To limit visitors after birth? What did you do?

[Napqueen1234]

Hello,

So due in 3 months DC2. Have a 2 year old already. For her birth my mum was with us, MIL came straight there (from 4 hours away) and was there at 10am (I have birth just after midnight) and GPIL came 2 days later. The issue I had was that they stayed for ages (I understand they came from 4 hours away) and I was exhausted, stressed as baby was unwell and uncomfortable attempting BF with people there.

Fastforward to this time we now live close to in laws and 4 hours from my parents. We discussed last night and planned:
Only me and DH in hospital. DH will go and collect DC1 to come 'meet' baby if we are in over 24 hours as I will want to see her too.
Visitors from both sides limited to an hour or two in the first 2 weeks (pat leave).
Invite my parents to stay Tues-Fri of week 3 when partner back to work.

Just to add my parents are much less intrusive and much more helpful (ie. will help cook, look after DC1, let me go for a nap if struggling) etc compared to in laws which DH completely agrees with.

Do you think this sounds fair? We want to set things out clearly before the birth and while I know everyone will be excited it was too much last time and we really want those first two weeks to get settled as a 4.

Any advice or experiences welcome. Obviously we have never had a newborn with a toddler before (although she does go to nursery 3 days a week which will continue).

Thanks!

First time we didn't tell anyone until we were home and ready. Second time we needed childcare so mil was on hand and brought DS to meet his sister in hospital but was very good and only stayed a bit as I was feeling sore and tired.

I think it's fine
We just had Dd3. And a planned section. Nobody knew.

we gave out a false due date and a false c section date and told family we needed childcare on the day as I was going for a pre op appointment.

I had packed the kids school bags with clothes for a few days and txt on the day asking if they could pick kids up from school as we had been kept in hospital. We told everybody we had had her when she was around 8 hours old but that we weren't ready for visitors.

Parents came for around an hour a few times the first and second week and to be honest they haven't bothered since. She's 6 months old

Never forgets dhs plaintive “don’t leave us” when my mum went home to give us space as a new family

Yeah it’s that overwhelming hosting when you just want to snuggle down with your newborn. I find it odd the attitude that people have a right to your baby and to hold it as long as they want etc (most visitors obviously aren’t like that) so that’s why I feel laying some ground rules would be helpful. For those worried I’m leaving MIL out (there is no FIL) when I say limit visits to an hour that doesn’t mean she couldn’t come 3/4 times in that first fortnight as she is local just that the visits would be short rather than a day trip. As mentioned she’s a very much sit down hold the new baby and not move rather than a helpful ‘I’ll make tea, put a wash on etc’ kind of MIL and while that’s fine it means I don’t want her there for hours on end. Some of your families sound amazing so can see why you’d want them around a lot!

Do what you feel is right for you OP. With my son I didn’t want anyone at the hospital. Then I had the baby, called my dad and found out he’d been hovering round the hospital for hours because it was my due date. He came in and met my son and it was fine but looking back now I see that I wasn’t really being given a choice. Once we went home my MIL who lives 300 miles away was staying, my whole family visited one after the other, friends etc were in and out. Of course it’s nice for them to meet the baby but I kind of resent that they made it more about their wishes than mine.

I’m due again in November and have already spent time telling people that the most important thing for me is my son having time to bond and meet with the new baby. I’m not sure how it will play out but I’m quite sure that I don’t want to be over run with visitors again.

“it’s that overwhelming hosting”

So don’t host? I find this baffling. I never “hosted”. I just lay on the sofa and had things brought to me. Or went to bed with the baby if I wanted to.

OP, don’t worry too much about passing baby and wanting to nap etc. With my first, my ILs came the evening I was discharged and stayed until about 10pm. I was so sore and tired and just wanted my new baby but endured it. With my following children, I was more assertive in asking for baby etc but also, DC1&2 was there and also wanted attention so sitting holding baby for hours was not an option. At one point, I said it was lovely to see them but baby and I were going for a feed and a nap together and we would see them again soon (ie be gone when I get up!). We did and they were!
By all means, manage visitors as you feel best but remember, you’re not a first timer anymore. Hopefully you will find it easier to assert yourself.

@BertrandRussell that sounds really good. I guess it's just that some visitors are the kind to ask "aren't you going to get us a cup of tea?" Or "didn't feel like brushing your hair this morning then?!" The answer I suppose would be make it yourself you cheeky sod and nobody asked your opinion

(Not my visitors, a friend's! Although I did find myself cleaning the house, painting my nails and making round after round of tea for all our visitors but nobody asked me to)

DC was premie but we'll, so we stayed in for 72 hours. Quite liked visitors, but they're strictish so none except DH could really stay for ages. Was nice having people pop in (especially with food/ tea) first few weeks at home - but none stayed more than an hour or two.

We did say no overnight guests for a month or two. Which I think is very reasonable. You have no idea how the early nights will go and I was topless most of the night.

I think saying just you, DH and DC in hospital (if all goes well) makes sense.

I would say, I was given a private room due to needing a longer stay/ being sick from pregnancy complications. I think that made it easier.

I think it's a little unfair on the in laws why doesn't your husband just say we need some family time now and plan when they're next to come so they dont feel pushed out. I think a set strict hour is a little harsh and unwelcoming, I'd feel like I was not welcome.

Thanks @Gustavo1 I think I will feel more assertive this time round

Didn't see a single person for three weeks. No one lost their lives about it.

Both of mine were emergency sections but we did the bulk of the visiting in the 1st 2 weeks. The only people who made it across our threshold were the midwives/hv and very close friends. We went to both my dm and my inlaws and Sil's so we could leave when I wanted to plus they were the hosts so they had to cook/make cups of tea/amuse dc1 whilst I fed dc2 and so on.

It was very much my preferred option.

My in-laws and partners brother and sister rocked up approximately 12 hours after I got home from having a c-section and less than 48 hours after having the baby.

They were loud, took up every possible space and stayed way longer than I ever expected. Before I had the baby they said 'we'll come when you're ready', however once we called to say we had had a little girl the response was 'we'll be on the first train tomorrow!'

I wish I'd had the balls to take myself and the baby off to bed. I didn't have anywhere to sit, couldn't establish breastfeeding properly as again, no where to sit and I was just exhausted and in pain.

If there is a next time they're absolutely not coming at first, and their visit is being capped. They didn't do anything to help and it was all too much. After the initial 'oh new baby' they just used my living room as a place to have a catch up.

Oh and his mother found nothing wrong in taking pictures with the flash on right in the babies face and then wondered why she cried.

I'm still livid by it and probably always will be. Both myself and my partner were too shell shocked by 'good grief we have a baby' to actually say anything. Next time it'll be different.

But @Louiselouie0890 with the greatest respect your feelings wouldn't matter at that point. Would you really want to push in on a mother who had just given birth that doesn't want you there because you care about your feelings first?
The baby is not yours, you have not just given birth and yet you really feel that your feelings should come before anyone else's? Is that how you feel?

I hate adults pushing to get there hands on baby first. Back off people!

@lunaland I never once said anything about all the dribble you just went on about. I said being held to a strick hour is unwelcoming and it would make me feel unwelcome. I could go and stay for 20 minutes but being told an hour only i find unwelcoming as though I was intruding or making them uncomfortable. I would just hold out till it wasnt such a big deal about visiting and mum and baby were more settled. I dont think anbodys feel tops the families feelings and mental wellbeing, never said anything of the sort. The wording an hour is unwelcoming that's all.

I've told recently my family if shes tired or just plain old cant be arsed wants to stay in pjs and be left alone I wont be offended about her cancelling on me.

It's the wording simply, it might offend a few people.

@Louiselouie0890
I honestly didn't mean to offend or for it to be taken badly I was just trying to understand. You have explained it now so I think I understand what you mean.
Sadly a lot of people seem to be like what I described in my post, from your reply I don't think you're one of them.

I think with the wording thing it's difficult because with some people unless you are very clear and rigid with your request then they will not take you seriously. Whereas like you've said you would respect what they wanted without them having to be firm. I suppose it depends on the people you're talking to.

1st baby - we had 5 days of non stop visitors, and I ended up so overwhelmed and exhausted.

Next babies - we had an electric doorbell to an upstairs flat that we disconnected and let people in who telephoned first and let us know they were coming!

I know what you mean @Lunaland its easy to offend people either way and when I originally read @Louiselouie0890 post I felt a bit the same. I think its odd when relatives take it as a personal offence or feel they have certain 'rights' to a baby, perhaps its only since having my own but now I would only visit new parents and baby on their terms whatever they were. If people felt unwelcome with us saying please can be limit the length of the stay I sort of feel that their problem rather than mean as long as I didn't say it in a rude way or sat with a timer ready to chuck them out at 60 minutes exactly! To me its more managing expectations i.e. don't plan to come at midday expecting a full lunch laid on etc.!

Yes it's definitely about managing expectations and being clear because otherwise how will people know? Everyone is different, so you do need to let people know what is best for you.
To be honest if people take offence at any of that then it's not your problem. You will have been as clear as you can be.

It's something I feel very strongly about having had a couple of friends driven into distress as a result of relatives behaving selfishly straight after the birth.
Also I'm due to have my first next year and will be very clear about what I need after. I'm autistic and having clear boundaries is a big part of me staying away from becoming very mentally unwell. When I'm at my most vulnerable after birth it will be very important that people respect my space.

@Napqueen1234 I've just been reading the thread about people underestimating childbirth on AIbu and it's spot on, you might find it useful.
It's not just about the baby, it's about your recovery as well xx