Teenager budget am I being too generous £200?

[Nononoandno]

I’m single mum one 16 year old son who goes on and on about his dad paying £400 maintenance and he gives the impression he thinks I spend it 🤔(soo not true). I know for a fact my son doesn’t add up/realise the money that is spent on him on a day to day basis so for transport, clothes, trainers, cinema, days out, pizzas out with his friends, snacks Xbox subscription phone etc.... I’m thinking of giving him £200 per month so at the beginning of each month and tell him that is it and he has to buy all the above including lunches (but not holidays). I think it would teach him an important budgeting lesson... what are your thoughts? Has anyone done anything similar?

Probs should point out, this isn't maintenance though, still married to their Dad. There is nothing at all wrong with you spending maintenance on what you need for him including things like mortgage etc.

Separate to his crap about the maintenance though, I would give him pocket money to cover all those extras you mention. At 16, he really ought to be managing that himself..

"He doesn't see how that relates to him"

There's the problem.

He has no sense of anything if he doesn't know that he eats food and uses power.

@thebakerwithboobs is right about how frugal they are when it is their own money! I gave my dc’s £100 spending money for each of our breaks this summer. They carefully consider every purchase they made. On the first break dd bought me a present on the last day. She brought £40
Home from the second, and we’d even spent over an
Hour in Hamleys!

Cash is harder for children and adults to spend with than cards. It is psychological
By all means give him a cash allowance
But also give him a reality check on how hard it is to earn that amount of money and how it is used to pay for food shelter travel entertainment clothes shoes etc
How much does he spend on clothes, add it up for him. How much does it cost to transport him around, how much is spent on keeping him happy. It will be more than the maintenance amount

We give my 17 year old ds £30 a week to pay for school lunches, entertainment, haircuts and clothes, other than shoes and coat which we buy. He can also help himself to food we have at home and make packed lunch for example, though he seldom does this. We also pay for mobile and gym membership. It's hard for him to manage on this but it's all we can afford and he understands that.

I wouldn't give him all the money at the beginning of the month because it would be gone very quickly. A weekly allowance helps him plan and budget.

I'm sure it would worry him if we broke our expenses down into details such as time spent in the shower but it seems reasonable that he should be award of costs that are soley his beyond the house. I think this has been good for him. He's now looking for a job.

Give him a cash allowance for "luxury" items to spend or save as he chooses. But when it's gone it's gone and you have to stand your ground or the whole exercise is pointless plus he needs to know you mean what you say.
Good suggestions by previous posters too. Maybe get him more involved in things like supermarket shopping so he realises how much the cost of living actually is. Silly things like washing powder, toothpaste, toiletries etc are all necessities that probably dont cross his mind but they all add up.
Like how some none drivers seem to think cars run on water. It only sinks in when it is you filling the tank.

Encourage him to work instead. Working for your money is far more worthwhile than being handed it for nowt.

Dont give him anything at all. Tell him you use the maintenance on mortgage/bills/food/petrol/uniform etc so there is nothing left.
He can get a job to pay for phone/gaming subscriptions/haircurs/pizzas/cinema/clothes/hobbies etc.

I'd sit him down with household bills and show him how much is spent on heating, lighting, hot water, all of which he needs and you must provide. Then food, toiletries, transport, clothes, shoes, school dinners, subs for clubs, phone contract, haircuts. Add household items such as bedding, towels, furniture for his room, school bag, stationery etc. Explain that it's both parents jobs to willingly provide all this for their DC and you are happy to do it, but that it all adds up. Every single thing in your home cost money and it comes from somewhere. That £400 isn't just for treats, although you do put some of it aside for cinema trips, contribution towards holidays etc.

I wouldn't be showing him anything you're spending the money on. I take it he's fed, clothed, clean, outings, luxuries, has a roof over his head. Make him get a PT job! I did when I was 16 and got minimal amount a month! See how he spends his money then

We had a similar conversation with my partner's 16yo son when he asked us why we didn't give him the money his mum sent, as it's "for him". He gets pretty much everything he wants, clothes, games, bus pass and lunch every day, meals cooked for him every night. He's always on consoles or watching TV or charging his phone, and spends about 20 minutes a day in the shower. Add to that the fees we pay to send him to various clubs, plus the petrol to get him there, and then all the extra snacks he helps himself to without asking, and the fact he wants £10 every week to go to the cinema.. we actually proved that what she pays is pretty much a drop in the ocean, and that certainly shouldn't mean that he gets hundreds of pounds of pocket money each month - not unless he's going to pay rent to cover his share of the bills and buy himself everything he needs, anyway.

Wish we had some system where gobshite fathers had money stopped out of their pay/social welfare to pay maintenance for their dependent children in Ireland. I paid a fortune to solicitors and a barrister, have two Court Orders, and they're not worth the paper they're written on! Last time I asked him for maintenance he told me I owed him money back. That he had overpaid maintenance! Sorry went off on a rant there🙄. Anyway my two daughters have an appreciation now of the value of money. And my eldest is working away and starting her third year in college and funds her own gallivanting and clothes shopping.

My son actually said to me today.... “yeah but you would still be paying for the house and car even if I didn’t live here thou” 😤

Arghhhh OP i feel ur pain.
Defo get him to get a part time job.
I did shifts in a fast food chain as a 16yr old & it was brutal but did me the world of good.

I have never had a penny from csa but from about 11yo I made mine go work for money for treats as I simply didn’t have the money to give them
By the time they where 13yo two had built up a business washing cars and odd jobs like shovelling snow and gardening
The other had a Saturday job waitressing
(All 3 work full time now)
By god they hated spending what they had earned tho!(my money was fair game lol)
My dsd’s have had everything handed to them and they are both lazy workshy and hold their hands out for money for the basics like unloading the dishwasher (one mowed the garden the other day and wanted a tenner for doing it!)
They really don’t know the difference between 10p and a tenner as they’ve never had to budget for themselves
If he wants it then he earns it-even my younger kids could do basics like putting washing away or ‘helping’ with the washing up to earn pocket money

Get a smart meter, show him how much it costs to power things up, get him a bank account and a Monzo account.

Was watching Martin Lewis this morning, you might be able to find it on YouTube, but power and gas for one person is about £100/month and he says it so that way your son can hear it from someone else.

House I'd tell him, 'Great, go and live with your dad then, I can flog this place and live in a one-bed flat, cut my bills in half.'

He needs to get a job.

I had similar with my DD, only it was the child benefit and pitiful amount of sporadic maintenance she wanted. I sat down and made her work out everything she would need to cover with her £20 a week, and after saying she could get three packs of noodles for £1 out of Poundland she eventually saw some sense there.

As she got older and had to pay some digs she was awful again. Letting her know exactly where my money went meant she started to appreciate it more, she had no idea about council tax for example.

Showing some rooms to rent locally which would be more than her digs and then she would have to pay bills on top made her realise she has a good deal and having just got her first student finance payment through this year she has actually asked me if there are any things I need buying.

I don't understand why people think this is a bad idea. I had a monthly allowance from age 14 for exactly this reason - and I kept meticulous accounts of everything I spent, and looked out for bargains etc. It didn't include lunches as my school dinners were paid for up front and there was no canteen option - plus we didn't have mobile then - but it covered all clothes apart from uniform, social costs, bday and Xmas presents etc.

I think it is an excellent idea and will teach him very useful life skills. Maybe not the water bill etc just yet - but his own expenses? Hell yes!

I would look at this as an exdh problem. He is undermining you by suggesting to your ds that he should have access to the CMS. Your son benefits from that money but it isn't his or your exs business how you chose to put it to the best use.

If you feel like giving your son an allowance to learn to budget for himself that's one thing, but the amount is up to you and you shouldn't feel cornered into it.

I think it's good for teenagers to learn to manage money, but it's up to you.

"No, I wouldn't give him £200. If he wants that kind of money he needs to get a job. I'd show him the bills and how much it costs to keep a home." This!

My ex tried to pull this crap with dd years ago (just discussed with her now actually as we were having a "setting the world to rights" chat) - and he wasn't even paying it every month!!

She was younger than your son - who frankly is bloody old enough to know better! - and as soon as I explained to her that the maintenance money wasn't "extra" money but his (minimal!) contribution to what it cost to keep her alive, going to school and being able to do fun things like hobbies!

He is MORE than old enough to understand that he does NOT exist on thin air!

That your costs for him include:
Roof over his head
Fully kitted out bedroom
Heating, hot water, Internet etc
Food! (And god knows older teens get through the food!!!)
Clothes & shoes
Toiletries
Transport
School kit (not just uniform but stationery etc too)
Haircuts
Entertainment...
His PHONE! (Maybe confiscate that and he has to "buy" it back off you out the £200 allowance which he gets at a rate of £50 a week and has to pay for all his costs outside of those bills that must be paid by you like rent, electricity etc)

Let him see how HIS costs of all those soon add up!

Pretty sure they'll come to more than £800 a month!

"I would sit him down and get him to guess and write down how much he thinks things cost from the basics like bread and milk to household bills phone rent" this could be very enlightening for you both - him to realise he probably vastly underestimates the costs, you to realise how lacking in knowledge he is on such matters.

Also as per pps I worked part time from 14 as did dd really he should have a part time job by now. Imo all kids should regardless of their family's circumstances because it teaches the true value of money if they have to earn it. Even my friends who are quite wealthy insist on their kids working either outside the home or within their businesses at going rate to appreciate what they have better.

"but he doesn’t see how that relates to him really ...." Show him what portion of those costs are down to him -

Eg compare a 2 bed property's rent (which you have because you have him) to a one bed property's rent, the difference in council tax between the 2 property's, it's even possible to look up how much average utilities costs vary depending on size of family, how much of your grocery bill is for him...

"am I putting too much adult responsibility on him too young thou🤔?"Nope! If anything I'd say you've left it quite late to get across to him the realities of life! At 16 he could potentially marry and be a parent and be running a household of his own! In just 2 years (probably much less depending when his birthday is) he will be an adult and responsible for managing his own finances either as a working man or a student managing a student budget.

"Since he is being so bratty id price up rent, electricity, water, tv licence, etc and bill him. He buys his own food and anything else he needs from the rest." Can absolutely see the merits of this idea too!

I still remember from my teen years a few of my friends parents getting so fed up of my friends and their siblings excessive use of the telephone (and not being mindful of when cheaper rates kicked in) and putting locks on the phone or turning them into payphones! My friends moaned at the time but now they're parents themselves (and actually not long after when they became liable for their own bills) they often say they wish they could put meters/locks on their kids mobile phones!

PocketsForMe - so does dd then give you that money to cover her costs? Or are you paying for them AND she's getting a hell of a lot of money as basically "pocket money" from your ex?

Quite honestly aside from the financial side of things I'd be having a serious word with him about respecting the fact YOU are the one that's been the main parent, the one that has been there for him. YOU are the one that's done the vast majority of sleepless nights, caring for him when he had colds/flu, nightmares, friendship fallouts, vaccinations...

YOU were the one who not only paid for but ensured he was cared for at good quality childcare when he was young enough to need it.

YOU were the one taught him to swim, cycle, tidy his room, pack his school bag...

YOU were the one at parents eves, nativities, awards presentations...

Yea maybe I'm making assumptions and his dad did some of that but I'm willing to bet from sounds of things precious bloody little of it!

"Silly things like washing powder, toothpaste, toiletries etc are all necessities that probably dont cross his mind but they all add up" Yep include all of it

I remember my sister having an argument with my mum once about electricity use (she kept leaving stuff on! Not just on standby either but properly on!) we were on a meter at that point, when dad got home and was told he was not impressed! He pointed out how much they put in the meter each week, then promptly removed the fuses from ALL The plugs in sisters room and told her she wasn't getting them back for a week, then the following week pointed out how much that had saved them! (It was "only" £15 but that was a lot of money 30 odd years ago and a most half the bill!!) sister suitably chastised, got her fuses back and stopped bloody leaving stuff on! My parents main concern was actually the fire risk! The main thing she kept leaving on was bloody hair tongs which she'd leave on lying next to the box of tissues! But the money was an issue too and this exercise did bring it home to her.

The OTHER benefit of them getting a job is they start mixing with older people who aren't their parents (cos what could a mere mum know about real life?! 🙄) who will look at them askance if they come out with entitled/spoilt bullshit and put them straight!

Dd wasn't this bad at 16 but even she has improved since starting her current job as she's become very friendly with a single mum who's only a few years older than her who was a teen mum and has had life hit her hard so far.

He doesn’t understand how household costs relate to him? It is a pretty adult concept to grasp. This is the issue here. He thinks the money is for him, so it should be his. I don’t know the best way to get through to him. Household costs are related to him. He needs a place to sleep. When was the last time you been bought a big item for him? Like a new bed or desk etc? He sounds a bit entitled if he doesn’t understand the costs of the house don’t relate to him.... don’t give him a monthly sum. It’s too much. You need to figure out how to get him to understand household costs are related in part to him. The water bill is an extremely easy way to communicate this. Put your foot down OP.

i would maybe ask him for a particular thing to make it smaller.so fir instance what does he think food costs for week,2 weeks or a month.then give him this.say that there isforall your food. he willl soon see (especially with food) that what youve iven him goes nowhere!
sit him down and show him the bills again.