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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cheating - Will he do it again

24 replies

Tay1234 · 11/09/2019 04:36

Been married to OH for 22 yrs, (been together since I was 17), have a really nice lifestyle, home and 3 DC’s but about 2 years ago found texts on his phone to and from other people, found his dating profile and as he goes out nearly every Friday with mates after travelling a lot with work (leaving me and DC’s to cope and generally be his housekeeper) I was floored after listening how things would change (doesn’t go out as much but still needs a drink to unwind after a stressful week) and happy to join mine and DC’s locator app trust slowly built back up until this weekend and my works do. I found him in the toilets with another woman. He admitted it’s his fault (definitely not mine!) and he has a problem with alcohol- he claims he had no idea what he was doing, and he has told not only DC’s but close friends too I feel torn. Yes I love him and it would break the kids hearts if I divorced him but on the other hand I don’t ever want to feel/be humiliated like this again, my parents think I should divorce and although that was my initial reaction I’m now not sure. My eldest (17) has asked how we will manage financially and he also mentions He went with OH to doctors who said it was likely he has had some sort of breakdown but I worry this is just him trying to manipulate DC’s and myself. Oh and yes he’s also tried to blame the alcohol mixing with the tablets he takes for his heart condition 🙈
Sorry for the rant but any thoughts would be appreciated

OP posts:
Tay1234 · 11/09/2019 04:43

Btw after the first time I have all passwords, access to phones/laptops etc and bank accounts

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 11/09/2019 04:48

You deserve better. It must be a worry financially but is a comfortable lifestyle worth feeling humiliated for?

TemporaryPermanent · 11/09/2019 04:54

I would step back and think. How is your relationship overall? Do you like him, want to spend time with him, fancy him? Do you have sex and is it good? Is it a grind a lot of the time or does the relationship make your life better? Has the drinking been a major issue - are most Saturdays a bit shit due to hangover? Or is the drinking a huge excuse?

Tbh I would say hes goes outside of your marriage as a fairly well established habit now. Whatever the reason, that's how he deals when the chips are down. I doubt it means he doesn't love you. But you get to say what happens in your life. Not him, and not us.

Sadiesnakes · 11/09/2019 04:57

Alcoholism and cheating don't go hand in hand, he's trying to get away with one thing by blaming the other. Sure drinking too much is not going to help but most people manage to get drunk and not cheat.

He may be having some kind of mid life crisis, if this really is new behaviour and a lot of the time it doesn't end well, it's not just that he's fallen for someone and couldn't help it, he's actively looking to cheat on you, so in this circumstance I'd say yes he's very likely to cheat on you again.

Even if you don't plan to divorce, (which you should) you need to seriously give him a wake up call by getting him to leave ASAP. Be very firm and tell him you are separating indefinitely until you can make a decision and hopefully by then it will be the right one, and that it's over.

Op, what you had with him is lost forever, you'll never have that warm cosy trusting feeling again, the you and him against everything feeling, he's the enemy now, for the very long foreseeable future.

Put yourself and Dc first, protect yourself, he has ruined your family unit, him alone. You have no guilt saying no.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2019 05:00

You keep turning a blind eye and letting him stay, why WOULDN'T he cheat again?

Hederex · 11/09/2019 06:56

It has already been more than once that you know about, even following the talk you had.
He doesn't take responsibility for his actions.
Yes, in your position I would divorce him.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 11/09/2019 07:04

You actually found him and saw him with someone - I don’t think I could ever get that out of my head. And this was the second time you found him out.

It is of course, your choice. But I wouldn’t want to (a) show my children that this is ok in a relationship, and (b) prevent myself from moving on and finding someone who treats me with respect.

Flowers
Tay1234 · 11/09/2019 08:23

Thanks for all your replies
I did ask him to move out straight away but he won’t go and now the kids are back to school (1 in year 11 and 1 just gone into year 7 last week, the other has just started college) I can’t go as I have nowhere nearby. He insists on working and sleeping in the office downstairs.

OP posts:
chamenanged · 11/09/2019 08:56

he has told not only DC’s but close friends too

He's told the DC what?

WhatsMyPassword · 11/09/2019 08:59

this weekend and my works do. I found him in the toilets with another woman.

Shall we stop just there?

I dont really give a shit about him - but get a back bone, get some dignity and chuck him out. How can you face work knowing everyone knows he was copping off with Mary from Accounts at YOUR works function?

Nonmerci · 11/09/2019 08:59

Am I reading this right, he told your DC about his affair and your eldest went to a GP appointment with him to discuss his alcoholism? Shock

Poor show, this shouldn’t be on a 17 year old’s shoulders whatsoever. Keep your children out of it and yes, I would say chances of him cheating again are pretty high. Drinking alcohol doesn’t cause infidelity, it’s just a poor excuse for shit behaviour.

violetbunny · 11/09/2019 09:02

I think you should see a lawyer to work through how you can get him out of the house and begin divorce proceedings.

smokeytoby · 11/09/2019 09:02

I am a recovering alcoholic and it never, ONCE, made me cheat on my partner. It is not an excuse so please don't use it as such. He is more likely than not to cheat again.

Here, have my first ever LTB, you and your children deserve so much better.

Bellsofstclements · 11/09/2019 09:04

He's absolute trash. You'll be much better off without him.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 11/09/2019 09:05

Yes he will do it again, he probably never stopped. He can't use alcohol as an excuse to be a cheating scumbag. Like many others have said, alcohol doesn't MAKE you cheat - he decided to.

TheSerenDipitY · 11/09/2019 09:10

you know if hes done it once he will do it again...

MashedSpud · 11/09/2019 09:10

Sorry but he’s probably been cheating through the whole relationship.

I can understand how women can try to make it work after a single event happens (I don’t use the word mistake because you don’t accidentally fall into someone’s vagina) but event after event?

latexsalesman · 11/09/2019 09:17

It's not up to your children to decide if you'll put up with a cheater and a disrespectful twat. Yes he will keep cheating on you.

See a solicitor and get things sorted. The longer you leave it the longer you'll have to keep living with him.

GinNotGym19 · 11/09/2019 09:37

I know money is a worry but you will be fine. I separated from my ex in January and you really can’t put a price on peace of mind.

Your h is incredibly out of line telling the children and taking them to the doctors appointment. Children should not have to be an emotional support or get involved in adult issues they don’t really understand. He’s putting the children in the middle and I feel like he’s being manipulative in doing that especially as you say he’s refused to leave.
He doesn’t come across as being remorseful and he’s putting his own needs first by refusing to leave.
He hasn’t taken any responsibility either by blaming the alcohol and a midlife crisis, if he’s not sorry then he won’t change. My ex was never sorry for anything he did to me, it was always because of something, wouldn’t take any responsibility either which is the main reason I drew a line and split up with him.
I’m not trying to stick the boot in but if it was so easy for him to cheat with you present I’d question how often he’s actually cheated.

UndomesticHousewife · 11/09/2019 09:40

He absolutely should not be taking your 17 year old to doctors appointment! What on earth is wrong with him.

What has been telling the children ? That he was in the toilets with another woman?

He totally manipulating you and while he may have admitted fault he's still making himself the victim. You'd do well to get away from him.

MulticolourMophead · 11/09/2019 09:48

I would bet he's been cheating throughout, if he was so blatant as to be in the toilets with a woman at your works do.

He's vile for involving your DC here, bet the only reason he had the son at the doctor's appointment was to act as a witness to his crocodile tears and manipulation of the doctor. Yes, I am that cynical these days, have seen too much in my life.

The Dc might not want you to divorce, but it has to be your decision, about what YOU want. Do you want to remain living with a cheater who will surely find a way to do this again? You may have his passwords, etc, but a cheap burner phone would bypass all that.

Alfiemoon1 · 11/09/2019 09:49

He shouldn’t of taken dc with him to the doctors and I do think he was being manipulative in doing so. What has he told dc and close friends surely as this has only just recently happened it should be between the 2 of you with you leaning on close family or friends for support dc should not have been told until it affects them for example if you decide to separate or he moves out and even then it should be discussed what and how you are going to tell them although I do appreciate they are teenagers and will hear things and pick up on an atmosphere

I think he’s being an arse for not moving out even if it is only temporarily to give you some head space

Damntheman · 11/09/2019 12:54

I'm sorry OP, you deserve so much better. Don't let alcohol become an excuse. Alcohol doesn't change who a person is, it just amplifies who they really are on the inside. I think it's up to you to decide if he stays or goes, but either way I suspect he needs to stop drinking at all.

9cats · 11/09/2019 13:21

My DP suffered with alcoholism and he never once cheated, or even considered it. He's making excuses and taking you for an idiot!

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