To ask for your tips dealing with step son becoming a teen

[HoldMyBook]

My step son is starting to enter his teen years shortly and his behaviour has changed a lot.

Firstly, I don't dislike him at all in fact I love him very much but I'm just after some tips on keeping my patience and cool during the more trying periods!

He doesn't enjoy being around parents anymore, we are no longer cool which is fine, I remember that well! But his attitude is starting to stink.

Whatever DH or I suggest is met with either tears, sighs, rolled eyes etc... Just tonight I started making tea and one which I thought he liked (he did do before) and was met with an almighty tantrum when asked what it was because I KNOW he doesn't like that (I don't, and he does we've had it lots of times!!).

Asking him to do anything in the house is a chore in itself as well which I do appreciate is just normal 'tween' behaviour but as I'm not a parent myself I'm wondering what you let go as normal teen behaviour and what you pull up.

I've never been a shouty SM, it's not me at all and we've always got on really really well, still do most of the time. But sometimes in these situations I could just scream to stop being so bloody ungrateful!!

Okay I'm probably just ranting because I'm sure most people with children of a certain age have been through this before and I just have to ride it out but it's tough knowing the line to walk when you're not a parent but you're still very involved and getting the brunt of the behaviour.

Any tips to get me through with my sanity intact?

Write a list of all the things that you and your OH do for him. Explain that you do each of them because you love him, not because you are obliged to. Tell him that each time he gives you bad attitude, you’ll cross something off the list and stop doing it for him.

Fist bump OP - my pending SD is exactly the same! 😂

Phew it's not just me then

I have a 14 yr old ds and he is a bit up and down at the moment. I feel for you OP!

Ds1 is a lovely boy/man still but his emotions are all over the place. After exchanges like this I usually leave it 20 mins or so, go up to his room and ask him if he's ok, let him know that I remember 14 is a hard place to be and give him a cuddle ( he still let's me, hurrah!) but remind him that its not fair to take his hormones out on others and point out whatever it was that he did was rude.

I also bring a snack normally because he gets hangry so easily!

This invariably ends up with something along the lines of: him saying how sorry he was that he flew off the handle, he doesn't know why he is so irritable sometimes and he wishes he wasnt, he loves me heaps, please can he have some of the favourite tea after all because he DOES like it and he promises to a) practice being calmer and b) do the washing AND drying up as an apology.

I love my stroppy ds, because him being stroppy ends up in us actually being closer and him trusting me more to be his safe place I think. Which as a single mum of three boys makes my heart soar ❤

You sound like a lovely Step Mum already, I think patience might be required which is hard enough when the child is biologically yours! He's working out where the boundaries are and who he is, it's bloody hard. Just remind him of the expectations, love him harder than you ever thought he'd need and all will be fine.

Are his chores written down and obvious when etc. Any moaning just point, and I'd put any sanctions on there too.
Tea, again write it down so it's obvious, but ask for suggestions for next week. Get him to write it on a post it. So when he claims he doesn't like it, you can just point again.
It's hormones, so try to organise life so there's less to argue about.

We've not actually tried the writing down chores but I'll put it to DH. It's usually just a 'before you play on X, please do Y (which we've usually asked to be done 100 times by then )

I've never really had to 'parent' before, DH has always been very good and stepping in when needed and to be honest he's a lovely boy so I've never felt the need to 'tell off' but now that mood swings are becoming a bit more of a regular occurrence I don't want there to be a belief that there are no boundaries when it comes to me iyswim. But at the same time I don't want to turn into the wicked witch, we've been doing so well so far!

So my goal is not to be a push over, but still be a SM he likes! Or maybe I'm kidding myself, maybe teenagers don't like any adults

You sound like a lovely Step Mum already

Thank you very much. I won't take all the credit, he makes it easy (most of the time!).

Ps it's not all touchy feely stuff in our house though- chores not done for day = no wifi for the evening!

chores not done for day = no wifi for the evening!

Yes I think we may have to start doing things like this occasionally unfortunately!

Also fist pump i have DSS just turned 14 and is a hormonal stroppy grumpy eye rolling pain in the bum.

I have been his stepmum for 12 years and we have always had a very close relationship.

Like you i have no DC of my own so i have doted on my SS but lately i am struggling also my DH is we can't seem to do anything right anymore it's exhausing. We plan lovely things but he's not interested just wants to sit in his room play fortnite or watch YouTube.

I think we have just got to sit back and go with it. The growing up seemed to of happened overnight i am devastated because i really miss that sweet kind caring boy. It's knocked me for 6 to be honest i wasn't prepared.

I also sometimes feeling like screaming but i remember teenage years hormones and changes weren't very nice so i try and be understanding not take anything personal and pray these next few years go as smoothly as possible.

I also sometimes feeling like screaming but i remember teenage years hormones and changes weren't very nice

Yes this is what I keep telling myself! It's also given me a new found appreciation for my parents and what I must have put them through too

I'm glad it's not just me at least

There is a book by Charlie Taylor called Divas and Doorslammers, in which he talks about how the brain is actually rewiring during adolescence, and how this explains them losing certain abilities (like impulse control, controlling their temper and attitude, and the ability to see themselves as not the centre of the universe) - he explains it as being like temporary brain damage - but it is temporary, and most, if not all of these abilities come back once the rewiring has happened.

I bought this book when I was going through the teenage years with ds3, and was worried that one or other of us would NOT survive it.

I have also seen "Get out of my life - but first take me and Alex into town" by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks recommended on here, though I haven't read that one.

I only skimmed bits of the Divas and Doorslammers book - I was too busy trying to manage three teenage sons and all their dramas - but other people have said it is a really helpful book, and what I read did help me.

As I said, ds3 was a bit of a nightmare during his adolesence - strops, door slamming, very poor temper control - and I did despair at times - but we did come out the other side of it. He learned how to control his temper again, and went back to being the lovely person he had been before the teenage years hit.

I'm also struggling with this. Mine is 16 and just incredibly messy. I can ignore his bedroom (just about) but when it spreads to the rest of the house that I work hard to keep clean and tidy, that's not on. So if he's walking away leaving wrappers, or shoes, or plates, or glasses, I ask him to move them. He used to just do it, but recently there's been attitude and stroppiness creeping in.

I can't deal with it, as it's fine when he does what he's told, but I'm only his dad's partner - I don't feel like I can nag, or shout, or tell him off, if he doesn't do something.

I tried explaining to him that everything he doesn't do for himself, someone else has to do, and why should that be me? Why should I walk round picking up rubbish for other people all the time, when it's so easy for them to do it? But that conversation had no effect.

It's also a nightmare getting him to help with chores now. He used to do the dishes after dinner no problem (it's all we ask him to do), but now he wanders off, or just does a half job so I have to re-wash everything anyway.

It's so difficult. I feel if he was my child I'd be able to handle it better, but I don't feel discipline is my place, and DH is working a lot so isn't always here when it needs to be done.

I feel if he was my child I'd be able to handle it better

Totally get this! I feel like this too sometimes.

Thanks for the book suggestions I will have a Google tonight