to, but it's only half an hour once or twice a week so doesn't have time to get used to them.

I hope it's the right thing for him but I do worry. I'm not working so have a niggle that he will be better off at home with me but at the same time it could be good for both of us? He barely gets left with anyone else, just my parents. It would be nice to go back to work next year.

Depends on the child. DS stayed with me until he was 3. He is autistic and he needed me. I think those three years of bonding have cemented his trust in me and gave me lots of opportunities to get to know what made him tick.

DD is 15 mths and has just started with a childminder one day a week. She doesn't show any ASD traits, loves other kids and is a very confident and outgoing baby. It suits her. I feel no anxiety about dropping her off because I know she is happy there and enjoying new experiences.

Hard to generalize though, depends on the parent (interest, level of education,energy) depends on the family (extended with loads of cousins).

I think attachment in the first two years is very much under-appreciated.

I’m a SAHP but my children have attended nursery and I also had the flexibility to go to toddler-groups/days out with friends.

If you can afford to and want to I think it can be really beneficial to be the lead carer in the early years. But I fully appreciate most don’t have that option. But I know lots of SAHP who pay for nursery to have a break themselves and for their children to social/build independence/whatever so it’s not one or the other in many situations!

I know anecdote doesn’t equal research at a population level but mine definitely benefited before 3. I’d say until 18-20m I’m sure they’d be better at home. Mine was really there out of necessity. However, she gained so much from then on. She developed a proper friendship with one child extremely early (at around 20 months) and it has been lovely to see. Softplay, classes and groups don’t tend to give the same experience as nursery but obviously so help a bit with socialisation.

I was a SAHM. They did a couple of mornings (9-12) at a little nursery from 16months and 22months.
It benefitted me as I had to do the things it was hard to do with a toddler
Main benefit for them I observed was the nursery thought of things to do that I didn't- messy, sensory stuff etc.

If I'm honest I feel that little children have so much to gain being in the care of their parents more in their first few years, certainly not lose. The strong bond and sense of security, always being close to someone who loves them.

I socialise my little boy plenty and so do all the sahms I know. Time will fly and they go to pre school and then school where they can get the benefits of nursery.

I think they miss out not going to nursery.

I think its important to spend time qith the same children each week, develop relationships/friendships.

I think its good for them to be looked after by other adults, and learn to be comforted by different people.

My dd is so confident and happy to go off and play, my friends kids qho stay at home are shy and stay near parents all the time.

I also find speech develops quicker for kids at nursery

Why don’t you read some academic peer reviewed research rather than rehashing a divisive conversation that only serves to punish those WHO CANNOT AFFORD to not work (and don’t wish to rely on benefits or top ups) and belittle the children of SAHP who may or may not have the social skills of children who attend nursery.

If you can afford to go part time that would be the best of both surely?

Otherwise take your question to the experts in child development.

We didn't get free 15 hours but paid for a private nursery then to a pre school so our DDs could socialise. They loved it and it really helped when they went to nursery later and then school as they were confident to just walk in and join in.

We were entitled to hours at 2 but didnt use them. They were at the time designed to support families who might not be providing a stimulating environment at home fo rone reason or another. I felt I was far better able to! For us, I was far better suited to caring for my daughter and providing messy play and cookinga nd going for walks etc. But I dont think its awful if someone cant do that. Nursery is there for those who need work efc i wouldnt use one if i didnt have to though.

My DC have all started at school nursery as 'rising fours - a calendar year before starting school basically. 15 hours per week term time. No childcare outside immediate family before then.

They've adjusted well to school and have started nursery with great vocabulary (at her settling in session my 3.5yo announced
'WOW, I am amazed by that gargantuan climbing frame!') and gross motor skills although none have been able to read or write until 4.5 or so. While I am at home with preschoolers they are my absolute priority so we go to loads of groups, swimming, messy play, reading, chatting etc as well as playdates. I wouldn't change it.

Bobbiepin

"I have friends with DC the same age as dd who are SAHPs and their children show very different developments to Dd. Dd shared at a young age, has the physical development of a child a year older than her and to an extent can form friendships (she recognises children she sees often and smiles and hugs them). Stay at home children don't do this IME. Dd has learned so much from watching older children."

Not entirely true. My DD is 3.5 years and hasn't been to nursery yet. She is very sociable and friendly. Interacts with other children all the time. I've taken her to playgroups and soft plays and has no problems with socialising and in fact she usually goes up to other kids first.
I've often had people comment and are surprised when I tell them that she doesn't go to nursery yet.

My little boy has been in nursery 4 days a week since he was 10 months old. The other day my mum has him .He's a very happy boy and loves his nursery time. His development has come on leaps and bounds since he started. He's definitely not from a "below par home environment" and I think he benefits greatly from going, he gets so much more from it than I could give him at home. I think you have to do what works best for your family.

Kids benefit from being with their parent until around 2.5 when a part time nursery place has an advantage. Most sahm go to some groups remember

No I don't think they miss out provided they are taken to activities and are able to mix with other children. I made sure I took mine to a class or group every day, plus we did lots of play dates and other activities on top of this. They then had a year of preschool before starting school.

In the beginning, I worked and DD1 age 12 months went to nursery. It was not because I had to work - we could have managed on one wage. Things would have been very tight but we would have got by. I was not the main wage earner and was probably on something like the minimum wage. But I wanted to be able to buy extras - to go on family days out and buy her nice toys. She really was my PFB.

I was convinced that DD1 would be advantaged by going to nursery - that she would learn social skills beyond her years, that she would be confident and be able to communicate better than a child who spent most of the day at home with mum, that should would learn to talk at an earlier age, that she would be able to swim like a fish in the pool at the nursery, that she would have a head start when starting school etc etc etc

The reality was nothing like. My wages just about covered nursery fees. I didn't drive so my 8am start at work meant mornings were very, very early and involved a forty minute walk in the buggy to nursery - in Mid December in minus God knows what temperature getting there was not nice for either us.

But the worse thing of all … in the 18 months she was there she was constantly ill. Any bug going round at nursery - she would catch.
It was either being sent home with runny poo or she had a cold or a temperature. She also suffered recurrent tonsillitis which never really went away and eventually at the age of 6 had her tonsils removed. She missed a lot of school so any benefit from the early start at nursery was gone.

All that time my poor, poor baby spent alone at nursery I still feel guilty for putting her through that. I had no reason to put her in nursery apart from my own misguided ambitions for her. I genuinely thought that nursery was some magical place where she would thrive. She didn't, and that guilt will stay with me forever. I can't bear to look at old photos because I see now just how poorly she was. I would say that if you don't have to put your baby in a nursery then you should not do it.

After DD2 was born, we managed childcare between us. DH worked nights, I worked mornings and my mum and DH's dad filled in the gaps.

I totally gave up work after DD3 was born. It was the best and most fulfilling time of my life and I still wonder to this day - what the hell was I thinking making our lives massively more complicated then they needed to be. If I had my time again I'd be a SAHM from day one.

Ds1 went to a private nursery until 4, he was reading before he left nursery.
Ds2 was at home until 3, where he started state nursery, and was not as encouraged with learning as ds1. However, he quickly progressed in reception and by the time he left was at the same level as ds1 when he left reception.
I found nursery more beneficial for the social interaction with peers of the same age.