AIBU to end marriage and break my kids Hearts

[Mnettergogetter]

Married for 8 years, have 3kids:7,5,2. They are my world. Dh and I have worked hard in our careers to be able to provide them with an idyllic upbringing. But between dh and I it has been me who has put my life and career on hold. Although I still work 5 days, with prioritising maternity leaves and school pick ups I chose to forfeit further career progression but still have a successful and stressful job. I support DH so that he can continue to excel at his career.as well as working 5 days I do all housework, diy, admin, holiday plans, childcare & homework & extracurricular activities .DH’s life has not changed at all apart from doing the school drop off. He still continues all hobbies and socialising as well as frequently working away from home.Not only that, I can’t trust him to leave the kids with him-he is useless-ie withhomework-he doesn’t do it right. He drops the children off at school with no coats on wet days/no hair brushed/never brushes their teeth if putting them to bed. He is so rude to me in front of them. I have become bad cop who sets rules and because he has disposable income and buys them everything with no discipline or rules they love him. It’s miserable. I have tried to put aside my complaints and be grateful for 3happy children but I’m running myself into the ground trying to raise my 3 children like this.
I keep thinking I should leave him, give up work and let him pay maintenance. At least then I wouldn’t be an exhausted bitter mum. I would move to live closer to my family.The only thing that’s keeping me in the marriage is the poor standards they would have if we shared custody. They would not be in danger but His family have mental health issues and ss were involved. I just don’t want my children around them without me there.
On the surface we look like the perfect family-I suppose we are. Are there others in a similar situation? I don’t have a social life. I lost most friends when I had children and I’m so tired to start.

So sorry to hear what an awful time you’re having. It may be that leaving is the only way to get treated the way you deserve to, but I assume you’ve considered relationship counselling? Does he have any idea that you’re considering leaving?

So you've essentially got 4 kids there OP,

Hopefully someone will come along & write this better than i can but has it ever occured to you he does those things with the children/housework so that you just take over and do it "properly" I assume he doesnt go to work without making himself look presentable?

It wouldnt break the kids hearts, kids are quite resiliant. If hes rude to you infront of them what is that teaching the kids? That its alright to be rude to mum,

Try marrige counselling if you think it will work, if it was me id move closer to my family & have supportive people around you all,

You have to take some responsibility for him doing so little. Why would you martyr yourself and give up opportunities to step up in your career AND do all the DIY, housework, admin, holiday planning, childcare etc? That isn't normal. Usually there's some sort of division of chores. Doesn't he ever want to be involved in any of these things at all?

My DM was a SAHP and took over virtually all the running of the home to the extent my DF would come home and find the whole house re-carpetted.

If this situation has come about from his wishes that you do all this then that is grossly unfair and, combined with him not speaking nicely to you, I would leave him. I would, however, try and work out if he says nasty things because of feeling disempowered by you.

If you do leave you will have to accept he can take the DC to see his family. I don't think them having MH issues should be such a great concern (we all need to be more aware of these to get rid of the stigma) but obviously ss involvement is and will need to be discussed with him.

If you still love him, it may be worthwhile having couples counselling which could address the imbalance in chores and consequently your relationship.

You're not really doing yourself any favours doing his parental job for him, even if he does poorly taking care of them, he'll eventually learn. He's relying on you and when you make him do his job, he doesn't care because some how he feels it is your responsibility!

The fact he still does his socialising and not taking proper care of his family is because you've given him the opportunity to escape.

I think before you consider breaking your house apart, review your attitude towards him, he might be useless, because you've made him dependent on you. Let him do his job even if he does it poorly, and take care of yourself, cuz clearly you're not doing that.

He does sound horrible.

Do you think there is a way to salvage things? When you say he has disposable income, that implies you dont? So do you do everything to support his career and hobbies and he keeps all his money to himself?

Woukd he go to counselling? In the mean time I would
Get a cleaner and gardener etc, anything to make your life easier
Try and see if you can go out a bit more. They should be ok with him a couple of hours and it might do you the world of good to see friends etc
Dig into his finances and keep evidence of everything
Go and see a solicitor

Ugh so sorry OP, you poor thing. What a entitled awful man your "D"H sounds, you can't and shouldn't go on allowing someone to treat you that way. No respect at all. Something has to got to give

"On the surface we look like the perfect family-I suppose we are."
This statement shows how skewed your views are if you think you are the perfect family. Your family is clearly nowhere near perfect.

No disclipine from one parent and being able to have whatever they want isn't a good combination. It might be the only way your DH feels he gets a look-in with the DC.

"because he has disposable income and buys them everything with no discipline or rules they love him"
They probably love him because he's their dad and not just because he buys them things, just as they love you.

It won't break your kids hearts. It will make them sad and unsettled and confused for a bit. However if you and your husband can behave decently towards one another and settle things amicably the kids will soon settle into a new routine. You will probably also find your husband is far better at looking after the kids without you to pick up the slack.

I divorced my non-working lazy husband fairly recently (I asked him to leave in October and the divorce was finalised in March). We were friendly about it. He finally got a job and a flat and does a far better job of looking after DD on his own than he ever did when we lived together.

She was very upset of the first 2 - 3 months. Then it was intermittent for a bit. within 6 months she was back to normal and now she is much happier (not living in a bit of an atmosphere). She loves spending time with her Dad but is fine with us living apart. She nagged me into inviting him for lunch this last weekend - it was just as uncomfortable as the last few months of marriage were and even DD noticed. She said maybe we were better not hanging out together!!

Beware thoughts of huge amounts of maintenance though.. Depends on your DHs earnings. Go see a solicitor and work out what you might be entitled to. Just be aware that if he behaves like a dick it might take many months for you to see a penny.

"Not only that, I can’t trust him to leave the kids with him-he is useless-ie withhomework-he doesn’t do it right. He drops the children off at school with no coats on wet days/no hair brushed/never brushes their teeth if putting them to bed."

Surely this is neglect?
How likely is it that he would get 50% custody if this is how he treats them? In fact, how likely is he to even petition for that much contact since he seems value them so little?

Don't let them grow up thinking that this is normal. See a solicitor asap.

What do you mean "he has disposable income." Don't you both have disposable income if you're married???