To want to walk away from my life

[FundamentallyTired]

I'm fairly certain I wouldn't do it, because I care about my DC and know what sort of damage it could do. But it is constantly in my head, the desire, the plans. I want to so much. If I could do it without damaging them I would.

Marriage has been rocky for years and despite counselling and DH doing all the right things I don't think I love him. Dd (7) has ASD and is very challenging. Doesn't sleep, takes hours to settle wakes up at 4am. Has massive anxiety around school and refuses school every morning, has screaming violent meltdowns every day. I am attacked by her at least once a day.

Ds (10) struggles with our life as it is. I have mental health issues, and although I love my job, I'm currently signed off because I just cannot manage everything. DH is doing his share.

I just hate it. It's always chaos, always shouting, screaming, refusing to leave the house. Everything is such hard work and even with planning usually fails. We don't have any family that can help.

I'm exhausted, I'm not cut our for this. I hate this life and there is no prospect of it improving. I just want to run away.

Ah OP. You have my utter sympathies

Try and compartmentalise each issue.

You love your job so could your DH give up work/both go part time and home school your ASD child?

Have you seen the GP about your feelings of despair?

Would you feel happier if you split from your husband? You deserve a happy loved life regardless of the issues with your child.

Good luck OP.

poor you . I know how you feel. Can I come with you when you run away? I also feel I can't take any more.

OP that’s sounds so hard, you just be absolutely exhausted. Do your local SEND team (go via your council or children’s centre if you have one) offer any overnight respite for your daughter so that you could have a break? Or would your husband be able to manage for an overnight so that you could at least have one full nights sleep? I’m sure you have already explored these options, just trying to think of things that could help. The special needs board on here might have some suggestions too.
And no, you are totally not unreasonable to want to run away sometimes.

I don’t have any words of advice, but I hope things get better for you.

I did. I ran away to save my life.

I think I would be happier away from DH, apart from the damage it would do to the DC and DH. I don't know if I can do that to them.

Join the fb group "Breaking the Silence on SEND VCB" first of all, for support for you and a place to vent.

Is your daughter medicated at all? Melatonin would be helpful at the very least. (Some people buy it from reputable sites on the internet!).

I get that it feels like a shit life - believe me, I'm living a very similar one myself. Medication, a different way of parenting, and a change of school were the key turning points for us, although there are still some instances of violence at high-anxiety points.

Hugs to you, OP, it's horrible, and not the life you planned, but you can claw yourself out of "The Pit" and find a 'new normal' in amongst all this.

I feel exactly the same. I'm not living the life I wanted, and am in a very similar situation with DC (although not as constant maybe.) I am completely overwhelmed with working full time, failing there and at home but no idea where or what would help change things, and no time to myself. Sorry, that sounds "me me me" - I just wanted to say you're not alone. There are others who feel the same.

ChipInTheSugar thanks, I'm already in that group and been on some training. We are trying different ways of parenting. But so much of it relies on preparing resources, social stories, visual timetables in advance and I just don't have enough time. And it also means most of our time on dd. Everything triggers her, not getting everything her way, losing a game, having to leave the house, bedtime, etc.

We are pursuing melatonin. We've changed schools and it is slightly better, but ultimately too much for her. We are going to apply for Ehcp, but she's classic masker so very unlikely. School are very supportive, but it makes her so anxious, she is terrified of everything.

It just feels like an impossible task at the moment. I stood tonight in the chaos of shouting, hitting screaming and crying, while trying to take a call from the insurance company and just thought how the fuck did I get here, how is this my life?

It sounds like you're all very stressed and anxious. Do you have any external agencies supporting you and your family - family worker , social care, autism support services etc?

If your child has asd they should be eligible for an assessment through your local children's disabilities team. This might give you all some respite.

We don't have anyone working with us. In our area everything for autism goes through Camhs, and we'll chocolate teapots and all that.

We have done some stuff with scope which has helped a little. I'll look at disability team. I don't think she'd be able to go anywhere for respite. She's not even that good at staying with DH if I have to go out somewhere. She has separation anxiety, especially wihh me.

I am so sorry OP, this all sounds incredibly tough, I don’t have any great advice unfortunately but just wanted to let you know someone is thinking of you and really hoping you find the support you all need and deserve

I hope you can find a way to take a little each week for yourself. You are coping for everyone, try and care and look after yourself too. So sorry, it sounds shit. Sometimes getting rid of a partner who it isn't working with can be a relief- don't write off separation, you deserve love and care too. And freedom if you choose it.

I did a diary of everything. Then i put tabs on the pages where he had been violent towards me, and produced it at every meeting I went to - school, Camhs, social services. I even got one episode videoed. I would see if Camhs can do more for her anxiety - it sounds like that is the root of much of the behaviour.

Again, yes, it's shit. And it's fucking unfair that this is your/our lives. But rattle some cages at CAMHS - email higher if necessary - be that squeaky wheel. It's hard and overwhelming, but unfortunately necessary.

Have you heard of Lives In the Balance/The Explosive Child? See if any of that resonates x

Have you applied for all the financial help you can get? It could mean you/DH could cut back on hours at work.

@1FineDane how did you do this?

Are you in a helping role at work by any chance? I am and have had to acknowledge that I can't deal with high pressure stuff outside the home and I'm leaving the career I refrained for. Could you find a less stressful job for the next few years?
Also you need to negotiate time away from everyone so your DH needs to agree to take them one day every weekend for example and do his fair share of bedtimes.

Also you could contact young minds and see if they can signpost anything you haven't already tried.

Sorry. It's so shit and I regularly feel the same. I have told DP That if DS is still the same when he's 13 he will have to go to residential school. I need to exist too.

If you left it would tear your children apart. And your husband would have to deal with absolutely everything.
By all means seperate and split everything 50/50. That way you both get a rest. But to just walk away would cause so much damage.

Cockerpooowner that's why I wouldn't really do it. I love them too much. But it is at my expense. I just exist now and keep going for them. There is no joy in life for me.

We very occasionally have a break for a day or two when my parents can have them (they live too far away for this to be regular). This time is wonderful, but often makes me more resentful when they come back because I realise that is the life I want.

I'm reading the explosive child at the moment. We claim DLA for her. This pays for sensory stuff, apps, and quite often the stuff she breaks.

I used to be a teacher and had to leave and now do a much less stressful job. But it's one I love and I'm loathe to leave. It's quite often the only part of my life I enjoy. When I have been part time I hated it, hated spending days just doing housework, grocery shopping and laundry.

It does help just to know other people acknowledge that it's shit.

Cockerpooowner that's why I wouldn't really do it. I love them too much. But it is at my expense. I just exist now and keep going for them. There is no joy in life for me.

We very occasionally have a break for a day or two when my parents can have them (they live too far away for this to be regular). This time is wonderful, but often makes me more resentful when they come back because I realise that is the life I want.

I'm reading the explosive child at the moment. We claim DLA for her. This pays for sensory stuff, apps, and quite often the stuff she breaks.

I used to be a teacher and had to leave and now do a much less stressful job. But it's one I love and I'm loathe to leave. It's quite often the only part of my life I enjoy. When I have been part time I hated it, hated spending days just doing housework, grocery shopping and laundry.

It does help just to know other people acknowledge that it's shit.