To be pissed off at my housemate?

[Refreshretry]

I live in a shared house and have 2 housemates.

One is fine, moved in recently and have had no issues with him at all.

The other one is a pain in the arse.

He seems to do weird passive aggressive things that are aimed at me but not the other housemate. We have a shared kitchen but there are only certain utensils, mugs etc that I use. Every time he comes home he will move my stuff to the windowsill off the drying rack but never does it to the other housemate. He left one unwashed spoon and knife that were in the sink on top of my fridge. He will leave stuff out that he thinks that I've used for weeks and refuse to put them away even if I've not actually used them (FWIW I will wash small things like cutlery, mugs etc that aren't mine and put them away).

Tonight I ordered a pizza, not too late, about half 9. It took a bit longer than expected for it to arrive and turned up about half 10. I've done this before and they usually call me when they are nearby so I can come out but today they didn't. Housemate comes banging on the door to let me know they are there and then has a go at me saying he was in bed. Aibu to order a fucking takeaway in my own home?!

It's getting to the point where I'm really starting to hate living here despite the fact it's a beautiful house and everything else about it is great because I'm always wondering if something I do will piss him off. Normal things, like leaving a fork in the sink or having a visitor over. He ALWAYS comments if I have someone round and it's really making me uncomfortable and not want to leave my room in case I run into him! Or aibu and really inconsiderate?

Because when I use stuff it's the sum total of (for example) one bowl/plate/mug/spoon, not a whole pile of stuff.

So you should be washing, drying, and putting it away as soon as you're done with it. It would take five minutes. No need to leave it lying around. That, YABU with.

He IBU with not letting you have things in the communal areas. Put your things where you want them and if he moves them away, put them back and have a discussion about shared space.

Be very very thankful that he is your housemate and not your Husband!

Just imagine living with such a small-minded and petty person for the rest of your life...

If he's passive aggressive, I'd not be so passive, I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to fuck off and leave my shit alone.

I had something like this when I lived in a shared house at university. He was a passive aggressive little scrote. I lost my rag with him and he kept out of my way for the next 12 months.

@Sparklfairy you've hit the nail on the head! I don't know why he even got up, if the delivery guy was that loud I would have heard him. If I heard someone knocking and I wasn't expecting someone I would just assume it was for my housemate and ignore it not get up, got to their door, bang on it and then admonish them. I know he wasn't asleep either, I could hear his tv on (not the point I know, but still).

He isn't the home owner, just another regular housemate who has lived there longer than me. By his own admission he is a bit grumpy and antisocial but that isn't my problem!

I'm desperately looking for a studio place that I can have to myself but most of the places to rent are 2 bed or more and too expensive. Massive bonus to living here is that all the bills are included, whereas in my own flat they would be extra and that's really what pushes it into being unaffordable at the moment.

The plant was just a little basil pot which I wanted to overwinter inside as it won't survive outside 😞

I can imagine that from his point of view he's decided you are not getting on and that now everything you that's slightly inconvenient niggles at him. It's not fair on you but I have been on the receiving end of that too with a housemate and it is very hard to break the cycle.

Try opening up conversation. Be friendly, positive and try to get him talking. Buy a nice box of biscuits, leave them out in the kitchen with a note from you saying something like "Bought these for us all to share . . "

Then buy another plant, or move the old one back into the lounge "Bought this for us all to look at". Slightly passive aggressive of you, but it's giving him a second chance. If he moves it again, you can then say - bright and breezily - "Is there a problem with me putting a plant in the lounge? Are you allergic or something?"

Finally, next time he moves anything of yours, either talk to him or leave him a breezy little note. "Thanks so much for putting my stuff on the window sill. Sorry if it was in your way." (And if you are feeling like establishing your space, you could also add . . . "To return the complement, I have put some of your things from the lounge by your bedroom door.")

If he gets cross or offended, he will have to say something. Be assertive, not aggressive. Be slightly surprised.

You: You didn't want me to move your stuff? I'm just being helpful. You often move mine in the kitchen.
Him: That's different. Yours was in the way.
You: Actually I don't think that it is different at all. We all share this house. Same rules for everyone. I'm happy to live and let live, so lets just leave each others stuff alone then.

HTH

When Ds shared with three others he used to cook, eat, wash up and take all his utensils back to his room. He kept it all in a plastic box under the bed. It seemed like a great idea to me.
He sounds like a knob, don't rise to his passive aggresive jabs, just ignore him completly.
And when he has a go over stuff like the pizza, "fuck off" is the response you are looking for.

That's exactly what I plan to do @Troels! When I do finally move to a place of my own I will do so with nothing, I had to leave all my old stuff at my ex's place so started from absolute scratch when I moved in here. I didn't even have a duvet when I moved in, had to sleep in a sleeping bag! So I'm going to stock up on little bits and pieces I can take with me when I leave and store in my room, that way I know they'll only get used by me

Studios are hard to come by, but they're also hard to shift as it's a restricted market. Do keep an eye out constantly. Mine is tiny, and like you I had absolutely nothing when I moved, not even plates let alone furniture, but I am so glad I made the move. It's not perfect but it's mine!

There are organisations that can help with furniture at a reduced rate so don't write it off even on a low income. My outgoings even inc bills here are really not that much extra than sharing.

I have house shared a fair bit, but this guy is delusional. The only housemate I ever had issue with was because she used to take her pet rats in to the bath with her. Classy I know.

I would be very tempted to go all out soon, then when you go back to normal he will be relieved.

Some people in life need to focus their negativity on one person, he has chosen you for now, before you it was likely the other housemate so they will be relieved. It will be so.eone else after you, he needs that focus otherwise he would be forced to face the reality that he is just a prick. I had a boss like this.she luuuurved me.

Thank him for moving your stuff on to the windowsill. Thank him for everything as he will hate that. But in reality you need to show him that you have a backbone. Maybe clear his stuff in to one area or a box near his room.

I would stand my ground if it is a nice affordable flat. Once he realises he cannot bully you out he will focus on someone else.

X

BlackCatSleeping Wed 11-Sep-19 02:33:49
It sounds like he just doesn’t like you and any little thing you do winds him up.

Either just go about your business and ignore his pettiness or think about moving out.

I'd start deliberately winding him up.