Dropping 11 month off at nursery

[CathyandHeathcliff]

DS starts officially on Thursday and despite lots of settling in sessions he’s extremely distressed when we approach the building and he realises where we’re going, it was the final settling in session this morning and he’s been happy all morning, as soon as he saw the building he was howling.

I’m also concerned that I’ve made him anxious and have issues with separation/socialising with other babies. Usually he loves the playgroups and stay & play groups we attend, but since the settling in sessions he cries when I put him down to play at the playgroups and baby groups. Yesterday we went to one and it was as though he thought I was going to leave him and he was really distressed, putting his arms up for a cuddle and didn’t want to go & play with the other children like he normally does.

I’m not sure what to do. I need to go back to work for at least 10 weeks or I need to pay some of my maternity pay back.

At the moment I’m working three days, he’s with his grandparents one day and going to be with nursery for two. He’ll be with me for four, including weekends.

Any ideas on this?

This sounds like most children initially! My friends children used to hold on to her legs crying. They get used to it. You’re the one who needs to be brave.

What do you do/say to him when he starts to get upset?

You nerd to be happy and positive and talk about all the fun he'll have

Hand him to the staff and wave goodbye all happy. If you are negative ot wortied he'll pick up on it.

11 konths is a hard age yo start nursery because of seperation anxiety

Take him, leave him, and walk out the door. Do not prolong drop offs; it will just make it worse. Brutally, you need to work so he needs to get used to it.

Is he upset when he’s there or just when you leave? Because if it’s the latter I wouldn’t worry

Most babies this age will do it! It's completely normal. My DS went to a CM at 11 months and he cried the instant DH approached the door. A few weeks down the line and he was so happy to go to her. Babies don't automatically assume they're safe. They've only ever learnt to feel safe around us. My concern would have kicked in if after a good number of weeks there was no change.

You need to talk to the nursery staff about this. They'll completely understand. They should have ideas for how to make this transition easier for both of you. Does your ds have security toy or blanket or songs or routines he can have at nursery to give him comfort? It's very hard to leave your baby in the care of others Talk to them and trust your instincts. Hope it all works out. Ask them if you can phone in to check how he's settled in after you've left. Most nurseries are fine with this.

I understand and kind of new he would be like this as nursery, but his about his recent reaction at stay & plays at playgroups? This is a new reaction since the settling in sessions, unless it’s simply coincidence.

It’s horrible isn’t it. My dd is 20 months and just moved to a new nursery due to house move and cries every morning at drop off. Also generally more clingy, wants picking up more etc, so I think what you describe is a normal reaction when they’re feeling unsettled. Hoping she’ll be fine in a few weeks!

@PotteringAlong He cries when we approach the building, when I leave him and when I pick him up. They told me he’s okay on and off during the time I’m not there. His key worker said he was looking at books and playing and then suddenly realises neither me or his dad are there and starts crying again. He also doesn’t like to be with anyone except his key worker and cries if the other adults speak to him.

This is an age when separation anxiety typically kicks in so some of this behaviour will be just a normal developmental milestone. He breezy and cheery and quick at drop off-ideally key worker will take him and distract him. Any upset will be v short lived and it will improve with repetition. Also, no one remembers being 10 months. He won’t hate you!

My daughter was the same when she started nursery and became quite clingy. The first nursery wasn't great and she never really settled, but when I changed her nursery it was so much better. She was still quite clingy to her key worker to begin with but soon settled in.

I was always told to make sure even when she was upset at drop off always be full of smiles and tell her what fun she was going to have with all her friends. And I made sure I never said I was going to miss her or anything like that. She's older now but even days when she's not there she will ask to go and see her friends, and when her dad drops her in she runs in without a backward glance. It does get easier with the right nursery

@Jollitwiglet I’m worried we’ll need to find another nursery.
However the reason we chose this one is that it’s small and only has 25 children and they’re not all there at any one time. They go on several outings and seem like a small close team.

It's totally normal I'm afraid. It's likely to continue, at least at the point of drop off.

Find a technique that works for you both:

• Fast: go in, hug and kiss, leave
• Slow: go in, get comfy, get them comfy and interested in something, then hug kiss and leave.

My daughter at 2.5 still makes it clear she'd rather be with me than go to nursery but has a fantastic time once I've actually gone. She started at 7 months and would cry almost to the point of hyperventilating to begin with.

I believe children learn a lot about other people and society at nursery and it can really complement their development.

Equally, if you are not ready for them to go yet, could you make a payment plan to repay the maternity pay?