To ask you how to heal from this

[Everythingnotsavedwillbelost]

Possibly not AIBU but always get good advice on here

I am 46 years old but, because of emotionally distant and unsupportive parents, still feel like a little lost child most of the time. I have never felt supported by my family in my life - neither parent has ever told me they love me or are proud of me ever.

I have 2 kids myself and parent in the totally opposite way as I never want them to feel how I have felt my whole life. Unfortunately I also made wrong decisions with my partner as went for security rather than love and I think that’s because I never felt secure in my life.

I have lots of good friends but feel like a lot of my life has been defined by how my parents are.

So Aibu to ask for your advice and experiences - how do I heal from this and move on? I have had some counselling but it’s never really helped and I don’t know what to do. It’s really affecting my life though as I feel like it’s affected my self esteem so much and so deeply

Live in the moment.

I found writing my mother a letter hugely cathartic. I'll admit I thought my Counsellor was mad, but it did help. Counselling was a shock really as I'd never realised my anxiety & depression were due to cold, a distant, openly contemptuous, cleaning obsessed stepford wife of a mother. I do agree with the Counsellor that confrontation wouldn't work, it would just result in the usual denial ("you twist things" etc) , hysteria & gaslighting. Appreciate its made you insightful, empathetic & a great Mum OP.

I know how hard it is to manage a difficult r'ship with a parent. My issues are a bit different but I have learnt to accept that I cannot change the past or the behaviour of the parent. I have not seen of spoken to my mum for two and a half years and am currently having counselling. I also know she probably had serious mental health issues and had to deal with the death of my dad in a road accident. What I am trying to say is you have to stop living in the past [easy to say I know] and value those people who you have in your life now who value you, love and cherish you.

You could try a different counsellor. That may help if you didn’t click with the one you had, I’ve been there too. I think you just haven’t gone to her for long enough to get to the bottom of things. Or you haven’t let it all out yet, tell em everything and get it off your chest.

You could congratulate yourself that you show your children the love you were never shown and try to make a good life for them, well done.

We’ve all fallen for the wrong guy. Don’t beat yourself up about it, shit happens.

It can get better and you will find yourself.

Try gratitudes - ie find one thing (or ten things depending on how you want to do this) every day to say you are grateful for. That helped me move on. For example “I am grateful for the dry weather today and for getting to work without getting soaked”. “I am grateful for my kind work colleague helping me”. I am grateful they had the food I wanted in stock at Asda” etc
When you do a few of these it makes you feel like you are in The Now and it keeps your mind from delving back into past sorrows on a daily basis, while letting you see how much good there is around you. As for the past sorrows, Thats what your counselling sessions are for!