To think my little girl prefers nursery?

[Workingmum8]

I know this isn’t really AIBU but I’m struggling with this and not sure where to post!

DD is 14 months old, always been incredibly hyperactive and hard work- especially when compared to friends/ families babies who seem so calm and content. I worry that there’s a problem as she is restless and unhappy much of the time.

I spend my days off and mornings with her screaming at me, clinging to my leg, having tantrums over every little thing.

It’s so bad, that I’m thinking of giving up work for a while as the morning routine is so hard. Then I could focus on days out, toddler groups etc. and not worry about having to get out the door.

But, nursery say she is happy. They never mention that she’s been crying all day. She seems to play with the others kids and she’s fine when I drop her off- especially if it’s her key worker there.

So am I the problem? Does she just like being at nursery? If I were a SAHM would she chill out or will she miss out on being a nursery?

I honestly don’t know what I do but I don’t understand why she only seems to be like this when she’s with me.

Any experiences or suggestions welcome.

Hi OP

14 to 18 months is a tricky age in my opinion - personally I found it harder than the so-called terrible twos. The problem is that she can't yet communicate what she wants.

I don't think you should give up work, especially if she enjoys nursery - it will not necessarily make things easier, and you may end up regretting it.

It's very normal for kids to behave better for nursery than for their mum so don't worry too much about that.

Hang in there and I hope things improve for you soon.

Oh op I did smile at your post, not in a nasty way, just in a 'we have all been there way.' Six children in (some now adults) and I can assure you the answer to many angst ridden child related dilemmas is 'children are just arseholes!' Honestly, accept that part and parenting gets easier.

A more serious answer is, she likes nursery, yes. But she behaves because you've taught her well and she knows how to. At home she feels comfortable, relaxed, safe and so she lets go a bit because she can and that's ok. Christ, if I went into work and said half the things about work situations that I rant on about at home I'd be sacked!

Take comfort that you're raising a normal child, she enjoys nursery and you can earn enough money to buy the wine you need.

Just out of interest, if she’s challenging on your days off why do you think it would be better being a sahm? I found that having a break made me more patient on my non working days. In a year or so, the benefits of nursery will be huge and it’s easier to see the positive impact it can have with slightly bigger toddlers.

Do not give up work. You will regret it. Go part time if you can and want to. A nursery that your child loves is a godsend.

Your dd is a normal toddler. They get frustrated and need constant attention and stimulation. It sounds like her nursery is addressing these needs wonderfully. It's easier for them - they are geared up to plan activities and have lots of staff with energy - as its their job!

It does get easier. Try and make mornings as easy as possible, get everything organised the night before so you just have to get dressed, fed and go. Put the TV on if she will sit for a bit and watch it. I've got 3 dcs who watched a LOT of tv and they are all well rounded people with jobs and stuff.

As per previous poster this is a shambolic age and they want to do things that aren’t physically possible. My DD was the same. She did not want to be a baby so whilst other babies lay there nicely she was crazed and craving more more more!!
Over time I have reflected and seen the similarities with myself. I hunger for new information and love activity. DD is the same. Neither of us are still for long.
She was without fault at nursery but they save all their faults for mummy, because they know we love them warts and all.
DC’s brains are not fully developed and they cannot be reasoned with. In my job I have to deal with MH patients (sec 136), intoxicated and violent persons etc and often my DD’s behaviour reminds me of work a great deal TBH

Just out of interest, if she’s challenging on your days off why do you think it would be better being a sahm?

That’s a good question. It’s partly because I find mornings so stressful. Waking up around 5am then wrestling a toddler is so hard. Then I get to work at 8.30 and I’m rushed off my feet for the next 9 hours.

I only work three days which is great but I guess I feel like I’m missing out on the fun stuff because I’m stressed. Work is condensed into those days and it’s full on. I suppose if I was a SAHM I could just focus my full attention on DD and nothing else.

Thanks everyone for your posts it has made me feel better. DD is doing amazing and is so advanced but I worry I’m not spending enough time with her so maybe that’s why she gets so unhappy. She has always been a human tornado. I would compare her to Donnie from the Wild Thornbury’s!

OP don’t give up work. If you do you’ll end up having a high energy toddler clinging to you all day every day rather than just in the mornings and evenings. Work is your respite from it and your DD is very happy at nursery! Don’t change that.

What do you need for mornings to be easier?

I agree with the PP who found 14-18 month harder. My DD is 2 and although has tantrums and has become defiant having good speech and much better understanding of things has made things MUCH easier than when she was younger. She too loves nursery (as do I- hats off to you for considering it but I could never be a SAHM I need adult interaction!). Its not that she prefers nursery but more than the structure and social norms (even that young) means she will mirror peers and follow the routine they have. For example DD naps like a dream at nursery but unless I nap with her in our bed she often doesn't want to at home without 20 other kids demonstrating that behaviour. Frustrating but completely normal!

It seems really illogical to think that the solution to finding time at home with toddler stressful is to have more of it!

Are you a single parent? If not, what is your DH doing in the mornings?

I don't aim to get any housework at all done on my day off with my toddler, it's all about quality time with him. As a SAHM, that would be a lot harder.

OP it doesn't seem that money is an issue, so drop the condensed days and do sta Dard days if at all possible. It'll buy you some wriggle room in the morning, either to get the whirlwind to nursery or to stop and have a coffee after dropping her off so you can ragain your sanity.
My dd was an arse hole at this stage, couldn't make her desires known, was hugely frustrated. It's just a phase, it'll pass.

Agree with everyone else - don't give up work! My DS was like that at that age, it seemed he much preferred the constant activity at nursery to being at home. We had to be constantly "on" at home with activities etc and he would run around like the Tasmanian Devil wherever we went and it was a constant battle of wills where I had to outstubborn the tantrums. (I could and did, but DH found it very hard going on the weekends and would get upset and give in.)

It gets much easier and more pleasant after 3, but certainly there's a period with toddlers where it's just hard work. My mum used to say she couldn't leave the house when the kids were between 1.5 and 2.5!

If finances allow, could you put her in nursery for another day or half day a week? Give yourself a morning to decompress and gather yourself, tidy the house and plan an activity and it might give you a bit of breathing space. And you know she is safe, happy and being looked after.

Mine was a whirlwind and I honestly don’t know how I’d cope without nursery. She needs more stimulation than I can give her on my own and at 3 just adores her nursery friends. I kept her in nursery through my mat leave with no.2 as I knew she’d be miserable if she couldn’t go. Try and think long-term. Working with a toddler is really hard but you’ve got a good balance with 3 days.

DH works away a lot and leaves early so it’s mostly me in the mornings.

I feel like there’s no end in sight as she’s never been easy. Screamed non stop till 11 months when she could confidently walk.

I know it seems nuts to want to be a SAHM but I keep thinking maybe I would get her on good days then when she’s relaxed rather than overtired from nursery routine and we could plan the day around her.

It’s just all so hard. Feel like it’s a juggling act and I’m crumbling. The house is always a absolute state and I feel like I never have the time or energy to do anything about it.

Honestly OP, I really doubt that she'd suddenly become much easier if you were a SAHM. Don't worry about the state of the house. Push on through this tricky time and remember it will get easier!

I'm going to go against the trend here and say I think if you want to be a SAHM and you're financially able to be then absolutely go for it. They really are only little for such a short time and if the time you're spending with her now is frazzled and you're also run off your feet whilst at work then it's obviously not working for you.

I'm frequently baffled that some people think being a SAHM prevents you from speaking to other adults during daylight hours. If you're organised and do a mix of groups, activities, time with friends etc then it can really fulfilling for you and DC.

I found 14-20 months the hardest. Now DS is my little pal and I really miss him when I'm at work! It does get easier!

Push on through this tricky time and remember it will get easier!

Thank you. I hope so.

leafyskyline that’s very true I was definitely more sociable on mat leave than I am at work. Work is so rushed that I barely get to chat to my colleagues anyway!