What can I do to make it easier for her at my wedding.

[redappleandaquamarinebow1987]

To make a long story short I am getting married next year and though not a destination wedding for over half our guest it will be for my family. Unfortunately the way my family is spread out over 3 continents no matter where I have it people will have to fly.

I asked my cousin to be my bridemaid along with DP sister who is maid of honour. DP younger brother's partner is another bridemaid. Now cousins boy is pageboy bringing the rings and her daughter is flower girl.

After 18 months yesterday my cousin told me she thinks she can't commit to being a bridesmaid. My young niece will be just under 2 at that point and nephew is 7 by then. She said she thinks it might be a bit much for her as she wants to make sure the kids are all happy etc and wants the felxibilty of dealing with any melt downs. I always had a nanny on offer for her but she expressed concern to the kids not taking to her.

After talking to my DM I do feel rather selfish and unaware of how difficult this was for her. My DM did comment I should not have invited her at all and not put her in this situation. I know the Duchess of Cambridge was not a bridemaid to her own sisters wedding so she could help the children especially Charlotte at such a young age I assume. So right now I feel like a really unthoughtful git. Other then nanny who will still be on offer and arranging her accommodation and the rest of the family by either renting a flat/house for a month or putting them in a hotel is there anything I should or could do to make it easier for a mother with two kids?

What?! I don't think you've been inconsiderate at all! Having a nanny around is very thoughtful. Saying 'of course I don't mind' about her not being bridesmaid is very thoughtful. Not inviting her would have been hurtful!

Don't think any more of it! She didn't have to accept the invitation. Have a lovely wedding

flexibility is key. with kids under 4, you just can't tell until the day before (or even on the day) if the child will be able to take part or not.

I wouldn't expect any child under 4 or 5 to do anything at a wedding aside from stick close to a parent.

the most helpful thing is to have a quiet space where the parent can to take the kids out if they get stressed / threaten a meltdown. For example, a side room where the parent can keep their buggy / a few toys / a few snacks and take a grumpy child to calm down is very useful.

It's lovely of you to put yourself in her shoes.

Perhaps you could speak to her and tell her everything you've said here, while also being clear that she can always still say no.

@parietal thank you so much for the advice. The venue does have a lot of spare rooms so will arrange one so there can be a bit of a quiet room.

Also considering having a tv room if there is a football cup game on during the reception.

@Dutch1e I did tell her if she needed anything to just let me know

@Simkin that is what I thought. I did always let her know that I will do everything to try make it as easy of a day for her as I can

What? You’ve been fine! Your DM would be saying ‘cousin is so hurt at not being invited/asked’ if you hadn’t.

Is your mum known for stirring?

@BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail no but she is not a great terms with cousin these past few months so that might have been an extra reason she said it.

That is the kind of shit my mother would come out with to mark her place in the family as the pivotal person who knows what everyone thinks and feels. She has told relatives of mine that I wouldn't want to do things that I most definitely would have wanted to do to mark her position. Now I know about it and make sure the lines of communication are open without her interference. Talk directly to your cousin and if she says she is fine with something, believe her.

You sound lovely OP, it makes a great change from the bridezillas out there!

We had a toy table at our reception for the small kids, it went down really well. If you can get a TV room even better, but really you don't need to go to such lengths, it'll be fine.

N.B. please do pay for the page boy/flower girl outfits yourself though! And obviously the bridesmaid dresses!

You should definitely have invited your cousin, your mum is being weird. I would be horrified if sometime I was close enough to to be their bridesmaid didn't invite me to their overseas wedding because I had small children.

The only thing I can think of to make it easier is to enable someone she would trust with the children - her partner, her mum etc - to be there to do the childcare. Nearly two is very small to be a flower girl. Would it make life easier if the little girl was excused flower girl duties and could spend the ceremony playing in the hall with her dad? Or could dad be allowed to walk down the aisle with her, then whisk her off somewhere quiet for the ceremony?

Have you given her lots of stewarding duties on the day like being a person people go to to ask about taxis etc? I would cancel all this if so and limit her duties to getting ready with you and walking down the aisle. And be prepared for the flower girl to need most of her attention while getting ready. You can't predict when kids are going to need you, so limiting the time she needs to be 'on' is helpful.

Oh, and don't mind if she bails out of the party early! Small children are exhausting.

Honestly, though, if she doesn't feel she can do it, it may be the most helpful thing you can do is be completely gracious and lovely about it and not make a big deal of it. I was a bridesmaid for a closer friend when DS was six months old, and though it was fine, it was quite stressful, and I did miss some of the ceremony because I was breastfeeding in a next-door room. (Had unhelpfully worn the sort of dress that I could only breastfeed in by getting half-naked - a problem that didn't occur to me until the dress was actually on.

Make it clear that, though you love her and want her to be bridesmaid, it was an invitation and she can say no without any worries.

Or suggest that she is bridesmaid, dress etc, but if on the day it doesn't work, and she ends up not walking down the aisle with you, but sitting in the congregation instead (or outside dealing with kid) that's fine. She doesn't have to be on a top table, she can sit with her family. She doesn't have to be with you before hand for hairdressing, make-up, drinks etc, if she needs to be with the kids...Just keep it casual.

My sister asked me to be bridesmaid, although we love each other dearly, I couldn't think of anything worse. I hate dresses make-up shoes etc. She was bridezilla wondering how on earth she would persuade me to do/wear everything she wanted bridesmaids to do/wear.
We danced around it for a while, with my mother checking how we both felt. But eventually she realised I was happier not doing it, and I knew that (really) she didn't want me and that was fine.

I know the Duchess of Cambridge was not a bridemaid to her own sisters wedding so she could help the children especially Charlotte at such a young age I assume.

Traditionally married women are not bridesmaids, clue is in the word 'maid'. Matron of Honour is a new American concept, for married women, it is not traditionally British so the Duchess wouldn't be a matron, neither would she be waiting on her sister. of a considerably lower rank

@sonjadog i do talk to cousin directly on messenger. I did also talk to my mum that comments like that are really not helpful. She understood and apologised she just wanted to make sure i did not get hurt or disappointed.

@HavelockVetinari thank you so much for the advice. And yes bridesmaid dresses, best man and usher, as well as page boy, flower girl outfits are all paid for by us. I would not have it any other way. They are doing this as a favour and should not be out of pocket.

@CheerfulMuddler I was fully understanding of her choice and said that if she felt it was too much I fully understand. There would have been no duties as I do have a wedding planner to manage most of the stuff and was more a symbolic role but I understand. Just asking what I can do to make the whole day as easy for her as I can even if she is not part of the bridal party. Her husband is also invited. I would never exclude a family member

@isittheholidaysyet That's what I have done last night. She is no longer a bridesmaid but I still wanted to make sure she had a nice and as relaxing of a day as she can.

@WhatsMyPassword ahh thank you for clearing that up