To expect more help from DH

[anxiouswaiting]

Probably more of a rant because I don't think I am being particularly unreasonable. Sorry it is long!

I haven't slept more than a few hours a night for weeks now. I am exhausted and close to breaking point. DH only really gets involved in nights 3 or 4 times a week and will maybe be up for 20 min to cuddle baby, if that doesn't work baby comes to me.

DH can hit the pillow and be out like a light, me I take ages to fall asleep even when exhausted. I can't sleep in the day either even when exhausted, DS only has 1 20 min nap anyway so no point even trying. I am running on empty.

Last night I felt like I couldn't go on like this anymore and just sat and cried with my 11 month old refusing to sleep. DH called work and asked to take a days annual leave at short notice saying he couldn't go in amd leave me to cope today. I thought finally he was seeing just how much I am struggling.

It all started well, he did baby breakfast and brought me coffee but at 9am I had to get up, I can't sleep in the day and live on a noisy estate. I thought I could have a slow day just sitting around, maybe read a bit of a book, aimlessly flick through facebook etc - basically I just need some downtime and he would look after baby mostly with me being there too but less involved. Baby is very demanding and clingy through the day too and I am struggling every day.

Well so far today DH has had a nice 1.5 hour nap, sat and played games on his phone and now declared he is tired and his back aches so he is going to go and have a nice radox bath. He says he is tired from being up in the right, he was up maybe an hour, I know because I was up for pretty much all of it and unless he snores like a beast while he is awake he was def asleep!

Well thanks for all the support today! I don't think IABU to expect him to actually give me some down time today, but maybe I am wrong? I thought it was the whole point of him taking short notice holiday.

It's the tip of the iceburg really as I have been saying he doesn't do enough of the baby care since baby arrived, but since I was on mat leave I felt like I couldn't complain too much. He does bath time and 5 out of 7 days he puts baby to bed - he goes down easy the first time, it is keeping him there that is the issue! He does housework, but I have to ask and it tends to be the minimum to make the house presentable, he never cooks, ever, says he can't and refuses to learn. I know ot is probably becauase I am tired but it is getting harder and harder to see why I love him and want to be his wife and that makes me really sad.

I just feel so exhausted and broken. Even feel like I don't want to be married to him anymore because at least if it was just me and baby I wouldn't expect help and be constantly disappointed.

I know I could have just gone out and left him to it but that isn't relaxing for me, I am a home person and I am tired.

AIBU to consider telling him things need to change or I might have to consider leaving?

Is the baby breast fed?

I was trying really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt and then I got to this:

he never cooks, ever, says he can't and refuses to learn

In context, he's nasty. This is deliberate behaviour, not someone who's clueless.

He clearly has no respect for you and very little care either.

You shouldn't have to ask him to pull his weight, and on the occasions he contributes a little it's not "help", it's what he's supposed to do. It would only be help if all the childcare, housework, cooking and general grunt work is your sole responsibility rather than both of yours. Did he hire you as his nanny, housekeeper and personal cook?

Have you spoken to him about any of this? What did he say? Has he ever changed in response to you speaking to him about any part of this? (And by changed, I mean permanently and fully, not a token gesture for a few weeks before reverting to the same old).

Your assessment of how much easier your life would be without him does sadly sound accurate. Based on what you've described.

How hard is it to shove food in oven and heat as instructed? I'm sure he can basically do that.

He sounds like a knob

Who cooked his meals and cleaned up after him before you came along? Mummy?
I find a lot of these men are more than capable of living alone and looking after themselves until they find a woman and have a child.
Or they turn into arseholes because "your not working"

Are you going back to work soon, assuming you took a year off. It would probably do you the world of good tbh just having a break from baby.

Did you voice your ideas of what you would have liked to have happened today? Or did you think this idiot would guess?

Time for another chat. You somehow have to get through to him about how tired you are and how much you need a break. Tell him you are going off him!

Be clear about what you want - and get it. You are a homebird, so could he take the baby out? Could you be upstairs, not sleeping if you can't , but resting/reading etc, while he looks after the baby downstairs?

Be clear about what you want and demand it!!

OP are you working as well or a stay at home parent?
Curious because you say he does half (3-4 a week) of nights, and most (5 out of 7) bath and bedtimes. He does housework, but not to your standards. He doesn't prepare meals. He's taken a last minute day off to support you, you got out of bed at 9am and are disappointed with his level of help.
To me, if you're at home, that seems like a reasonable split.
Appreciate that if you're struggling to sleep everything feels harder but how much more are you expecting him to do? Honestly, lack of sleep seems to be the bigger issue. Could that be causing resentment?

Life is hard when you have a demanding baby. Your dh probably don't know what to do. Also l know it's more harder on you. My only advice here as I also have had a demanding baby. Is to support each other and not let the stress get to you and communicate. When you get sooooooo tired you don't think as well as you would if you had a full nights sleep. Try not to be hasty and try to rationalise things.

@Countrylifeornot yes breastfeeding but he only feeds around mid-night and 6.30am after he has gone to bed so it isn't feeds getting me up, its a combination of him not being a good sleeper and he is teething.

@eladen @Shoxfordian I have tried showing him simple recipes, got meal kits and things like a chicken curry using a jar sauce, still says he can't do it.

@Whatsnewpussyhat Yes he lived at home and mummy did everything. I used to work nights amd when I was at work if I hadn't been able to leave food he would get a takeaway. Any suggestion that he does food leads to takeaway, cooking isn't an option.

My maternity leave is over now, I am on annual leave which I had to put onto the end of my mat leave or lose it. I also do self employed work which I habe done throughout my maternity, so never actually been a stay at home parent, literally had 3 weeks off working after I had baby. In 2 weeks time I will be working both an employed and a self employed job.

I guess I could have been more explicit, I said it would be good to just relax a bit and not be in constant demand and mabe I could read some of the book I borrowed from a friend when baby was 6 weeks old and I am only 11 pages into - he laughed at that but in a nice way, I genuinely thought he would give me some time to read.

You are right, I need to be very clear and have a chat, again. It just feels like we have had it so many times and nothing changes.

@1stmonkey I am working but from home as I freelance/self-employed but also have an employed job that I am on annual leave for.

In terms of the split, he does 1 of the night wakes 3-4 times a week, I do the other 5iah times he wakes up on those same nights in addition to every wake on the other nights.

When I say he does housework I don't mean not to my standards I mean the minimim he can get away with eg. please help with the lounge, he will put baby toys away and hoover, I still have to dust, skirting, windows etc unless I specifically ask for a certain task to be done. He never does bathrooms, bedrooms etc I have to ask him to load the dishwasher.

This mornings 'lie-in was 7.45 -9am' as he didn't get up till 7.45 so that was 1 hour amd 15 min of 'support' that I have had today.

He won't change. Mummy's boys rarely do. You can do all these chats, communication, etc from now until the world ends but this is who he is. He doesn't give a shit and sees lifework as women's work.

It's utter bullshit he 'just doesn't know what to do', how did you figure it out? I grew up with my mother doing everything and guess what? I managed to become an independent adult who learned to feed herself without takeaways and not live in a hovel, all by myself! Didn't even have the internet back then and I and millions of others figured it out because, well, it's not hard.

STOP leaving food, asking, that sort of shit. Just tell him.

And don't procreate with him again. He'll never get better.

YANBU but if he fundamentally just doesn’t think he should have to do it, there’s not much you can do to make him care more.

It’s maybe worth one big, serious conversation about it. Get someone else to look after the baby for an hour or two if you can. Make it clear you are not just letting off steam, that you and he have a big big problem here and it needs sorting out right now for the sake of your marriage. Tell him outright that you’ve thought about leaving just so you don’t have to feel let down all the time. Then ask him what he proposes to do about this and don’t accept “yeah yeah, I’ll try harder” or “you just have to ASK me if you want help cleaning!” as an answer.

I'd have a word with him.

My LOs dad sounds very similar (ex now) I did majority of things while on maternity because... I was home and he went to work (couldn't wait to get back to work, be was fed up after a week and only had 2 off). I ended up 'taking over' stuff because he struggled or got frustrated with our LO and it was hard to watch. When I went back to work I always walked in on him doing the house work (I went back doing 12 hour days + travelling, working full time, he also worked full time but usually 9-5). Everytime LO cried in the night I would swear he was pretending to sleep, he got up sometimes but again I ended up going to sort LO after too much crying. If I got a lie in, I could hear the carry on downstairs, so there was no way I could sleep anyway. We separated at 1.5 years. It's very very tough, but also easier because I don't have someone there who should be helping out but isn't, Instead, it's down to me and only me to sort LO out. if something isn't done it's me that hasn't done it and has to do it, my house is as I like it, it gets tidied first thing, because I can't relax if it's a mess (though it sometimes gets a mess, and toys being out doesn't count, my house is covered in them, I mean washing up, clothes washing etc/chores)
When we were going out with LO I used to get showered first, ex used to play games on phone/Xbox, then I'd get out of the shower to do make up and hair, and he would get in, but LO wouldn't be dressed or washed, he would get out, I'd be half getting LO ready and half getting myself ready. He would be back playing games, I'd then ask if the bag is ready to go out, nappies, clothes etc, it never was. He didn't know what we needed to take. Crazy when I think back on it. He sees LO a couple of nights every week and I now get 'me' time, which was very very rare before. But it's hard. When LO tantrums, there is only me to sort it out and no breathing space.

I'd have the talk. See what happens and what works best for you going forward. What you can and cannot put up with in a relationship and decide from there.

Kick him into the speaker room and put the baby in bed with you.

Not a long-term solution, but might be helpful for your well-being in the short term.

*spare room

Its not help, the bloody word is parenting - fed up with women saying they asked their partner for help, really pisses me off.

Thanks op. It is hard, i wasn't trying minimise and i do sympathise.
It does seem that when you're not so exhausted you feel more able and do more. Maybe he has just got used to that and isn't noticing that you need more support. In an ideal world he'd recognise that you'e struggling and do more but that's clearly not going to happen.
If you know that asking/telling him what to do gets results, could you consider giving him a list. Literally "these are the things i need you to do on a daily, weekly, monthly basis".
Of course you shouldn't have to but if you want things to change maybe it's an option. At least then he can't complain you haven't been clear?