At what point is it appropriate to stop contact

[Grenich]

If at all in this situation?

Very long story short, I became pregnant with 3 year old dd during a brief relationship which i ended before she was born. Her father harassed me to the point that police became involved and I agreed to stay in touch solely on matter relating to dd.

When she was born he denied paternity but this was proved via dna test. I never stopped him from seeing her but he didn’t bother till she was 8months old and contact has been extremely sporadic ever since. I have never placed any block to contact despite his behaviour towards me.

He does not have parental responsibility and is not on the birth certificate (as he was at that time denying paternity and not wanting to see her) contact has been for a few hours on 3 occasions in the last year, he asked for it to be monthly but he usually cancels. He asked to FaceTime her once a week but normally only bothers about once a month.

His contact and requests for contact in person and by phone are decreasing over time. I have always accommodated it when asked for as I would ideally like her to have a good relationship with him and put aside my own feelings. But she’s 3, and barely knows him.

She’s a happy girl with a loving family on my side and wants for nothing. At some point do I tell him that it’s regular, reliable contact or nothing? He would then have to go to court.

Please don’t flame me, I have only wanted what is best for her regardless of how I feel about him and wanted to give their relationship a chance but he is not trying and surely that’s not good for her either?

I can completely understand why you feel that way Grenich as beyond doing what’s best for your daughter, you are of course still in a way being controlled by him and his whims.

I don’t personally have experience in this area, but I would say perhaps you need to seek legal help on getting contact guidelines in place. For example, FaceTiming at a specific time each week when convenient to your daughters schedule and the same for contact. The courts will look at what’s best for your DD and take in to account her schedule etc. Unfortunately the law here I think is not clear cut. If you decide to cut contact, he may not bother or he may take you to court in which case he’ll have to agree to a contact plan.

I would certainly, initially make the contact official, if you haven’t already. And then go from there?

he sounds very flaky but sadly even the courts can't make him see his dc if he doesn't want to.dd has a lovely family she'll know who's there for her as she grows up.

Thank you @MyHeartIsInCornwall. I have to admit engagimg with him even on a formal level stresses me out so much due to the history. But yes I think I need to get legal advice.

And thanks @littlepaddypaws

I did this with my ex, he has seen my children 3 times in 2 years. The last time he saw them I said he needed to see them consistently or not at all, he decided not to see them, so be prepared for that.

Your DD needs consistency, this will become more prevalent the older she gets. You need to seek legal counsel really. I think legally speaking since he has no PR, he has no rights to visitation. The only way he would gain rights is through the courts.

You need to tell him he’s either consistently there for her or he isn’t at all. This current set up just isn’t fair on her.

You're best off cutting contact now, before his inconsistency & broken promises impact your little girl's confidence & wellbeing.
She doesn't need this flake in her life, & you are going to feel much better for not having to deal with him.

Thank you, this is what I feel too. I hate the fact that I feel daunted by standing up to him, I know he will react angrily and try to intimidate me and I get huge anxiety about it. But the most important thing is to protect my dd and it doesnt look as though there is any hope of a good relationship so I need to put an end to contact unless it’s court ordered and regular

If his requests are decreasing then as long as she's not upset by the Facetimeing I'd just let it die a death naturally.

Keep a diary of his contact with her in case you need it in future (keep a note of how long the Facetime is for and how it ends - my ex said in court that I would do "exciting" things in the background to distract the girls) to show that you always facilitated it.

Thanks, good advice

I'm not sure that a dad who gets in touch with you once a month is actually worse than one you have no contact with.

@Hopesorfears I agree

Needs to support the child financially either way in my opinion. It's important to separate the issue of being financially responsible vs wanting to be emotionally evolved.

I thought you posted the opposite!
I think a bit of a crap dad (as long as he's not violent or anything) is still someone to have in your life and is easier to deal with than no dad at all. Obviously you cannot rely on him/coming to see her etc and need to manage her expectations, basically so she has none! It's a sad situation.

@Hopesorfears sorry I misunderstood what you said. I think being constantly let down by your dad is probably worse than no contact, but it’s not an easy thing to predict how either will affect her.

@msmith501 yes, he’s currently stopped paying maintenance but it’s with the CMS so hopefully they will step in

I have this exact situation. Visits were meant to be once a month, but he hasn’t seen Ds, who’s 7 now, since June. Ds has now blocked his dad on his iPad and won’t be persuaded to unblock him to talk to him.

Ds dad blames me for blocking contact, despite me offering to pay for him to visit fortnightly and him cancelling the last few visits despite me literally begging him not to let Ds down.

The effects of his unreliability are horrible, Ds loves his dad, but has no trust in him and hid under the bed the last time he visited.

I used to lie to Ds and say his dad had sent postcards / bars of chocolate / called to ask about his day, but I felt I was setting him up for a fall. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have encouraged the contact I did, as Ds is more damaged now than if we had never gone down this path.

So basically, I’m sorry, it’s shit. I wish we had a way to protect our children, and I do think the slow eroding of the relationship is worse than if contact had just been cut.

@twirlypoo thank you, I’m sorry you and your ds have gone through that

I’ll make an appointment to see my solicitor

I have to disagree with @Hopesorfears, perhaps if it's very established that contact is once a month, the dad is extremely reliable on those occasions and there is a good reason for the long absences that the child can understand. But being constantly let down and having a dad who is kind of in your life but apparently doesn't care about seeing you very much is much, much more difficult for a child to accept than the idea that they just have the family that is consistently there for them.

Definitely think you are doing the right thing OP, your daughter is very young and will barely remember him after a clean break, much less damaging than spending her life trying to get an inconsistent father to love her more, as she will see it. for you