Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to rant about f4j?

24 replies

Spanckd · 09/09/2019 16:01

Just had a look on a f4j Facebook page. Don't know much about them but I had a heads up that my ex was openly on there talking about me. Turns out he is telling everyone how awful I am for not letting him see his son, and they are all advising him on how to screw me over and make my life hell, and advising him on how he can get full custody! He has made no mention of the fact that he is a danger to his child, CAFCASS have put in their report that I'm a loving mother, and that he is to go on a DVPP before a contact centre is even considered!

AIBU to think it's scary that people are quite happy to give this advice on facebook, not anonymously, and to someone who has stated he hasn't seen his son in months? I wonder how many other abusive people have been given advice on how to further abuse their ex partners and children. I know, someone will be along soon to tell me that MN isn't much different. It doesn't feel the same...

OP posts:

Venger · 09/09/2019 16:04

They're only getting one side of the story and, let's face it, the group has a large portion of abusive men amongst its membership so of course they're going to be receptive to shit stirring.

Have you made screenshots of his posts and the advice he's been given? It's probably worth doing so then if he acts on any of it you have evidence against him.

Original poster

Spanckd · 09/09/2019 16:07

I have. But I only looked at one or the posts. I am sure there are more but I can't bring myself to read them. I have an injunction against him and I am just wondering if he's even allowed to be writing in a public forum about me

OP posts:

Venger · 09/09/2019 16:13

What are the terms of the injunction? I've had one before that said the person named was not allowed to contact, threaten, or harass me either in person or via a third party and was not allowed to incite others to do so.

Original poster

Spanckd · 09/09/2019 16:15

It states similar on mine, also he's not allowed to contact family members, interfere with my son's medical appointments, intentionally cause fear. I don't have it in front of me. I am quite upset after reading people laying in to me and saying in scum etc. They can easily go on his profile, see photos of him and me on his profile photos from years ago and see my face.

OP posts:

namechangebutnnormal · 09/09/2019 16:32

Sorry to hear this. You need to screenshot everything or get a friend to if you don't feel able to look at it yourself. If you have a solicitor send it to them if not keep it and show it to the CAFCASS officer. It is evidence that he has no insight into what he has done and cafcass/the court are not going to be impressed with that at all. If he is continuing to abuse you in this way then no contact seems the best option until he can accept his actions and change. Sorry you are going through this

Venger · 09/09/2019 16:34

Remember too that part of the script/pattern abusers follow is that once they can't control you, they will attempt to control how other people view you. Painting you as the baddie in their conversations about the situation is part of that.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/09/2019 16:38

It’s a difficult one, OP. I completely understand why it would upset you, but if he’s as bad as you say, then it might be best leaving it. Let him vent and create poor me stories along with the rest of the misogynistic prats. At least while he’s doing that, he’s leaving you alone. If you try to stop him, he could make things worse for you.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/09/2019 16:40

Sort I cross posted with your comments about seeing photos of you. That puts it in a completely different light. In that case I would report him, as he seems to want strangers to actually know who you are.

swingofthings · 09/09/2019 16:40

No different to what happens here.

Saddler · 09/09/2019 16:40

Pretty similar to advice on this forum in that's its one sided

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/09/2019 16:42

Really swingofthings? People use their real names and post photos of their ex’s in order for strangers to target them. Could you show me where that happens, please?

Venger · 09/09/2019 16:59

Similar in that it's one sided but I've yet to see anyone on MN encouraging someone to deliberately wreck their ex's life or use real names, photos, etc. I've also seen a lot of advice on MN over the years where its pointed out that children should have the opportunity to see the non-resident parent except in cases where it's not safe for them to do so (e.g., abuse). I've also seen posts where non-resident parents are sensibly advised on how to apply for access via the proper channels and reminded that the interests of the child go above all else.

Original poster

Spanckd · 09/09/2019 18:03

I just think it's unfair that I can be identified like that, that it's all lies (big lies!), and also think it's sad to see so many people giving advice, nasty advice, to someone who has severely abused me and his kids.

OP posts:

squeakybike · 09/09/2019 18:09

I'd be so tempted to get a friend to post your side on your behalf. But then I guess if they are of all the same nature, maybe that wouldn't be worth it ☹️

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/09/2019 18:09

Screen shot everything you've seen and send it to your lawyer. I would then take advice from them as to how to proceed.

Original poster

Spanckd · 09/09/2019 18:11

I'm not getting involved. He's dragging me through the courts to see his son. Theyve said no. If I start getting friends to start posting on social media it'll only go badly against me.

OP posts:

squeakybike · 09/09/2019 18:15

@Spanckd no you're right. I don't know how you can stay calm... if it was me, my anger would get the better of me! Just had a look on their page on Facebook. The shit they post is unreal.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/09/2019 18:15

I'm not getting involved. He's dragging me through the courts to see his son. Theyve said no. If I start getting friends to start posting on social media it'll only go badly against me.

Very wise and I agree. Do not, under any circumstances, do this! It could prejudice the court against you.

siring1 · 09/09/2019 18:20

Sounds like Mumsnet.

Original poster

Spanckd · 09/09/2019 18:22

Trust me squeaky I was tempted! I'm so angry. I'm really scared of him. I've spoken to Mr solicitor and I've reported it to the police. Police said that it can fall under harrassment. I'm not in immediate danger. My DV worker is going to speak with her boss and see what she thinks. I'm thinking they're going to contact him simply to remove the posts. It's different to MN because it's totally anonymous. I hate that I could be targeted because of it

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanckd · 09/09/2019 18:24

Siring it's not though. I don't have my photos on here. And people don't tend to encourage people to fabricate things in order to get access to their kids. It's similar in a way but also completely different.

OP posts:

squeakybike · 09/09/2019 18:28

I can't even imagine now seeing that must have made you feel ☹️ you've done the right thing by reporting it for sure. Ignore my silly comment... rage getting the better of me!

squeakybike · 09/09/2019 18:28

Imagine how*

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 09/09/2019 18:33

Pay no heed to the obvious MRA supporting posters, OP. I’m convinced as soon as they see a woman in distress because of a violent man and they get their rocks off, sticking the boot in.

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread