Emotional affair over or not . What is this?

[Thumbelinasmum]

While I didn’t realise it at the time, I was part of an emotional affair . It had all the hallmarks of an emotional affair and never went physical . I thought innocently that it was a very deep and intimate friendship with a man.at ones I thought it was too intense and I was receiving too many late night and early morning messages and phone calls . I thought lines were blurred . It was uncomfortable as we work together. I often told him how attracted I was to other men , as I never saw it as sexual . He often told me I was attractive etc but never made a move nor did I. I didn’t see my friemd in this way sexually.he did see me in this way in retrospect. Fast forward a year and he may a lady and started to date her . He sought advice and counsel which I offered regularly. He was keen to tell me how relaxed and casual he was about his girlfriend and his actions led me to believe that he was truthful. He continued to message throughout the days and night, compliment me and would sometimes cringingly put me on a pedestal. I played it down alwayss. A few months into their relationship , he started to detach and I was totally ok with this. It was a break from the constant supporting and counsel he needed for a whole host of other reasons. He said that we were right to pull away from
Eachother as it was healthy. I totally agreed and said it was now inapproproate.i felt happy and hoped we could move back to original friendship.
The problem is that he has all this contact
Once more . The contact. The inappropriate texts that can verge on sexual . I am keeping it strictly professional at work but I think he is trying to reel me back in. Does this sound like what’s happening please. I
Don’t want to walk this path again but am in a fog .

You were both single right? So it wasn't an affair, unless I'm missing something.

But if you don't want this sort of attention you don't have to put up with it. Options are either to tell him straight up, or to try and make it obvious in the way you respond - i.e. not replying straight away, when you do reply keep it short and don't leave him an opening for more conversation etc.

Text:

I am uncomfortable with certain aspects of your communication which I have found inappropriate. Please restrict your messages solely to things you would be fine with saying to Dwayne Johnson, were he your colleague.

If he persists after this, raise it with whoever is responsible for HR (if you're feeling generous, you could warn him first).

Gradually withdraw if you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to answer messages. It does sound as though you had a good friendship with an undercurrent of attraction but nothing really happened.

I’ve done that and he stopped for a while . I thought it was an emotional affair because he was going out with a girl

That’s exactly what happened @Rachelover60. It couldn’t happenbecause I couldn’t commit to anything

I fell into a situation like this. He had a long distance online girlfriend and in retrospect I think he was using me as a substitute whilst they were apart. We started off as friends then became inseparable and I, stupidly, fell in love. I never told him and I think both of us felt as long as we never kissed or engaged in any sexual activity that it was ok and we weren’t hurting anyone. Not true. I was left devastated (6 years on, I’m still not over it) and although his now fiancée doesn’t know I even exist I’m sure she’d be really hurt too if she ever found out. Like you he initiated a lot of the inappropriate stuff, was constantly texting, snap chatting etc, was very touch feely, made it clear he wanted to spend time just the two of us away from work (and towards the end we did, several times a week), wanted to stay up talking just the two of us till the early hours etc.

At that time, one of my closest friends advised me to send her an email as if I was writing to him, getting everything off my chest. She read it and said I needed to send it to him but I never did. I found it the other day when I was changing phones and transferring emails.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t send it. I really should have. It explained my feelings about the mixed messages, how difficult it was at work and how I thought he would behave differently if his girlfriend were there and that I needed him to back off. I said that I wanted to be respectful of his relationship and that his behaviour was difficult to cope with. At the same time, I explained that I didn’t want things to be awkward for us or our colleagues and that I didn’t want an atmosphere. I laid out the behaviour that needed to stop I.e no physical contact (hugs etc), no time alone or social time outside of work, no texting unless it’s strictly work related, he’d have to arrange travel (I drove him to and from work) etc.

Anyway, it seemed really sensible and as I say, I really should have sent it. I understand how an emotional affair can creep up on you. I saw the signs emerging with another colleague recently and now I am aware of what can happen I’ve managed to shut it right down in the early stages. It’s not easy but it’s doable.

I think it sounds like he was initially attracted to you and that you sort of rebuffed him due to your circumstances? The man I mentioned used to get so angry and upset when he thought I was dating (even though he had a girlfriend!). It’s possible that the whole girlfriend situation was an attempt to either make you jealous or move on from you. There seems to be some attraction on his part. Either that or he just enjoys the game playing. Bottom line is, if it’s affecting you at work it’s really not ok and you need to make that clear.

Thanks. THat s s heart wrenching story