To want to run away... again

[Kimbaland]

First time ever post on MN, but I come here almost daily to read the hot topics because you all give the best advice!

Im 31, engineering professional and have been working for the last 15 years.

I left my last company in at the beginning of 2019 after 8 years. Most of those 8 years were great, good work, good people and a sense of achievement every day.

Then it all changed. A new admin girl started, and she instantly brought with her a click mentality amongst the women of the office. As a manger this wasn’t something I could ever get involved in so I tried to stay on the sidelines but friendly with everyone. However the constant nights out, emails around the office between them, and whispering chats in the coffee room started spreading gossip and bad feeling. I lost count of the amount of times I saw emails or walked in on conversations about how they didn’t like me or undermined decisions I had made.

This got worse and worse and ended up with me taking the ringleader for a chat in the coffee room which ended in raised voices and upset on both sides. Eventually it escalated to shitty comments across the room while I was sat there, whispering directly in front of me, emails to the boss about me and rumors being spread about me.

This. Broke. me.

My head couldn’t take it anymore, after a couple of years of going home in tears I couldn’t face another day and I resigned.

I found another job, started after Christmas and finally felt accepted, happy to come to work, and like it was all over.

I’ve been here 7 months and have always felt I get on with everyone.

Last week the admin girl that sits behind me was in a foul mood, she started throwing out shitty comments about everyone and generally being really unpleasant. This has continued for a week!

I’ve noticed some of the ‘some people over there’ comments coming out and it’s all come flooding back to me.

AIBU to think this is really happening again? Am I being paranoid? How would you deal with this?

I thought about it all weekend and got myself in such a state I didn’t sleep. I’m honestly afraid to come to work, I don’t want this to happen again. I cant keep getting up and running away, there are people like this in all walks of life aren’t there?

I just need some advice, im honestly lost and feel like im heading back to the pain of last year.

Thanks for listening and please be gentle.

You have my sympathy but did you never consider putting in a formal complaint?

Why did you have a word with her yourself?

Hi @HennyPennyHorror

Unfortunately the company i used to work for didnt handle anything HR related well. For example someone complained to the manager about another employee so the manager forwarded the email straight to the person they were complaining about.

It would have made things so much worse

Hi Kimbaland,

This is so tough and hard. And you have done the right thing by speaking out.

Would any of the following work?

1. Kill them with kindness - invite them for a coffee - not that I am suggesting anything but could there be a possibility of something being miscontrued owing to your previous experience (which sounds very horrible)

1. Is there anyone else that you feel in your organisation is a good listener? not necessarily HR but may be worth a face to face with them.

I hope this can help to relieve some of your anxiety.

I would also add that gossiping is well recognised as a characteristic of toxic people - and usually these are the types that eventually get found out. Stick to the values that have served you well in your career.

Can’t you just stay out of it? That’s what I always do. Just don’t engage.