Exe's new partner living arrangements

[KikiSB]

I have been happily divorced for 8 years and have always accepted that my ex would move on and find someone more suited to hi. I have also accepted that this person would eventually be part of my son's life. What I didn't expect was to be informed of this by text message five minutes after actually seeing him face to face. It wasn't a simple "by the way I'm seeing someone and it might be serious, and I want my son to meet her" text. It was literally him telling me he was selling his house and moving in with this person and he wanted me to know so it wasn't a shock.

The shock was more that he had assumed that, somehow, I knew he was seeing this person, that my son has been spending regular time with her since January and I had NO IDEA about any of it.

I don't want to police who my ex sees (one of the reasons I moved away tbh) and I completely get that he has his private life; when that private life impinges on my son's life, however, that is when it becomes my business.

My son hadn't mentioned any of this as he didn't want to spill his father's secret (which in itself is highly suspect) and my ex has no intention of allowing (his words) me to meet his partner as apparently her spending time with my son is none of my business.

The fact that he is ploughing his money in to his partner's house (my son's inheritance) doesn't seem to worry him either.

I am most concerned though about the fact that the only reason I have my son living with me is the fact my ex cn spend a week at a time working abroad and I have the most regulated life around which I can work childcare. His new parter is, apparently, a teacher so has the time to cover when my ex is abroad. I would have said that I was being paranoid but, considering what else he has not deigned to let me know about, am I being unreasonable fearing the worst?

I wouldn't be too concerned, but I have mental health issues and my support right now is not the best so I feel rather vulnerable about all this and have done for some time. This is just like the icing on the cake as far as all this is concerned, as I split with my partner of four years pretty recently. I was upfront about this relationship as I felt I owed honesty to the father of my child. Should I have expected this to be reciprocated or am I being unreasonable about mutual respect, etc. Could it be that this was something that precipitated my ex's decision or is just a devious bastard looking for the ideal opportunity?

How is your current access agreement set up? A judge would expect any changes to be in order for your ex to see him, not your ex's new partner. As a one-off, of course she might look after him, but you would have a good argument if it was a regular thing that the access at those times should remain with you. Have you spoken to your son? How does he feel about her? As hard as it might be, it's important for you to try to stay calm because you don't want him to feel like he can't tell you things.

Two problems with this

1. my sons inheritance: Your son will be left what he is left, you can’t dictate how someone spends their money because it may cut into what your son gets when his father dies
2. the only reason I have my son living with me: don’t you want your son full time? I couldn’t imagine not having my children full time. Like PP said contact is for the child to spend time with parents not step parents.

Good luck op but I’m not really sure what the issue is other than he shouldn’t get your son to keep secrets, that isn’t on.

The current agreement is set up so my ex has my son every few weekends, and for half of each school holiday. We live about 90 miles apart so it isn't as though my son could go to school here and stay at my husband's place more often. My son likes this woman, which is great, and he does miss his father. I can totally see him wanting to spend time with them, more than he does now. We don't live close enough for it to be anything other than all or nothing. My ex always complains about my having taken our son away from him, and has also made it clear that the only reason he allowed him to live with me in the first place was because his job wouldn't allow him to do this himself. Now he is about to move in with someone who could provide the care when his dad isn't around.

I can't afford to get this taken to court because I can't afford any legal fees. If he goes to court or threatens to go to court I have no way of paying to fight this, and he knows it.

The only bit of that is at all a concern is your son keeping it a secret.

What exactly has gone on there?
Was he told not to tell you?

Did he decide himself it was a secret, and if so - what has his father (and you) done to create an environment where your son made that decision?

My ex and I have both remarried without ever informing the other that we were dating / engaged / marrying / moving a partner in. We don’t need each other’s permission, and we both know that we know - because our child chit chats about it what they’ve been up to. The minute my daughter mentioned spending the day with Lisa and her daughter Kara - I knew he was dating.

No issue with him not telling you. No issue with him deciding to tell you about moving in by text - fair enough he didn’t want an awkward face to face, or the third degree.

Your comment about his inheritance is just odd.

With regards to his girlfriend enabling him to change living arrangements - how have you agreed things in your divorce papers currently?

Witch - my ex has always been very concerned about where my money will go when I die - why shouldn't I be concerned where his father's money goes?

Of course I want my son to live with me - I always have done - but it was made very clear that the only reason the ex didn't contest custody was because his circumstances wouldn't allow it. That has now changed - he has a partner who is willing to pitch in, my son likes her and I honestly don't see that there is anything in the world which would prevent the ex getting custody.

My son was told not to tell me. It was only after I asked him who this person was that he felt able to tell me.

The first thing that would prevent him, is that the courts generally prefer continuity for a child. They would not see it in his best interests to change school (is he school age?) and change from an established pattern that is working.

What did you put in the statement of arrangements for children, in your divorce?

If he applies to vary it, you can of course point out that your ex husband will not be present to provide the contact that he is seeking.

There is, because it would be unusual to make a drastic change in a child's permament home for no good reason. Honestly I think you're worrying unnecessarily. Deal with each issue as it comes; if he decides to take you to court them get advice on how to represent your case, but right now you don't know if your ex even wants to change anything.

If you have been separated for 8 years how old is your child now?.

It's all about you.
What about your son? How old is he? What does he want? How settled is he at school? What would be wrong about more contact with dad- because that is your real fear.
(I don't think any judge would just decide to move a child 90 miles away from everything the know... unless there is reason.)

How old is your ds? Who referred to it as a secret, was it your ex, or was it your ds worried, perhaps, about your reaction?

Why are you making assumptions about your ex getting custody? Who says this new partner wants the role?

Slow the heck down! Why do you think this is going to court? Take a deep breath and speak some more to your son. Then your ex.

First of all it's up to him what he does with his money and who he introduces your son to.

Secondly, let him take you to court. The maximum that your ex would get is 50% of the time and as he doesn't live close enough to do the school run etc, he wouldn't get 50%. If you think that a judge would look at your ex more favourably because he has a teacher partner, then you're wrong. Judges prefer to maintain the status quo for kids and your current situation is just that.

My son is 10, so would be due to change schools in September after his SATs; yes a wrench but not quite the middle of a year or of a school. The arrangement is that my son lives with me and sees his father on a regular basis. It doesn't rule out this changing. Also, as my son is a slightly older child, his opinion of course counts.

I understand OP. My ex has been dating his g/f for around 3 years, but I have not been allowed to meet her. I saw her once in passing, that's it. My DDs spend a lot of time with her and love her, but I've never talked to her or so much as said hi to her. It bugs me so much, but the ex simply will not allow us to meet.

The only bit that I would have an issue with is the son being told to keep a secret.

I get it op.

But as pps say it is highly unlikely he would be able to get more contact purely on the basis of now having another woman, completely unrelated to the child at this point, who can do his parenting by proxy! No judge I've ever known would let that wash!

Personally I disagree with the view many on mn have that it's no business of yours - as primary carer - to know and meet the people heavily involved in your sons care.

My ex's OW/2nd wife was a (supposedly) mutual friend and so knew dd anyway but if she hadn't damn straight I'd be wanting to meet her and feel comfortable with her being so involved in dds care! And as primary carer - the one with whom the buck stops and who is the one dealing with any potential fallout from such a relationship - you absolutely imo have the right to expect that.

Unfortunately there is no legal requirement (which I think there should be. Certainly where it's reaching a point where the child is staying long periods with that person and where the child/ren is likely to be left alone with them) and so there's little you can do.

I have known of some family judges stipulating in contact orders that new partners be introduced in a certain way to children and that ex partners be facilitated to meet new partners, it's not as definite as some on mn think that this "never" happens.

And many of my family/friends have communicated well with exs when a new partner is on the scene and made arrangements for exs to meet new partners, usually fairly informally on "neutral territory" and imo it's a far more sensible and normal way to handle things.

It doesn't have to be a "big deal" a wee coffee together just so you know each other to say hello to and can raise anything you're concerned about, including as some of the people I know have done, Childs routine, hobbies/interests, allergies, health issues...

Although I knew exs 2nd wife dd has developed certain health issues/allergies SINCE we split which ex is frankly bloody useless at remembering and passing on to her. So we have at times discussed these just between the 2 of us and it's made me feel more reassured that dd would be well cared for (and not exposed to allergens unnecessarily!), she has said its made her feel reassured that I trust her to care for dd and have confidence in her and that the circumstances of them getting together hasn't made me feel resentful of her spending time with dd. It's made dd feel safer when at her dads (which at this point hasn't been for several years but at the time when she was still seeing them) and have more confidence in her stepmum taking care of her.

Good communication between all those most involved in a child's care is adult, responsible and sensible.

Sorry but the inheritance comment is bizarre and makes you come across as quite controlling.

Sometimes the kids don't say anythign because they know how the parent will react - not because anything is wrong, or any major crazy secrets - but purely because they know they can't say anything.

I don't want to police who my ex sees (one of the reasons I moved away tbh) and I completely get that he has his private life; when that private life impinges on my son's life, however, that is when it becomes my business Nothing is happening to "impinge" greatly on your son's life, from what you've said.

My son hadn't mentioned any of this as he didn't want to spill his father's secret (which in itself is highly suspect) (no it's not) and my ex has no intention of allowing (his words) me to meet his partner as apparently her spending time with my son is none of my business (it's not). The fact that he is ploughing his money in to his partner's house (my son's inheritance) doesn't seem to worry him either It's nothing, NOTHING, to do with your son. It's your ex's money. He can do with it as he wants, and just because it's into another woman's house, that's nothing to do with you or your son.

As others have said, the court prefers continuity. His whole life is with you, there would need to be a very compelling reason to interrupt it. Your son's wishes will be taken into account, but they won't be the only factor. What about making a list of your son's connections with the home you're providing? Family, neighbours, friends, clubs, classes, dentist he trusts etc., to help reassure yourself. You say that you're struggling at the moment, this may be leading you to underestimate the significance of your home to your son.

If you continue to worry, focus on looking after your mental health, and nurturing your relationship with your son and the connections mentioned. It's a terrible thing to be worrying about, I feel for you, but remember that it is very unlikely.