To just give up.

[Swellerellamoo]

My 9 year old son intermittently has periods of time when frankly he bullies and threatens me. I feel absolutley at the end of my tether. I try everything. Exercise. Home cooked meals. Love. Re doing his bedroom. He will start by refusing to comply with the basics like it's bedtime. Then it will escalate further and further until he is screaming , attacking me, trying to leave the house.

I am the shittest parent. I don't even think i can cope with him at this age. let alone as he gets bigger and stronger.

At this momwnt he is has refused to leave the bathroom and is fully dressed having tried to run away.

My younger daughter is now asleep but was very distressed at his screaming and attacking me.

I use NVR techniques. I have routine. He has everything he could need or want - lovely school great friends extracurricular activities, loving parents.

I just feel like giving up although I don't even know what that means. I was sobbinf to the point of collapsing while he ran at me attacking me.

It's all my fault, I'm the adult I'm the parent. I don't feel like I can cope any more. He's been so much better since the school holidays started and now back to this.

Don't even know why I'm posting except to say I can't cope anymore and I don't even really know what that means.

Help, or a hand hold would be so gratefully received. He's thudding around in the bathroom . God knows what the rest of the night holds.

It's not your fault. You have managed to get your daughter to bed so clearly you know what to do! A couple of questions, what's NVR? Also do you have any other support or is it just you at home with two kids? How old is your youngest?

Have you spoken to your son Inthe calmness of the day and tried to get to the bottom of why he is behaving like this? What kind of rewards/sanctions do you use?

Be kind to yourself. You are a good mum. We all have times when we feel like we are failing but clearly something's going on with your son so the key is getting to the bottom of it.

Where is his father ? you say loving parents, are you still together? I only ask, to enquire if you both practice the same style of parenting and support each other ?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non_Violent_Resistance_(psychological_intervention)

You are not shit. You are there for him. Remember the saying you hurt those closest to you (or something along those lines).

It must be very challenging. Have you been to see your GP about your DS? Is there an underlying health issue, bullying at school or something along those lines? As a family it seems you need support and your son doesn't sound happy (that isn't a failing on your part I hasten to add). Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness it's a sign of strength in that you are trying and willing to help him.

As hard as it is, try not to show him any emotion until you understand the reason behind his behaviour as he will pick up on it.

And if he's in the bathroom, give him some space and leave him there to calm down for a while.

Make sure you look after yourself, I'm sure you will get alot of much more useful and helpful advice. I just wanted to say you aren't shit but you probably are very tired and worn out.

Handhold OP, have you spoken to his school to see what he's like there?

Does he have a diagnosis? My son has pda and changing my parenting using pda strategies helped massively.

Hugs for you OP. You’re doing great and sound like a great and loving mum. Don’t be too hard on yourself and definitely no need to give up. This won’t last forever. He’s only 9 and some kids just have a lot of maturing to do. I agree with a PP about trying to get to the bottom of his feelings. I am sure you are giving him everything but is he feeling that there’s an unmet need somewhere? Have you or anyone else tried talking to him when he’s calm and in a good mood about why he reacts the way he does? What about his dad, what’s his role in all of this and does he spend really good quality time with his son?

Is his dad around OP?

Are these intermittent times linked to anything in particular such as start of school, start of holidays, tiredness, hunger?
My son has dreadful problems with transitions of any kind and we have to manage them with timetables, countdowns and giving options where possible. He also admits he finds it harder to control his emotions when tired or hungry, much like a toddler.

I really do understand I am in the same boat here, not quite giving up 👍

What kind of professional help have you sought so far? Eg school, social services ?

OP

You are not a bad parent OP. Many children have behaviour issues, some extreme like your son. I think there is normally something underlying behind the behaviour. If his behaviour deteriorates more when he is back at school, maybe there is an issue at school. Could be a good idea to speak to the school but also to your doctor about accessing mental health services which may also help getting to the bottom of this

I'm riding this storm currently. Hugs and empathy going your way. Have a Google for PDA strategies (they might work even if not asd) and try reading 'the explosive child'. Also check in and see how he is doing at school, he may be masking really well then letting it all tumble out after or before it. See your gp about a camhs referral.

Contrary to how you feel, the fact he is taking it out on you means you ARE a good mum. He feels safe with you. I'm so sorry it is so difficult to experience though

Thanks all.

Just so totally drained. Done everything I can think of , school, camhs, private referral to child clin psych .

They have been talking about high functioning autism but not clearly.

PDA now I've read up on it fits - the triggers are nearly always and every time my insisting he does something ie undreass for the bath

And really thanks all. Warm words of wisdom much much appreciated

And I should say - he is finally alslep at gone 11

This sounds really familiar in reference to autism. I'm autistic (also high functioning, Asperger's profile) and used to have these same kinds of reactions to certain things- especially going back to school, etc. I never lashed out in those same ways, but then again that's because I'm female and girls are taught to internalise their suffering and hurt themselves, whereas boys externalise it and often hurt others. But the onslaught of emotion sounds really, really familiar. It seems there is something about his life he really really hates (you mentioned start of school, maybe the format of going to school doesn't suit him) and he feels powerless to change it or deal with the feelings it brings up in him. The violence is inexcusable and something that really needs to be addressed going forwards, but as he's so young, there is a very good chance it's just literally the only things he can think to do to protect what he feels are his needs and to express the out-of-control feelings inside- he may just not have any other coping mechanisms. He also sounds sensorily overloaded. Have you looked into sensory processing disorder? Many autistic people have it, but also lots of non-autistics. It has a very specific method of dealing with emotional and otherwise overwhelm- unlike talking therapies like stuff offered by CAHMS, sensory therapists prescribe a specific sensory routine after assessing the child's sensory needs. This routine works to stabilise the central nervous system, so it's an 'bottom-up' solution that resets your entire system (unlike talking therapies that are 'top-down' essentially trying to talk your body into feeling differently). I can't express in words how helpful this intervention was for me- I suffered from varying levels of extreme anxiety every day from the age of 4 onwards, and bouts of debilitating depression, and I thought my life would just always be like this and these were things that just couldn't be fixed- they were a part of me. I did my sensory routine for 6 months and I kid you not I haven't felt anxious a day since then. I try to sound the horn about sensory therapy as much as I can as so many people with similar problems simply just don't know it exists or how effective it can be.

It defs doesn't sound like your parenting has anything to do with this. Your son has some sort of underlying struggle that's making his living in the world harder. I'm sure you'll figure it out and much love xx

My son is 9 and has a diagnosis of autism and pda and sounds like your ds.
No demands, make everything a controlled choice. Like ‘do you want a bath or a shower?’ To be honest though a lot of stuff I let go, pick your battles. My son hasn’t had his hair washed in 5 years
We use lots of visual aids, first and then. ‘First have your bath then you can watch netflix’ First something your not keen on, then something you want.
Ask gp for referral to paediatrician to discuss autism and pda, a diagnosis of pda though really depends on where you live.

Then it will escalate further and further until he is screaming , attacking me, trying to leave the house.

Just wanted to add that my ds has stabbed me, bitten me, scratched me, broken things, ran off, been excluded from every school he attended. I understand what you’re going through and it’s not your fault.
Pda is an anxiety based need to be in control. Any changes can trigger anxiety attacks, such as going back to school, especially a new year, that’s a massive change.
Let him have as much control as you can, let him help choose some meals, choose what time to have a bath, choose what to wear etc and as I said above lots of controlled choices too.
When ds is getting worked up I leave him alone, wait for him to calm down to try and talk to him. I had to completely change my parenting but the last couple of years he’s a different child .

Thanks all I feel less alone

Just to say It’s not you.
Sounds similar to my son.
He’s 10 and just had a high functioning autism diagnosis.
Some good advise given by PP.

If he was better during the holidays could you try home educating?

Or a flexi-time agreement with school?