To think that the terms ‘nag’ and ‘nutter’ are used to try and stop women in relationships from voicing concerns?

[ethelfleda]

I have a couple of dear friends who are very unhappy in their relationships.
One’s DP started smoking weed a few years ago - his use became heavier and his personality is very different now than it used to be. Friend tries to speak to DP about this but he keeps dismissing her concerns and she confides that she is worried about being a ‘nag’

Other dear friend recently had a baby and her DP is treating her terribly. He is pretty much leaving her to it, she has had a rough start to motherhood and when he asks for help or gets upset with him for not seeming to care, he shouts at her and tells her she is a ‘nutter’ is ‘mental’ and tells her she must have PND as she isn’t thinking straight.

AIBU to believe that these terms - along with terms such as ‘bunny boiler’ are still alive and well, are used mainly to describe women and are designed to stop us from voicing opinions/concerns in our relationships?

You’re absolutely right. They are very misogynistic. You will never hear a man accused of nagging or described as bossy. Men with those characteristics are described as being forthright and having leadership skills.

The men you describe sound particularly vile. Sadly women have to put up with a lot of shit like this because of financial dependence and violence.

Yes, I agree with you. It's easy to belittle women with these terms, it's a scapegoat for the other party to not listen or take on board the opinion/concern being raised.
My ex h used to say you are pathetic/ this is pathetic, that shut me down completely and so it worked a treat for him didn't it? Meant he didn't have to listen or do anything differently, work in partnership with me, respecting my wishes, likes/dislikes, fears etc.

I left him.
Turns out I'm not so pathetic after all.

I completely agree. In fact, when I was single and went on dates with guys who claimed their ex was "crazy" that was an immediate red flag for me. When a man calls a woman crazy I normally assume he means that she has emotions and expresses her needs which he probably chooses to disregard/scoff at, which in turn makes her upset. Not the kind of guy I would want to be with.

The men in your friends' lives sound horrible.

But I do think there is a difference between nagging and raising reasonable issues. Just some men when they're feeling hard done to choose to present the reasonable as nagging to minimise their own actions.

I think the following are nagging:

• Leaving multiple texts asking when DP is off their flight and being annoyed when they call half an hour after the plane says it's landed online
• complaining that DH doesn't do the laundry / dish washer enough, but then every time they do it taking bits out and reorder-ing it to be done your way (not talking about convenientlu incompetent men here)
• always being on at DP to do X Y Z which could be done by either of you but you both work full time (decorating is a big one on this, someone I know is big on nagging about how they've never got round to decorating their lounge but then they also never do anything it's not just their DH).

Equally, I wouldn't use the term bunny boiler, but I would say that men and women are both capable of being irrational and jealous and paranoid and keeping an unusual level of monitoring on their other halves.

I think the problem is that unreasonable behaviour exists and it's important to have words for it that are stronger than unreasonable without entering MN call everything abuse teritory. The problem is that some people deliberately trivialise their own behaviours and dramatise their partners for sympathy

This gets right on my nerves. And if women are crazy (read angry) it’s probably their implant. 🙄

Nagging has many connotations:

nagging
adjective: nagging

1.
(of a person) constantly harassing someone to do something.

Or a broader definition "Nagging is a form of control where you keep at someone, trying to get them to do what you want them to do," says Dr. Paul. "Nagging becomes more than a request, but a way to control," Burley adds

Friend tries to speak to DP about this but he keeps dismissing her concerns and she confides that she is worried about being a ‘nag’

I note OP, it is your friend who uses the term nag when referring to herself

TBH, you pick two god awful blokes as examples then pile in on all men a'la the patriarchy, when the majority of men don’t use these terms at all.

Whatsmypassword
Where did I ‘pile in on’ all the men exactly?

My friend did use the word ‘nag’ to describe herself. But the point is that society teaches women not to speak their minds for fear of being labelled a ‘nag’
I don’t think I blamed men at all in my OP...